The Perspective of the Alienated Child
"Inside every alienated child is a child who feels rejected. This is an essential insight." [Baker2014 Co-parenting with a toxic ex]. The targeting parent manipulates the child to believe that the alienated parent rejects them. This is counter-intuitive for a targeted parent to understand, because they (TP) feel rejected.
Amy Baker also says "the child will have an explanation for the breach". They key is to be able to figure out what it is, but the child may not share it. I recommend that you read Amy Baker's Coparenting book. The explanation will make sense from the limited information the child has. For example, the alienator may tell the child that their other parent abandoned them, and all the child may be able to see is that their other parent is not there. The truth may be that the alienator may have abducted them or put the other parent in jail due to a false allegation, or insisted in the separation that the other parent move out, but the child may not be privy to that additional essential information.
Dr Childress has the deepest, best explanation Understanding the Child's Experience, summarized as ""Your child loves you with all their heart. Your are the world to them. They are lost. They are living in a psychologically dangerous world of ever-changing truth and reality. They must do what it takes to survive in the dangerous psychological world of living with the narcissistic/(borderline) parent. We must be able to protectively separate the child from the pathology of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent before we can restore the child’s authenticity."
Karen Woodall describes the healing journey of a recovered child in this outstanding essay.
Ryan Thomas, adult child of parental alienation points out that a child feels tremendous pressure and discomfort that go away when the finally reject their other parent.
CNN reminds us that abused children do not realize they are being abused.
Other Points:
They are told and believe that one parent has done a horrible thing to them: abandoned them, does not love them, too cheap to pay for their dream, left the house, one parent took all the money from the custodial parent by having a better attorney. They might say “my dad/mom makes me brush my teeth.” [Warshak2010 Divorce Poison]
Elizabeth Smart said “There is no way I could have endured this abuse without falling under his control”. [Smart]
As children, they may hold an overly simplistic review of a complex problem. [Baker2014 Surviving ] However, they rarely reveal the problem to the targeted parent.
They fear the loss of relationship from the other parent.
It can take hold in the child because from their limited vantage point – yes, my one parent is not here (but never knows that the targeting parent is not there due to false allegations). All the child sees is, yes, “my other parent is not here and does not call”, but not knowing that the other parent throws away letters and does not answer phone calls. [Baker2014 Surviving]
Treat one parent as one would treat their worst enemy. [Warshak2010 Divorce Poison]
High empathy approach is needed. Famous example: a child believes that one parent refused to pay for college. When confronted with the cancelled checks cashed by the other parent and used for other reasons, they refused to believe it. An emotional, empathetic approach works better. [Baker2009 Adult Children]
Taught to dispense with relationships at first hint of trouble rather than to resolve.
The accusing parent is highly believable and earnest [Baker2014 Surviving]
May not be emotionally ready to accept the truth.
Not mature enough to understand the complex family dynamics (simplistic explanation) [Baker2014 Surviving]
From their perspective, the lies / exaggerations appear to be true.
'Parental Alienation is a disease inflicted in isolation, meant to be suffered in isolation.' [Brian Ludmer]
See Linda Gottlieb's article on "Even Abused Foster Children Do Not Reject a Parent"
See Karen Woodall's article on "The Unbearable Experience of The Alienated Child": "In essence, the unbearable position of the alienated child is one which should concern anyone who is working with children’s mental health, because it is child abuse at the deepest level of the developing psyche. Whether the alienation is caused deliberately or through the unconscious upholding of the child’s maladaptive efforts to cope with post separation family life, the end result is that the child is being abused at a level which is life changing. And because this abuse is so hidden and so much attributed to external factors which can be too readily dismissed or overlooked (it’s all about parental rights, it’s a he said/she said situation), the harm which is being done, which is at the fundamental level of developing personality and even brain structure, is being completely ignored. Parental alienation is not about conflict between parents, it is not about a parent’s right to have a relationship with a child, it is not about whether a child should live in a shared care situation or whether a presumption of shared care would prevent the problem, it is a pernicious and dangerous form of emotional and psychological abuse which is perpetuated by parents and entrenched by our family law system. Parental alienation is a child mental health issue and like the concerns raised about the brainwashing and grooming of children in Rochdale, it is an issue which is hidden from our immediate view by the attitudes and beliefs about post separation parenting which are prevalent in our society."
The American Psychiatric Association has identified these tendencies in a borderline or narcissistic parents:
a. "parentify their own children"
b. "excessively bind their children to themselves"
c. "demand absolute, unlimited control over their children while threatening rejection"
d. project their own fears onto the other parent
e. abandon their spouse in favor of their children
f. revive their own childhood attachment trauma after a difficult experience
g. force a child to engage in highly pathological behaviors such as running away or attempting suicide in order to break away from parental control
Here is a discussion about how visitation blocking and false allegations can affect a child's relationship with their soon to be erased parent: