Guidelines

By Alexi Terris

Artwork by Alexi Terris

My standards have changed.

I want a hard copy five-paragraph essay in MLA format.

The prompt is: please provide evidence to support your claim that you are in love with me.

There is no assignment deadline.

I would like to see where I fall on your priority list.

The wise words of others inspire me,

I expect you to use a few nice quotes—Pinterest is an excellent resource.

The minimum is five paragraphs—the bare minimum is not impressive.

If your heart shall desire to write more, please do so.

There need to be concrete examples that logically prove your thesis statement.

I will take points off for fluff. There is no reason for fluff.

What is the purpose of this assignment?

Demonstrate emotional depth — “people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.” I’m in the deep end of the swimming pool. Join me or find a different pool.
“I’d do anything for you”— okay, prove it. If you can’t rack your brain for a short essay’s worth of reasons why you are in love with me, I will question the validity of your assertion.
Match my energy from the start — I don’t need another favorite arts & crafts project that I think will get better as I pour more time and energy into fixing it (only to learn that I had the wrong supplies all along).

My worth as an English major

Has been placed on my ability to

Prove I have read something

By demonstrating I can analyze said thing,

Use my interpretation to craft a logical argument,

Not be vague with my supporting evidence,

And make sure everything flows nicely.

Wash, rinse, and repeat.

Four years later,

I have somewhat of an appreciation for the process.

So, prove you have read me carefully

By demonstrating accurate analysis,

Show how studying me has led to you falling madly in love with me,

Don’t use vague examples for supporting evidence,

And make sure everything flows nicely.

I will not say I am in love with you until I can complete the assignment.

I expect the same from you.

Alexi Terris is a senior English major at Arcadia University.