Listening Attentively By Tony Alessandra, Ph.D.

Post date: Sep 09, 2011 3:18:6 AM

By Tony Alessandra, Ph.D.

Book:The new art of managing people: person-to-person skills

Communicating at work

The Six Skills of Active Listening

To reach this highest level of listening proficiency, you need to develop six separate

skills. I've combined them into the easy-to-remember acronym of CARESS:

Concentrate.

Focus your attention on the speaker, and only on the speaker. To do so, you must

eliminate physical and psychological barriers, whether they come from you or the speaker.

Physical barriers may be in the environment, like noises in the room, other people

talking, telephone calls or visitors. Or maybe there's something distracting about the speaker,

such as a thick accent, poor grooming, or disturbing mannerisms.

Or maybe the barrier has to do with you, the listener. Maybe you're not fully listening

because you're hungry, tired, or angry. Or, perhaps you're close-minded to new ideas or resistant

to information that runs contrary to your beliefs and values.

In any case, there are lots of potential distractions, internal and external. If you can't

avoid them, minimize them. Turn off the TV. Hold your calls. Silence your computer. Try to

provide a private, quiet, comfortable setting where you sit side by side without distractions.

The point is, make you partner feel like you're there for them. Don't be like the boss who

put a desk-size model of a parking meter on his desk, then required employees to feed the meter-

-10 cents for 10 every minutes of conversation. What a signal he was sending out!

Acknowledge.

Think about how you like to be listened to. What are the important responses you look

for when someone else is listening to you? First, there's eye contact. When you don't have eye

contact with your listener, you may feel like you're talking to a brick wall.

Second, verbal responses such as, "hmm", "yeah", "wow!” and "no kidding?" show

interest in what's being said. Third, gestures--smiling, nodding one's head, and appropriate

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facial expressions or body language--say, in effect, "I'm really interested in what you have to

say."

And, the fourth kind of acknowledgement is making clarifying remarks that restate the

speaker's points, such as "If I understand you correctly, you're saying that..." or "In other words,

the biggest hurdles are..."

Research.

"Research," as the term is used here, involves asking questions and giving feedback. In

short, it makes the conversation a two-way street. A listener who doesn't ask questions, give

feedback, or make comments at the appropriate time isn't really participating.

Exercise emotional control.

If you react emotionally to what a speaker is saying, you'll have an almost irresistible

tendency to interrupt and argue. You may feel your pulse speed up, your breathing become more

rapid, or your face become flushed. You may lose your train of thought.

This is usually prompted by the speaker himself or by something he says, such as a

"loaded" word involving a racial, religious, or political reference. So you may tune out when you

hear something you don't like, and, as a result, miss the true substance of what's being said.

Instead, try pausing to delay your response (by counting to 10, say, or taking in some

long, deep breaths). Or, thinking about what you have in common with the speaker, rather than

focusing on your differences.

Sense the nonverbal message.

It's critical that you read the nonverbal messages in the speaker's communications. If you

don't, you're missing a major aspect of the message.

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Watch what the speaker does with his or her eyes, face, hands, arms, legs, and posture for

signals about what he or she is really saying. Crossed arms on the chest, for instance, may

suggest defensiveness, while fidgeting in chair or looking at the ceiling while talking may signal

anxiety.

Structure.

Structuring the information is probably the most sophisticated of the listening techniques.

You can use the time gap created by differences in listening and speaking speeds to structure the

message you're listening to.

Do this by outlining--mentally or on paper--what the speaker says. It'll dramatically

increase your comprehension and recall. You can note the major idea, the key points, the sub

points, and so on.

Another technique is listening for order, or priority. Sometimes, such as when you're

being given instructions, the sequence is crucial. So, listen for words like "first," "second,"

"next," or "then, last." Don't be shy about double-checking with the speaker to make sure you

understand the proper sequence or the relative weight that you should give each element.

Using the CARESS model can gradually help you break a lifetime of poor listening

habits. It's vital that you try. Because, as show-biz wit Wilson Mizner once said, "A good

listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows something." Thus, listening

is power...and, therefore, a key to charisma.

Adapted from CHARISMA: Seven Keys to developing the Magnetism that Leads to Success, ©

by Tony Alessandra, Ph.D., to be published February 1988, by Warner Books.