Memorial Services

Whether or not children should attend services depends on many factors, such as their relationship to the deceased, religious and cultural beliefs, their desire to attend, and their maturity/coping skills.

If your child attends the service, the following are some considerations to keep in mind:

Explain what will happen. Where will it take place? Who will be there? What is likely to occur and what will the child be doing? Will there be an open casket or will the child be unable to see the deceased? Will people be telling stories of funny or pleasant memories? Will there be a lot of crying? How is the room likely to be arranged? Create a picture in the child's mind so the child knows exactly what to expect. These details are especially important if the child has not been to a service in recent memory.
Ask your child how s/he feels about attending and create a plan for strong emotions. If attending is optional, ask your child if s/he wants to go. At times, attendance may not be optional. In that case, still ask your child how s/he feels about attending and discuss those emotions. Additionally, create a plan for what the child will do if s/he needs a break for a few minutes, such as getting a drink of water, taking deep breaths, or using the restroom.
Offer a role in the service, if appropriate. Your child may appreciate a simple task, such as handing out memorial cards, helping to choose flowers, or helping to select a song. Suggest something that will be comforting, but not overwhelming.
Review what s/he can say or what s/he should expect to hear. It helps to tell children that, many times, people are not quite sure what to say at a funeral, especially since nothing truly takes away the sadness of the loss. Review what the child can say to loved ones, such as: "I'm sorry for your loss" or "I love you." If the deceased was close with the child, review what the child can expect others to be saying to him/her.
Explain that there is no "right" way to feel and that people may be experiencing a range of feelings. People have varied reactions at funerals - some cry, some feel angry, some appear as their normal selves, and others feel relief because they believe the deceased in a better place. Explain this to your child and share that s/he may feel anything along that range as well.
Check in afterward. After the service, talk about the experience with your child. Ask what they thought, if they have any feelings they want to share, or if there are any questions they want to ask.

(Coalition to Support Grieving Students, n.d.; New York Life Foundation, 2014)

References

Coalition to Support Grieving Students (n.d.) Supporting our students after the death of a family member or friend.

New York Life Foundation (2014). After a loved one dies - how children grieve and how parents and other adults can support them. New York: Author. Retrieved from: http://www1.newyorklife.com/newyorklife.com/General/FileLink/Static%20Files/Bereavement-bklet-English.pdf.