I might not have ended up dying, but something did die inside of me that week.

I wasn't only crying because at any moment I could've died and I was in great pain, but I was crying because you knew I was dying and you didn't care.

You didn't care.

You didn't care.

It echoed and echoed in my head.

If I die, he has proven he won't care.

Would that make my death easier or harder?

You knew about it. You knew the details. You were updated.

You were the only text response I gave a fuck about while lying in my hospital bed; the only one I was waiting for.

You didn't respond to my mother. You didn't text me. You didn't call me. You didn't try at all to see if I was okay or if I wasn't dead. You didn't try to visit me.

You left me to die without saying anything.

I don't give a fuck if we are not in communication or how long we take apart, I should mean at least a little bit of something to you after all the shit and all the time I've given you these three years and you should care at least enough to fucking check if I'm alive. That's the absolute fucking least you could have done.

If it were you, you know I would've called you and texted you and stayed updated and came to visit you. I would've done everything in my power to make sure you were okay and alive.

You knew I was at that hospital suffering and possibly just waiting for my body to give up and die.

You don't even care if I'm alive?

Even if you don't love me, I was your friend at one point. You could've at least cared for me as a human being and asked if I was okay.

Maybe I'm not a big part of your life. But you are a huge part of mine.

You have no idea how much you mean to me and how much I love you.

I never got the opportunity to have a first, so I considered you my first. You were the first man I loved. The first and only one I felt okay and safe with touching me. The first one I allowed myself to express love to and the first man I felt it for.

So yeah, it hurts that you didn't say anything. It hurts you didn't care.

It was so hard for me to be intimate. I gave you everything and it was so hard for me to do that. But I did it because I love you. You didn't even deserve any of it. You didn't deserve my body or touch or to touch me and have me like that. You didn't deserve my affection. You don't deserve the three years I've spent waiting on a chance with you. You don't know how hard it was because you've never cared to learn about the things I've been through before.

You've broken me. I'm unfixable now.

I'll never forget that you didn't care if I had died.

As much as I miss you, let me tell you this. If you come back, if you ever want me again, you have to really really prove you're sorry and prove you've changed and give me the effort and actually give me the things I need and want and give me a serious relationship. Anything less I won't spend any more of my precious time on.

You've already taken years of this beaten life from me.

If you want me, I need the grandest gesture, the grandest time and effort, the grandest change, and the grandest love and relationship.

-Cassandra Alexa

My heart was beating in my head. I started to feel dizzy again. I felt myself slowly falling so I grabbed the pole on the wall of the tub and the shower door on my left. My body jerked. I looked down and realized I had thrown up everything. I heard the beeping noise again. Super loud. Then nothing at all. I was falling. I tried to yell but I couldn't get my voice out. My mom would never hear me. I gave up. I began praying. "I know I was a sinner. But please have mercy and take me to Heaven." My lights got smaller and smaller. All I saw was the blur of the water over my eyes. Then nothing. My head laid on my shoulders. It felt like the moment you go from resting your eyes, to sleeping. That's what it felt like when I fainted. The moment you fall into sleep.

I honestly thought I had died.

"Carlos! She fainted in the shower! She fell!"

"Help me!"

"Cassandra!"

"Cassandra!"

" Wake up! Wake up!"

"... threw..towel over her..."

"...... throwing up!...nose and mouth... she can't breathe!.. slipping!.. heavy!... can't hold her!"

"Cassandra, wake up!"

I fell asleep! I have to wake up.

Get up. Get up. You have to get up.

"Huh? Did I fall asleep?"

"No, you fainted. You keep falling in and out of consciousness."

"Oh," I said as I continued throwing up from both my nose and mouth. I gasped. I gasped.

"Cassandra, wake up!"

"Huh?"

"Try to stay awake, please. Stay awake."

"What are you saying to me?"

"...in and out of consciousness..clothes on.. wake up!...ambulance...emergency room... clean up.. throw up..."

I changed into my clothes.

"What's going on?"

There were a bunch of men in a line from my bathroom door to a gurney in the living room.

I threw myself up on the bed.

"your stuff... mask..."

I laid down. It rose up high as I went down my porch steps. I wondered if my neighbors were seeing me.

"No one can go."

I wondered if the last time my parents would see their daughter would be in a gurney getting loaded into an ambulance they weren't allowed to ride in.

They put me in the back of the ambulance.

Cool, I'm in an ambulance. I've always wanted to see what it was like riding in one. There were men in the back. Did they see my breasts? I think they put a shot in my chest, but I don't know. They put patches on me and started putting blood in my arm. I didn't have the energy to freak out with the needles.

I suddenly saw much clearer and thought a little bit more clear. But I think I might've been saying silly things because they were smiling and laughing in a friendly way.

Okay?

Maybe I said something funny.

Did I?

The lights of the ambulance outside were pretty. The city lights. The cars. Beautiful.

Music kept playing back there.

They rolled me into the emergency room. They were looking at me.

"... so young... bleeding... immediately...too young... said period... bleeding for two and a half months..."

"Two and a half months?!... a lot of blood!... how..alive?!.. 19?!...need...blood."

They asked me questions.

"I can't move. I can't understand."

They stuck a COVID test up my nose and whatever that thing is called for sonograms up my vagina and stuck needles in my arms and did a bunch of tests on me at once.

PAIN.

Stop. Stop.

"Blood transfusion..."

"You're in critical condition, do you understand?"

Critical?

...

I could really die tonight....

-Cassandra Alexa

They let me out the next day, after one blood transfusion.

I bled all of my blood out again. (I was literally pretty much out of blood.) I almost had a heart attack. I was fainting. I couldn't take another step. I couldn't understand again.

I went to the emergency room again.

"Again?!!... same girl!!..she's 19!!... who let... out?!.. lower than when she came in!... ridiculous!... who let... out?!..blood transfusion yesterday.. needs at least 2 blood transfusions now... overnight... where's my blood?!...hurry... needs blood!"

I didn't end up just staying overnight. I spent a week in that horrible place.

Death is my biggest fear. I have panic attacks just thinking about it.

I am terrified of needles.

My veins are naturally thin, but as I bled so much, they got even thinner. They even needed to do a sonogram on my arm to see where my veins were. They guessed. Each time they stuck me with a needle, they poked me like six times, and not only that, they pushed the needle super deep into my arm and used big needles and dug and moved the needle around inside of my arms. Every few seconds-minutes they were poking a needle inside of me. They did this for a week.

I had 6 blood transfusions in total. It hurts getting a blood transfusion as you can feel the blood going into your arm at a different temperature, and that coldness replicates the feeling of pain.

Blood. IV. Medicine. Blood Samples. All needles. All the time.

My arms were huge bruises. I couldn't pick them up or move them. I couldn't feed myself. If I see another needle in my life, I think I'll lose my shit. I have trauma from those fucking needles. I already had a super bad fear. Now imagine how bad that fear is.

Every time they put a needle in me I had a panic attack and cried. I couldn't breathe.

The needles were the worst part for me.

There's a lot of horrible things about my experience though, including: a horrible period since the age of ten (which is the reason my growth was stunted and my development was delayed, which resulted in lifelong bullying and self-esteem issues/ body insecurities now); this time: a period lasting two and a half months with horrible symptoms including: huge blood clots and a constant flow, hearing my heart beat in my head, dizzyness, not being able to get up and walk for two mouths and a half, having accidents every few minutes, even when wearing 2 maxipads at a time, chest pain, naseau and vomiting/ not being able to eat, a beeping sound in my ears, losing all the pigment in my skin and gums, my legs and arms falling asleep every few seconds, headaches, my eyes hurting, being bedridden for two and a half months, needing a towel under me at all times and constantly changing clothes and pads, not being able to feed myself, needing help walking, feeling my heart beating in my back, a very rapid heartbeat that I could feel, and extreme sleepiness; other bad things included: the bad doctor pulling my clothes off and sticking his hand up my vagina and hurting me, reminding me of other men who hurt me, the rude nurses who didn't take care of me well, being forced to walk by the bad doctor and almost fainting in the hallway and bathroom and needing another blood transfusion, not being able to walk, but instead rolled around in a wheelchair if I really had to move, everyone in the hospital seeing my breasts, vagina, and butt, having my blood turn black or into liquid, as I pretty much had none left, waiting for responses from people and never getting them, the body pains/ not being able to move at all, and the long lasting nightmares I had about: doctors and nurses touching me and stabbing me with needles and killing me or surrounding me and standing over me with tools under the bright overhead hospital lights as I laid on a metal table meant for experiments, or the doctors and nurses saying I died, or me just being in the hospital, or the bad doctor touching me inappropriately, or running away from demons and monsters, or me dying; and these dreams were accompanied by long lasting sleep paralysis .

I was scared to sleep. Sleeping feels like fainting.

And having a dream that you died and waking up into sleep paralysis makes you think you did die.

My first doctor left me in critical condition three times that week. Basically, I was in critical condition the whole time I was there.

I switched doctors on the weekend and my new doctor gave me the procedure I needed.

It's called a D&C.

Basically, what happened to me this time was this:

Usually, when you have a period the lining of your uterus grows and shrinks back when you're done.

But for me, it grew way more than it should've for some reason, sending my body signals that I was still on my period and was supposed to still be bleeding. It never shrank back or gave my body signals to stop. So I had to do this procedure to scrape out the lining of my uterus because it wasn't naturally shrinking like usual.

The doctors said they didn't know how I survived or how I'm alive. They said it didn't make sense. They said if I hadn't got to the emergency room at the time I did that night that I would've died because I wouldn't have gotten my blood transfusion fast enough. They said I'm lucky I didn't have a heart attack or choke on my vomit or hit my head on the tub. They said my body fought hard. They said I was a miracle.

My period stopped after the procedure. I have a check-up tomorrow.

I'm scared for my next period. One, because I don't want to experience bleeding after this experience. And two, because I don't want it to be a bad period again.

My knees, back, and neck still hurt. I kinda have to retrain myself to walk. I still can't bend my stomach much. I still can't pick up anything heavy. But overall, I'm feeling good now.

-Cassandra Alexa

I've always struggled to feel close to God and my faith.

But I knew it was Him that saved me that night. I knew it was Him who sent me my good doctor. I knew it was Him who kept me safe when I was scared to go under anesthesia. I knew it was Him who made sure the procedure cured me.

I had a teddy bear next to me after the procedure.

I think it was a gift from God to remind me that even if I don't feel like it sometimes, He does love me and is there for me. I saw it as something to comfort me and act as a friend.

They rolled me down to the room where they do procedures and I woke up and I was fine. I even got a popsicle and stickers too.

I was coming off anesthesia afterward so I was kind of high I guess.

I was smiling and crying because everything I saw, I loved. I was so happy to be alive. That's the first time I ever felt like that. That was the first time in a long time I felt close to God and I felt happy. It was the first time I felt close to my mom.

I was just so grateful and happy. I spent the whole night smiling and crying and thinking about how happy I felt and everything I was grateful for, and how close I felt to God that night. I was so excited to go home. I actually felt His love.

I'm trying to figure out how to always feel like that.

But that was one of my happiest moments.

-Cassandra Alexa

Dr. Ondrizek, I will never forget or stop being grateful that you saved my life. I thank you so much for being a good, fair, nice doctor who gave me the help that I needed. And thank you to the kind nurses that took care of me well and were nice to me. Thank you for being the good-hearted medical staff I needed to make it through. I can't thank you enough.

-Cassandra Alexa

I felt the floors were unstable and tilted in the opposite direction I stepped, like a see-saw. It was moving within itself like I could feel the plate tectonics. I floated around in the stars as an angel sang to me. I was the princess of that universe. I danced all my moves out of my system, with pure energy, effort, and joy. I felt so beautiful as I walked the runway with my music engulfing me in the party of a fashion show. My hangers moved as if someone had hit them. My chair and table grabbed me, trying to keep me in my room. I opened my door and the floor was moving. The walls of my apartment and everything inside them were shifting around like a rubrics cube. I began to see layers upon layers of worlds, multiverses, and alternate realities of my world for the rest of the night. I could see myself like I was starring in a movie about my life. I saw myself in the other worlds. I did different things there. Things happened differently in different worlds and the same in others. I walked the hallways for eternity and never moved. I was standing in the same spot. Everything was the same. I kept crashing into the walls as they turned. If I touched the wall, my hand would sink into it. I would sink inside the wall and my legs started to melt, then all at once, my whole body melted into the ground. Someone peaked around the corners and doors and walked around. I saw clear lines forming figures sticking out all over the walls; some were lower, some were higher, some were closer, some were far apart. I couldn't tell what some were. I saw a plaid skirt. I saw a mannequin. I saw a woman's naked body. All in one. I saw diamond bead curtains hanging all over the hallway. I was in a store. I was walking through an aisle of a smoke shop or a local grocery store. I could fly. I flew everywhere. I was floating. I felt wind. I heard boats. Every picture looks blurry or rippling in a kaleidoscope way. Every light looked brighter and had colors streaming off of it. I could reach inside the stove. I could reach inside the wall. I saw swirling colors in the patterns. Time existed in the past, present, and future, all at once. Yet, time didn't exist at all. It just was and is. I saw so many galaxies, planets, and stars, and many that were exploding. They floated at the ceiling and they were in front of me too. They were also in the palm of my hands. My palms swirled and my hand moved in waves and twisted and got smaller and longer. My hand looks like a flesh kaleidoscope. There were patterns in my hand and on the floor and in the walls and in the ceiling that all moved like a kaleidoscope and waved. Some of them were in bright colors. I saw colorful dots floating around. I saw two of the same roommate. One of her was on the computer and the other one was doing the dishes. I couldn't feel myself eating or drinking. It started off as genuine happiness and excitement then quickly became terrifying. Sound was distorted. Everything sounded like a chopped and screwed voice or a robot or an alien or something deteriorating, or sounded electronic or high or low or fast or slow, or was in tounges or not making sense or was very loud or quiet or silent or in a crazy or evil voice. Sometimes things were added or subtracted or changed from what people were saying. Everything I heard or said echoed and echoed and echoed and overlapped all the other things echoing. It's my birthday, isn't it? Someone was knocking on the door. There was no one there. Again and again and again. I heard doors opening and shutting all night. I heard people calling my name and calling me to them or to go to wherever they were or to open the door for them. I heard sirens, a tornado warning, police, firetrucks, fire alarms, smoke detectors, horns, bells. There was an emergency going on and I was in trouble and everyone was coming to get me to get out of here. And the sound never stopped. It was extremely loud. It wouldn't stop. Everything was overlapped. The things I saw wouldn't stop either. I saw rats running across the floor. There were people watching me in the bathroom. My eyes were in pain, I could feel and see the dilation was huge. I had no control over my mind or actions and I felt afraid. There was a weird nasty taste on my tongue. I saw sparkles. I saw snowflakes and a winter wonderland. I gradually started seeing more and more people. They were everywhere. They were walking around. They were grabbing me and pulling me (off my bed too) and calling me and screaming at me and clawing at me and touching me inappropriately. I felt sad and I felt water on my face, so I thought I was crying, even if I wasn't. I cried these diamonds that were liquid globs. I had water all over my body and clothes. I looked in the mirror. I was pregnant with the Antichrist; it was kicking and moving around. I looked pretty sometimes and other times I didn't. I saw deeper worlds in screens inside of mirrors and mirrors inside of screens running for eternity. I heard scary whispers in the hallway. I could hear every sound that exists and doesn't exist in every multiverse all at once. I heard the amazon, and the city, and animals, and voices, and thuds and bells and bangs and yells and explosions and doors and footsteps and everything. I saw a rainbow that swirled from time to time. I saw skeleton paper snowflakes kaleidoscoping in the ceiling. Everything was dripping in colorful goo and water. I saw my childhood and I saw myself in the present and I saw myself as an old lady. I saw bugs crawling on my bed and on my window. Maggots and worms. I could hear things and see things and people inside of people's rooms who were on the other end of the phone. I was having false memories and truths. My pillow has a heartbeat. I heard people saying mean things to me. All of my rapists and harassers came into the room and raped me. I writhed around, gasping for air and pushing something off of me and trying to pull my legs away from them and my back away from my bed, yelling for help. My bed and sheets and wall were eating me. There was someone in my covers and outside of my covers pulling my legs and clawing into me. My body turned around and I had several distorted demonic hands and feet with claws that I dug into myself with. There was blood on my wrists and cuts on my legs too. I yelled for help for hours and no one heard me. Is someone here to help me? I saw A$AP Rocky! I was so excited! I'm so in love with him and here he is! What's that noise? Bing! Bing! Bing! Bing! Chandler Bing! Chandler Bing walked into my room. Then Joey, then Phoebe, then Rachel, then Monica, then Ross. Why is the cast of Friends in my room? I saw a teddy bear that kept changing. I was in Santa's Workshop. I saw elves. I closed my eyes and I was in a video game. I was in a racing game in the dark and there were lines and lights and candy falling. I heard lasers shooting in the video game. I was in Looney Land. I was at Six Flags. I saw plants and trees and flowers in my room. I saw the same man outside walking up and down each street at the same time all night. Water was filling up my room. People stood over me while I slept and watched me and called me. I saw several of my roommates and several other people and they were trying to get me. I was hot. I saw him. I laid on his chest while he held me again and he kissed me. But he wasn't answering me when I talked to him. I was scared. I was terrified. Is he okay? Is he safe? What's wrong with him? Why isn't he answering? Someone told me that wasn't the real him and I couldn't believe it. Because I remember feeling the same things with him in real life. I thought everyone was hurt and being watched. Everyone, even in the other buildings, was staring at me and looking at me. I saw I was in the hospital again. I saw death. I saw Saw in my lights. I saw pretty colors stretch off of my lights. I saw pixie dust. I had wings and a mermaid tail. I saw the ring girl. I saw horror movie characters. I saw a blue smoke everywhere and I smelled smoke. I felt like I was suffocating and my heart hurt and was racing. I cried. I was panicked about being in trouble. People were mad at me and yelling at me. People screamed in horror. I could hear the cries from hell. Someone needed help. It's a trap; don't trust them. I felt nauseous. I felt so sad and alone. I was overwhelmed. I felt ashamed. I was terrified to be alone. I couldn't tell what was real. There were patterns on my window and walls. There was a spider on my wall. There were holes in the wall. I thought it would never end. I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't and who I should believe. I needed to use the bathroom, but I didn't know how to get out. I looked in one direction and saw somewhere else. I could hear someone coming. I saw that I threw up everywhere and I gasped and yelled for help. I didn't actually throw up I guess. My music sounded crazy. The beats were going crazy. "House of Balloons/ Glass Table Girls" kept playing over and over and over. My door and everything in my apartment was bent. I heard the wind chimes that used to be on my grandpa's porch. He knows I haven't been praying for his soul lately. He's coming to get me. I'm underneath the computer table from my childhood. Everything was so loud. What if I accidentally take all my Tylenol pills? My mouth and lips felt dry. I saw myself without clothes even though my clothes were on. I could reach inside my chest into my body. I could see the bones and meat in my hand. My veins were moving and big chunks of something, maybe rocks, were stuck in them and were also moving through my veins. Someone laughed evilly in a chopped and screwed voice. My feet were burning. I was having an anxiety attack. I thought I was going to be insane or die. I was afraid because I didn't know what was real and if it was going to end and if I was in trouble. I was alone and they were trying to get me. My shirt is filling up with air. I felt my body was much fuller and it felt good. I hear glasses breaking. I heard electronic sounds. My head stays in place while my body is twisting around like crazy and moving and breaking and changing. Sometimes my head would spin too. I hear fire trucks and police cars; they're here to arrest me. I hear ambulances.

The next day I was very paranoid. I still heard and saw some things. I was very anxious. I feel hungry, but I can't eat. My head hurts today. My eyes hurt. I hardly slept.

Yesterday my senses were able to do things I shouldn't be able to do. I believe now that it is a portal I opened.

-Cassandra Alexa