Meaning of the thoughts of life (blog)

Friday November 20, 2009 Pewaukee Wisconsin

Well, I made it! Anytime one travels in and out of Alaska, it kind of burns up the better part of a couple days.  My journey started at about 4 AM on Wednesday. at 20 below 0, and I reached my ultimate (at least for a couple days) destination at about 6 PM ocal time last night. And went promptly to bed. 

Off, and on, for the next 2 months I will be staying in a farm house, built by the Ryan Brothers of Wakesha Wisconsin. in about 1885. This was a working Dairy farm until about 1970

The Ryan Brothers never married and had no family to pass the farm onto. Instead. Henry, passed the land and buildings to the Wakesha County conservancy. The remaining 110 acres is now designated as a park.  In his will, he granted lifetime residency to Bernice Brandenburg who was is personal secretary, assistant, and care giver in his later years.

My Wife, Martha Steiner, Bernice's only living relative has now inherited the residency.  

If you have never seen an authentic untouched farm house, come along with me for a tour.

Monday November 16th

It's cold, well duh, I live in Alaska and it is November.  November always seems like the coldest month, maybe it is the darkness, maybe it is just that the bloods hasn't quite thickened up yet. Either way, it can be unpleasant.  Whatever, in a couple days I am headed to Wisconsin for a couple months. It can be cold there also, but I heard it is, at least for now, warmer than here. 

So, here I sit, wallowing in the fear of leaving all that I have going on here to live a life of leisure in Wisconsin for a while. Cheese, good beef, and grain fed women. the stuff I grew up on Oh, and their is beer, but I don't drink so beer isn't an immediate concern.  I think I will concentrate on the women instead. And writing, yeah,  I will concentrate on my writing, forget the women part. 

Journey as a pilgrimage, or something like that,  That is what this is about. It starts with letting go of the life I am living here.  This time it also includes trusting some people that are close to me here. Both of those above things comes down to my trust in God, and my ability to accept the way things are, and that they are supposed to be the way they are, and I really can not control any of it, or at least I would drive myself completely insane trying. 

So, deep breath, "everything will be ok, whatever ok is." My only potential mistake is to pass judgement on ok.  

Next step is to prepare for travel. I am a procrastinator so,  I  have not really begun the packing process, yeah, I know in my mind what I need to bring, I know I am bringing my lap dog "as carry on)  It is mostly just a matter of locating all the things I need, and throwing them in a couple bags, and not forgetting the dog.  

One of the pitfalls of living in Alaska is that it is a 6 plus hour plane ride to anywhere else. I am not much for sitting still for that long, so it can be tough on me. I do agonize for weeks preceding the flight, and I try to stay up all night the night before so I can sleep. I am thinking this time that I will make sure i have a couple hours of TV in itunes to occupy, and a couple good books. 

I hope to write also. I also have many hours of podcasts to listen too.  

Even with all that is between me and me enjoying the coming journey, I am looking forward to being there.  I love Alaska, but I do miss the midwest. Alaska is so raw, like me, but some part of me (probably the swiss part) lones for a little civilization, a little culture. Whatever the case, I am going to find something. In concurrence with my beliefs, whatever I find will be whatever I need to find. 

The list of things I plan to do include:

See "A prarrie Home Companion" live in Minneapolis, Visit all the Buddhist temples in Milwaukee, and spend a bunch of time at the one I like the best. Maybe visit some other holy sites in the area, and maybe a service at one of the more famous churches. Or maybe just a tiny little community church.  A typical Wisconsin town has a tractor store, a bar, a graveyard and a church.

I am of-course going to visit my parents. We will see how that goes. Not them, me...

Other highlights will include delving deep into the library of a lady that lived and collected books over 9 decades. And of course to eat cheese!

The west coast does not know what cheese tastes like, and therefore does not know how to make cheese, so it is always a big part of my trips to Wisconsin to indulge in it's finest. 

I may try to hit a few museums again this trip also.  Perhaps I will only visit the museum of my mind.

Wednesday November  11th 2009

Well, here it is , today their is a snow advisory in effect until 9 PM. These snow advisories are common in AK and usually call for something in the neighborhood of 6 to 10 inches of snow. In reality we will either get dumped on bad (more than 12 inches, or more likely get none.  Predicting the weather is a tough game in Alaska, unlike most of the world that inherits weather Alaska births it. Although we don't get many thunderstorms, or tornadoes, we do get hurricane force winds fairly regularly, and they can last for weeks. Everybody remembers the great march blow a couple years ago when we had sustained 80 mph winds at 20 degrees for 3 weeks. But not many remember the 2 or 3 blows a year that only reach 70 mph.

The march blow actually made news, more for the chaotic scenes than anything else. I remember seeing more than one double rig semi's on their side from the wind. It was striking to me that they left them their for days> I think most people stayed home that week. I know I did, I happened to be the only man in the neighborhood not working out of town that week. So, I got to play penis and keep all the generators going and such. Yeah, it was one of my proudest moments.  Alaska suits me with it's extremes. Though their have been times that even I was rendered sick and tired of all the dramatic weather

One week until I depart for Wisconsin. Yeah, I think.  I am a little apprehensive about leaving my house project. Though it is in capable hands and I trust my man John, it is still me, leaving my baby. (and my really big big screen) I have a lot to do this week being as I am going to be gone for almost 2 months, This is the way of it though, for 15 years I haven gone much of anywhere, Now, at this stage of my life, I want to travel a bit, take extended ventures outside, change of scenery, pace, etc. 

And of-course, I always survive winter much better if I get some sun in November/December.  The winter cold does not bother me so much, it is the lack of direct sunlight that happens in Alaska in november and december. Yes, the sun does rise in the winter where we are (it does not rise above the arctic circle, about 350 miles north of here) but the quality of the sun that we do get kinda sucks. It is always in ones eyes because it is always low in the horizon, and it is only in the sky for 5 hours or so a day.  One cool trade off though is that we have spectacular moons in the winter. 

So, A lot of Alaskans travel during the winter, some during the dark months, some later during the cold months. So much so that we consider Hawaii to be the "southern Aleutians"

Oh, BTW, I just checked, and it is not snowing here, yet

18.1 °F

Light Snow Mist

Monday November 9th 2009 About 7:45 AM

Damn, I slept in this morning. I hate it when I do that, but I hate alarm clocks more.  IT snowed last night, Looking out from the second floor window over the roof of the Foyer, I see about 2+ inches of virginal "frozen precipitation."I should be excited but I am not quite ready for it, don't think I can remember a time when I was, but this year it is a little different being that I am further out on the edge. I dont expect a huge amount of snow this year, actually winter is a little late. 

I suppose this means I need to put the motorcycle away. 

Saturday November 7 2009 About 6AM

Good morning World...

It is a little more like November in Alaska this morning. It is actually below freezing, and their is a threat of snow today. I havnt smelled the outside air yet, but I do not expect it. Maybe because I have been really enjoying riding my motorcycle this week. I rode to town again last nigh, it was very pleasant. Witht he right geat on, and the hot grips smokin: I am very comfortable so far. The roads are dry and theirfore not slippery. The bike hooks up well on the cold asphalt, and the engine loves the cold dense air. IT really makes me with the riding season was longer. I hope maybe I can get a couple days in nice riding weather in Wisconsin later this onth buut, They appear to be having colder weather than us.

Friday November 6 , 2009 About 6AM

I rode My motorcycle to the meeting last night. I just wanted to get that out. Motorcycling in Alaska in November! Ok, so we have had unseasonably warm weather the last week or so. I heard it is an El.Nino' year. That usually means a fairly mild winter for those of us that live in Alaskas coastal zones.  Still no snow, not even rain, I have seen some trucks coming from up north with snow on them.  They say, that if you don't like the weather in Alaska, wait 10 minutes, or drive 10 miles. Well, maybe they don't say that, but I do.  I dont think I have ever lived anywhere that the weather can be so different just a couple hundred yards away. We habe the obvious difference between the coastal zones, and the intirior, but I have observed on more than one ocasion, at least 4 distinct weather systems, just in the 11 miles between here and town. Maybe it is because I am a bit of a weather geek, or maybe it is because one can not help but take serious note of weather when riding a motorcycle.  Enough babble. It was a nice ride. My good gear kept me from even noticing the temperature. I did however notice the darkness, yes. we are only about a month and a half away from the shortest day of the year. For Alaskans this is a momentous occasion. It means that the gloom of winter will soon be over, we will start gaining sunlight, instead of loosing it. 

Almost as cool as the solstice....

For a couple days now, I have been isolating at my house. I have been working on the software that controls just about everything in my house. For years I have been participating in the development of Linux Media Center Edition Or LMCE for short. This system provide convergence of just about everything, and distributes it all wherever I may be in the house. Telecom, security, environmental and lighting controls, and of course media are controlled and accessed from an on screen controller that converges on my TV. Actually it all converges on my projector based 110 inch big screen theater. With one fairly fancy 3D mouse, I can access all my media, video, itunes playlists, internet movies, whatever. I can also anser the phone as a speaker phone through my surround system, Access and edit all my documents, control lights throughout the house, watch security cameras, arm and disarm security features, and make VOIP calls. I can do this from my theater, or from various "media Directors" installed through the house. it is true convergence. Everything, at my fingertips. Control CONTROL...

Ok, I am a freak. But, this is probably the coolest next gen thing one can imagine. I have or many years wanted to impliment a full on system like this but needed the opportunity to build it all into a new house, instead of trying to retrofit an old one.  

So far, I have just about everything in place and working. I have 4 lights that I can control, and am waiting on more modules to control more. I also ordered a module to control my cieling fans. I have one hard wired camera right now, but I have ordered a wireless IP cam for testing and integration. My security consists right now of a couple motion sensors. Don't have door sensors because I don't really have doors yet. Door are a project for the next couple days. Shortly, I am going to have to rebuild the hardware in the server that controls it all as my surplus equipment is starting to not be able to keep up with all the demand the full system is placing upon in.  Ther software itself is not overhead intensive (its not windows)  but distribution requires some horsepower, and Media, requires mass storage. 

The new system will spec out with a quad core processor, a minimum of 4 gigs of ram, and at least 2 terabytes of raid 5 storage. That should handle anything that anybody throws at it for a while. 

The coolest part that I got working yesterday is the distribution schema. I can boot any computer via PXE over the network. Each system loads with the "package" identical to the main server. Each system is independent,  but has the same access to files, and controls as the server.  Build one, distribute anywhere. I like that. I can even force my windows boxes to boot the system without effecting the windows installation. In testing last night, I had a movie going in the theater, a diferent movie (all stored on the server) playing in the workshop, My music playing from my laptop, with the security and lighting controls overlay running, showing motion alerts, and controlling lights. Not to bad for a 6 year old celeron based "server" Got to love linux!  Oh and did I meantion that all the control and monitoring elements can run over the internet? That means that the system can txt my cell phone when one of my security conditions are met (tripped) I can log onto the system, from my blackberry, watch the cams, and talk to my cat, ( or a cat burgler if that be the case)

My next goal is to get some more security cams working.  I will try to get some pictures up this weekend of the system in action.

Wednesday November 04, 2009

I am emotionally hungover today. a close friend of mine informed me, at 10PM last night that she may have lung cancer.  First thought, Why tell me at 10 PM. Everybody knows I go to bed at about 10. Second thought, Damn, I need to quit smoking.

Third thought Why am I so selfish as to have 2 selfish thoughts in a row when somebody else is suffering?

That is what it all comes down to, suffering. we all suffer, and we all suffer not at the pleasure of the universe, we suffer at the hands of our ego. We seek reactions for other people, and feed on them, we create stress and drama constantly to keep ourselves breathing. With ut it, we fear we will perish. This I believe to be the root of all human failure. 

Tuesday November 03, 2009

I have been derelict in visiting my blog for a few days. My excuses are many, but they are simply excuses, so I will not bore you with them.

Suffice it to say that this morning, I have had some inspiration.  I am chugging out the story "why I left my Wife" and I am finding it to be the first honest and organized introspection that I have put on paper, concerning many subjects. Please forgive my verbosity. When one cuts themselves so deeply, it takes a while to stop the bleeding. 

Kings Lake, Wasilla, Alaska (PWS)

Updated: 4 min 37 sec ago

In the realm of the mundane, I have been actually working for a client for the better part of the last few days. I find little tolerance anymore for peoples disorganization. this character defect of mine has left me writhing in my ego. Not exactly the best place from which to write my words, nor even know them. 

The chill of the Alaskan winter is beginning to set in. The frost is in the ground, and the weather patterns are that of late fall. No snow yet, and to be honest I don't expect much this year.  I have been learning to keep warm with my wood heat. The wood I have belatedly and laboriously prepared is still a little moist so it is a little tricky to extract the needed heat. However, all is well, and I am enjoying every minute of it. Now if only I could get the rest of life out of my way. I could be left to enjoy my little life out hear all alone at the end of the road.  

Alas it is not to be, a couple more days in the big city placating the insubordinate masses, in the hunt for the mighty dollar.  I will visit with you again tomorrow in the quiet hours of the morn...

Thursday October 29, 2009

First night with the new woodstove!  It took me quite a while to get this far but This morning< I woke up to a semi warm house, thanks to finally firing up the much anticipated prime heater for the new house. After playing with fire most of the night last night I got it figured out enough to get a fair burn all night, and wake up to a house probably over 60 degrees. I had put 3 medium size logs in it last night prior to retireing, and was rewarded this morning with a good hot bed of coals.  I just added a handful of kindling, and a couple more small logs, and it burst back in to flames and is currently knocking the chill off the morning. 

I can live with this! and it will get even better as I figure it out .

No more diesel smell, or the roar of the jet engine like salamander heater.  Just a slight hint of wood smoke, and the soothing properties of fire.  What a spactacular life!

It has been said, more than a few times that wood heat warms one twice. Yesterday morning, and ealy afternoon, i felt that warmth, as I toiled and sweated, cutting, hauling, splitting, and stacking firewood. I must say, that I have not lost my touch with an ax, and the good work of gathering fuel from Gods bounty, left me in a great state of mind, and just a little sore. We joled, that we could charge people half a Gym Membership to come out and split wood, but that would be sharing my secret to longevety, and happiness.  And I am not yet sure I deem the rest of the world to be worthy of my treasure.

So she is a blazin, and the chill is coming off, and that is that story. Once aging, God has provided!

Wednesday October 28, 2009

This morning was a little chilly. My cat woke me up playing with my toes, I found myself loath to get out of bed and face the chillyness. I have been heating my house with a Salamander type construction heater fired by diesel. This is very effective albeit a little smelly, and I don;t trust the big jet engine sounding monster to not burn down the place. So, even though it is thermostatically controlled, i dont leave it on at night. I have fears like that, left over from being a firefighter. and seeing the carnage of others loosing their houses.

My woodstove should be installed today sometime, even if they can not get me scheduled in, I can perhaps go wet the 3 remaining parts, don my superman suit, and lift the 450 lb. behemoth on to the 18 inch platform, Then maybe I will start waking up to a warm house.

Today, it about gathering firewood. I already have quite a bit but I need more> one can never have to much wood.

I am looking forward to a season heating with wood. I remember fondly the warmth of a good woodstove chasing the ice from my youth . Strangely enough, I remember (fondly) also the work involved in putting up the wood for the season. A couple 5 or 6 days of hard labor in trade for heat for a year, now that seems like a pretty good deal.  

My plan today, is to head out toward Point McKinsey and travel along the trail by the new pipeline, that leads to the new prison, and pick up any logs that are still laying from the construction.  Should all prove to be "good work" and maybe even a little fun. Their is no feeling quite like ripping into a log with a freshly sharpened chainsaw.  The fragrant sawdust flying and covering my body. 

Mmm, Can't wait! 

OKm the truth is that it is almost november, and my body is feeling all of the aches and pains of past indescretion. It is this time of year that I feel old, and somewhat decrepit. But, the show must go on, yielding to pain is a luxury of city folk.  ANd you know what< I will probably feel much better by tomorrow. Funny how a little hard labor helps heal pain. Now there is a health care plan!

 I have been adding things to the other pages on this site. I am going to add a few more entries under philosophy today. I have had some thoughts that are nagging to get out and on paper. 

Tuesday October 27, 2009

On occasion I have cause to leave my peaceful hovel and travel to the big city.  Today is one of those dreaded days. 

Anchorage, AKA Scanchorage, AKA los Anchorage is Alaska's biggest city.  It is also sometimes called Alaska's largest village.I have heard it said that you can see Alaska from anchorage. As cities go, I suppose it is a jewel, lots of green space, parks, great views of the surrounding mountains from just about anywhere. Though Anchorage has many of the same problems as most cities the problems are not on as large a scale.  The traffic, though untenable from the perspective of a Knicker, is really not bad. Though Alaskans tend to drive like they are alone on the road, which usually we are.

Crime does not seem to be as much of an issue as in say Detroit, or Chicago.  Most everybody in Alaska caries a gun or two in their truck, if not on their person. Criminals know this and pray only of the assuredly weak.   You are probably more likely to get accosted by a cranky moose or curious grizzly bear than a gang of thugs. 

My only reason for dreading my trips to anchorage is the change in pace. You see, I live in the valley, actually more ion the fringe of the valley. We don't take it all so serious out here.  City folk have a tough time adapting to us also. What counts in the city, deadlines, corporate politics, appearances, middle management, etc. Don't mean so much out here.  When doing business in the valley it is common to put of some seemingly important meeting, for months simply because  hunting season opened, or the salmon showed up in the river. 

I like the country pace. I regularly visit the modwest and get to experience the new age psuedo country lifestyle of magazine fame, but if one really wants to know what it is like to live on the edge (without a walmart 5 miles away) one must travel to rural America, not just the suburbs.  Here, i know my neighbors by name, not just because they called the cops on me once, but because they may need me someday, or I may need them.  We all wave to each other, and rarely is it with our middle finger. You see, true country living comes with it a sense of connectedness that one never knows living like sardines in a metroprison. 

We are not hicks, we may be a little redneck sometimes, but most of us are pretty sophisticated civilized people.  We have lived our lives in such a manor that our destinies and our attitudes are congruent with a more traditional world.  We are self sufficiant, and when we are not we know we can count on each other. 

As with most rural areas of this great country we have experienced an influx of city folk that came to the country for a better life. Unfortunately some of them bring with them their old ways. Some adapt, instead of trying to adapt their new environment, some parish, and some go crazy from the silence, and run back to the city. 

The secret to country living is to live by a deep respect for the earth, and her resources.  Sounds strange to me to live in a world of scarcity. The "fat o'the lamb as Lenny would put it, is all around me. I don't trade all my time for money that I later trade for food, I trade my labor directly for food, cutting out the middle man.  Time, is not a burdensome commodity. Time is what live. Not what I wish I had more of. 

I used to live the other way, no, I was never a city folk, but I have been upwardly motivated at times in my life. Screw that, today, the world is my urinal, I don't have high blood pressure, anymore, the rabbits and moose that visit my yard don't care what my truck looks or runs like, and I only beat my head against the wall when I want a headache.  When I need something done, I either do it myself, or get in touch with a friend that I know can and will do it for me, maybe I give him a chicken, or fresh eggs, maybe I just give him a nod that lets him know that next time he needs something from me, I will be there. 

I am way to sensitive to the noise, both audible, and ethereal in the city. I am appalled when I see how dependent city folk are.  The anonymity of the throngs has bread unaccountability.  Left to my own devices, I can not live that way...

Today October 26 2009. 5:30 AM AST (local) Home in Knik Alaska.

It is finally Sunday, my day of rest. though I probably wont rest much, I will rest my urges to do stuff. That in itself will provwe to be restful.

This may be my first official day of blogging. I do write regularly for some of my other sites. However, I don't consider them to be blogs. Not really sure what a blog is yet but I will make it up as I go along.

Last night I took a motorcycle trip to town, hard to believe that we are still riding this late in October in Alaska. Who says Global warming is a bad thing? I am sure an extended riding season reduces my personal carbon foot print  by a bunch. 

Anyway, my friend joe was out on his bike also. We agreed that with our (identical) textile riding jackets we wont have to put the bikes up until it gets slippery. Or hopefully just before it gets slippery.  It was good riding, and I didn't get cold, at all, I actually have been colder riding in June.

It has been a long week. I finally finished the rock "fireplace" that I have been building for a little over a month.  It is beautiful! Today, I am going to strap on the acid gloves and acid wash the rocks in preparation for varnishing it. Maybe.  I hope to have the woodstove installed tomorrow. Keeping my salamander in diesel is killing me.

I lost a cat :( big frown. He has been gone a couple days now. I hope he just adopted another family or something like that. I got a call from a neighbor about a mile away that says they see him all the time and would give me a call next time he comes around there. I hope he comes back, but if not, live free and prosper my friend!

I also built out my media room this week.  This is a major improvement to my spartan life in Knik! It features a projected high-def screen of a little over 100 inches, People who have seen it say that I will never have to go to the movies again. I didn't have the heart to tell them that I never went to the movies before. You can read more about the media room, and the house I am building by clicking here

What else happened? I think Linda and I fought for a couple days, about her daughter. I think I started it, but didn't really cop to it. I will make an amens today. 

Monday October 26 2009 6:58 AM AST

Wow! day two of blogging. I suppose I shouldnt be too impressed< i can usually keep something new up for two days. The real test will be in 5 or 10.

I suppose a lot of people wake up Monday morning dreading the work week. I don't, (prolly cause I don't work)  No, instead, I wake up obsessing over what I failed to accomplish over the weekend. Somehow, friday afternoons produce all kinds of ideas of what little project I am going to work on all weekend, and Monday Mornings always find those little projects unfinished.  Sloth is constantly battles irony as my greatest curse.

Some say, "but look what you get done all week, you deserve to rest on weekends." I dont think my father ever taught me that rest was an ok endeavor. The conflict lies iun the fact that i practice rest better than I practice discipline.  I am abhorently self indulgent (sometimes) when it comes to "chillin"

So my weekend went  something like this. I ran errands most of the day Saturday, then dinked around with my media center creation Saturday afternoon. I rode my motorcycle to a meeting Saturday night then home to my new couch to watch my first movies on the big screen.  I was up well past midnight, and I think I slept in until almost 5 AM on Sunday morning. 

I was in a bit of a funk all day Sunday. I got pretty motivated to start on the doors for the media center. got all the tools and parts assembled upstairs, got the shelf pulled out from the wall, then sat down for a little programming, and never got back to the building part.  Never go around to mudding the wall behind it either. I think I got the concept firmed up in my mind though. Maybe that is the important part. the creative process. Since EVERYTHING in my life is custom, I sometimes have to stare at something for a while to get the plan. Sometimes this is a slow process. Sometimes fast but rare is the day that I just know what I want to do. 

So now it is monday, I get to look at the week ahead and plan what I want to try to make happen this week.  I try to avoid putting myself in any position of "must do"  even though pressure is about my only motivator, I try to avoid it. 

So, I will carry over the things I was going to accomplish this weekend to this week. I will have John mud the theater wall this morning, while I go to my business appointment. When I get back, I will work on acid washing the fireplace rocks.  Then I will work on the media center cabinet. That should get us through a day. 

I really like having John work with me on the house. I didnt think I would be able to tolerate having somebody in my space, now that I am used to my blissful isolation, but I must say that without John, just about nothing would happen.  

The rest of the week I am going to spend gathering firewood. It is probably about time since snow can't be too many days away. 

I am also going to continue my contemplation of  Right View. Right view is the first step on my 8 fold noble path to enlightenment.  Simply put, Right View is to see things for what they really are. Sansara has left us all with the inability to find truth. Right View is my rebellion against the tragic loss of truth.

My quest for right view begins with checking the latching's of my mind before they become my truth. I try to remove the prejudices of my perception and lay bare the nakedness of truth as it is to the greater realm.  

e.g lets say, I see a pretty girl in the store. My mind immediately enjoys her beauty. Some deeper animal drinks of lustful possibilities while my inner cynic calls her a whore.  My mind can extrapolate an entire lifetime in just a few moment. latching on to past experiences, like, Ok she is beautiful, so every guy in the world hits on her, she knows she is beautiful, did somebody along the way teach her that she has power over the mensch with her beauty and lust? Would I be a victim of that. You bet I would.  Would I fall in love with her Yes again, Would I eventually learn to hate her? probably... 

Why?

The answer is not to figure out the whys of the above. the answer is to know that the extrapolation is simply a construct of insidious mindfulness. The only right view that occurred was to appreciate her beauty as it is when it is. The rest was all hypothetical.

So, she is beautiful stop there. I don't need to dive into what to do about it, or how it would hurt me. I simply see the beauty, and appreciate it. By removing all the other ramblings I can find a deeper appreciation for what actually is. 

Ok, so that was probably a bad example, I will try to come up with a better one for tomorrow.

Time to get to work, you should to..

Damn you father!!!!