After a brief moment of hating you and after a while of being sad, there comes a time when all that's left is to miss you. Maybe you know that's how my heart works.

But then again, you don't know much about my heart.

Usually, when you come back, I accept you with open arms and kisses like nothing ever happened just because I'm glad you're back home. But if you come back again, I know I have to speak.

I don't even know where I'd start. You've never been there throughout our whole story. You don't know anything about my life.

I've loved you for two years. Never once have we been on a date. Never once have you given me a chance.

I don't have the time or strength anymore to go through this pattern again or to receive anything less than what I deserve.

I want a real relationship. I want to be the only one.

I won't give you my body if I don't get your love. I won't be on the side for you.

(There's always going to be another girl that's better, right?)

There's so much you don't know. You don't know why I've cried this ocean. And you've never been a crutch for me. In fact, you've hurt me incredibly. So maybe you won't understand it when I tell you I've been healing and growing and you're getting in the way of that.

I know now that if I decide to give my all to a person, I want and deserve that person to give me their all and love me too and I never deserved to be treated the way you treated me.

If you actually want me and are going to treat me better and be with me, make the effort and show me. Get to know me.

-Cassandra Alexa

Could anyone ever love me even with my brokenness?

What if he knew? Would he still be there? Would he understand? Would he think I'm crazy or weird or over exaggerating?

Would he hold me at night and help me fall asleep when I can't and tell me everything's okay? Would he massage me when I get my body aches? Would he kiss me when I feel unlovable?

I don't think he could love a broken girl like me.

I don't think anyone could.

I have to hide my brokenness along with my heart.

-Cassandra Alexa

I just want a hug. Tell me you love me. Don't let me go.

-Cassandra Alexa

Am I fading away from your memory?

Are you going to reach back out?

I'm standing my ground and I know your ego is big.

So who's going to say something first?

What if you don't say something because I don't say something?

What if I lose you?

What if we never get to have this talk?

Do you wonder how I'm doing? Would you care? Do you miss me when you're gone?

Where are you?

Say something.

I miss you.

But I also need to tell you what I need.

I wonder if you would ever read this or if your friends show you my stuff.

I don't know if you've ever looked at my art.

Come back.

-Cassandra Alexa

I try to distract myself.

I try to forget you.

I try to convince myself that I don't need you or romance in general.

I try to remind myself how much you hurt me.

But then these thoughts drift into my head.

I wonder how you're doing.

I wonder what you're doing.

I wonder if you ever think about me.

I remember times you made me happy.

I wish you were here next to me.

I wish I could tell you about my day.

I wish I could listen to you talk about your day.

I wish I could share my days and experiences with you.

I wish you were here.

I'm just waiting for you.

-Cassandra Alexa

Sometimes I feel so in love. Not with anyone. Just in love.

It's something internal.

It's an emotion.

It's just like romantic love.

It is romantic love.

Except I have no partner.

It's just me.

All this stored love just waiting for someone.

If he came back and was with me, this love could be given to him.

I would shower my partner with love and effort and give them the world.

I would love to have you sitting beside me while we watch a movie.

I would love to love you.

But I don't think he'd be interested.

No one ever is.

I've never had a relationship.

Maybe it's scary. Maybe I would feel trapped.

Maybe I would love receiving affection.

I don't know.

I know I'd give them all of me though.

I doubt he'd ever give me all of him.

I doubt he's even interested.

Maybe I'll just use this love in me as thread and sew myself a cloak of happiness.

Maybe I'll just stay alone to protect that cloak.

But, oh, what a sweet thought it is when I think about him or someone in love with me.

But if I never get to be with anyone maybe it wouldn't matter.

-Cassandra Alexa

I try to get pretty for you.

I try to look good in all aspects of my life for you.

I hate waiting for you to notice it or to notice me.

I hate waiting for you to say something or to think I'm pretty and tell me that.

It hurts when you don't notice.

Is your pride too big or do you not find me pretty enough?

I bet you don't care how I'm doing.

I bet you don't think about me.

I worry I can't keep your interest.

I worry you won't come back.

I worry I'll lose you.

I bet you wouldn't be able to find out if I died.

I bet you wouldn't care.

Why do I want a person who spends so much time away from my life when, in a moment, the earth could lose me and they wouldn't know or care?

-Cassandra Alexa

With life moving so fast, I can't waste time on a stagnant person.

Life is transitioning for us. I've got big plans. I'm moving places.

Grab my hand before we lose each other in these motions.

-Cassandra Alexa

I might not have ended up dying, but something did die inside of me that week.

I wasn't only crying because at any moment I could've died and I was in great pain, but I was crying because you knew I was dying and you didn't care.

You didn't care.

You didn't care.

It echoed and echoed in my head.

If I die, he has proven he won't care.

Would that make my death easier or harder?

You knew about it. You knew the details. You were updated.

You were the only text response I gave a fuck about while lying in my hospital bed; the only one I was waiting for.

You didn't respond to my mother. You didn't text me. You didn't call me. You didn't try at all to see if I was okay or if I wasn't dead. You didn't try to visit me.

You left me to die without saying anything.

I don't give a fuck if we are not in communication or how long we take apart, I should mean at least a little bit of something to you after all the shit and all the time I've given you these three years and you should care at least enough to fucking check if I'm alive. That's the absolute fucking least you could have done.

If it were you, you know I would've called you and texted you and stayed updated and came to visit you. I would've done everything in my power to make sure you were okay and alive.

You knew I was at that hospital suffering and possibly just waiting for my body to give up and die.

You don't even care if I'm alive?

Even if you don't love me, I was your friend at one point. You could've at least cared for me as a human being and asked if I was okay.

Maybe I'm not a big part of your life. But you are a huge part of mine.

You have no idea how much you mean to me and how much I love you.

I never got the opportunity to have a first, so I considered you my first. You were the first man I loved. The first and only one I felt okay and safe with touching me. The first one I allowed myself to express love to and the first man I felt it for.

So yeah, it hurts that you didn't say anything. It hurts you didn't care.

It was so hard for me to be intimate. I gave you everything and it was so hard for me to do that. But I did it because I love you. You didn't even deserve any of it. You didn't deserve my body or touch or to touch me and have me like that. You didn't deserve my affection. You don't deserve the three years I've spent waiting on a chance with you. You don't know how hard it was because you've never cared to learn about the things I've been through before.

You've broken me. I'm unfixable now.

I'll never forget that you didn't care if I had died.

As much as I miss you, let me tell you this. If you come back, if you ever want me again, you have to really really prove you're sorry and prove you've changed and give me the effort and actually give me the things I need and want and give me a serious relationship. Anything less I won't spend any more of my precious time on.

You've already taken years of this beaten life from me.

If you want me, I need the grandest gesture, the grandest time and effort, the grandest change, and the grandest love and relationship.

-Cassandra Alexa

After all that time, I finally told you what I needed from you. I finally stood up for myself. And you told me that you will never be with me. That broke my heart, honestly.

It's like all the shit you ever did, even leaving me to die in the hospital, everything was piled up and I wasn't broken yet, and then you said that and after those three, maybe four years, something just broke.

I was very very sad for a while and then I had to start distracting myself.

But that's just it.

I'm just distracting myself.

I've told you before that I love you and when I'm down for someone I stay down for them.

So, it's not that I don't love you anymore, necessarily, it's just that I've been shoving my feelings and reality way down deep and distracting myself.

But I still think about you, honestly.

And when I do think about you, I miss you like crazy.

Sometimes, I imagine that you show up at my door with flowers and take me on a drive and we talk about everything and you apologize and you tell me you're ready to be my boyfriend and to give me a serious relationship.

Yeah right, like that shit would happen.

But it's a nice thought.

Sometimes, when I let myself think about you, it really hurts. It hurts that things are probably over. It hurts that I might never see you again. And it kills me that I'll never be with you.

But no matter if you've hurt me, know that you were my first love and who I considered to be my first and that means you'll forever have a special place in my heart.

I hope to see you one day in the future.

Please take care of yourself.

-Cassandra Alexa

I liked you for a long time. I thought you were so out of my league and it wasn't worth a try.

You were always sweet to me and that was my favorite thing about you. I never had a guy, in general, just always be sweet to me like that.

I liked you the most during junior and senior year of high school, and junior year was actually when this three, fourish year situation started with this other man. I never dated that man, but I was so in love with him, and he treated me like shit and never dated me. So, I was already going through a lot of shit with him at the time I liked you. It felt good to go from him being a fucking asshole to me and making me want to cry at the beginning of the day, to then get to talk to you the second half of the day and have you drive me home. You always cheered me up, even if you had no idea what was going on.

I probably should've told you then, but I was scared. I thought you wouldn't be into me. I didn't want to lose your friendship. I didn't want to risk losing this idea of a sweet man like you.

Plus, I was super stuck on him because I was in love with him. So, I just didn't say anything.

But when you asked me to hang out, I thought maybe things could be different and I could have a chance with a man that would treat me good, a chance for an actual relationship.

That night was amazing.

It felt like we let everything out after holding it back all that time.

Wow. I couldn't believe I was in the back of your car, on your lap, kissing you. I couldn't believe you looked at me like that too.

It felt like everything was going to change for the better.

You made me feel safe and you respected me and I had a great time with you.

Not to mention, the... other stuff we did lmao. That shit was fucking amazing. I mean that shit was hot lmaooo, I never felt that kind of good before.

To hold you and kiss you, to have you pull me close to you, to have you kiss on me, to hold your hand, to look up at you smiling with your chain hanging over me, to just to have that night with you felt so close and it felt like a breath of fresh air.

It felt like things were changing.

-Cassandra Alexa

Why do I always get myself into these situations?

Maybe it's because no one will date me and I have to take what I can get. Maybe it's because I'm used to shitty situations because of the situations I had with abusive men. Maybe it's because I watched it happen when I was little. Maybe it's because of my abuse. Maybe it's because that's the only way I've ever been in love. Maybe it's because I think about things differently because of a million different reasons and circumstances that, all together, make me the person that naturally falls into the role in these situations.

Maybe it's because I'm just a bad, disgusting person.

But I don't think it's right.

I wouldn't do this to anyone.

I don't want that to be me.

But that's all I am to others.

-Cassandra Alexa

And just like that, you're gone?

Damn.

I'm sorry for your trouble. It's probably my fault.

I just feel sad because I don't want to lose your friendship, because a chance with you would've been amazing, and because it was a big thing for me.

I'm not mad at you.

I hope you can come back soon.

Even if you don't answer me, I hope you know all those things I wanted to say.

-Cassandra Alexa

Hey!

My name is Cassandra.

I'm 19. I'll be 20 on March 17th.

I'm studying Film & Television with a concentration in Directing and a minor in Screenwriting at DePaul University.

I want to be a director, screenwriter, musician, and actress. At least. (Lmao, yes, I know that's a lot of things.)

I make music, more specifically psychedelic hip hop and indie music. I rap. I sing. I write my lyrics and arrange my music.

I like writing. As you can clearly see, I have my own blog. I just like writing in general and also writing scripts, of course.

I like acting.

I like directing projects and making films.

I obviously am a film/tv and music fanatic.

I love fashion and makeup and all things beauty.

I like costume designing for projects.

I like painting.

I like memes.

I care about world and social issues such as (but not limited to): racial justice, gender equality, mental health, sexual assault awareness and prevention, taking care of the earth, LGBTQ+ rights, etc.

My favorite tv show is probably The Office. But other shows I watch a lot/ like a lot (not including animated shows or children/ family shows because then that's a whole other list) are: Pretty Little Liars, Atypical (by the way, I wrote my first spec script over this show), RuPaul's Drag Race, Euphoria, Modern Family, Never Have I Ever, Everybody Loves Raymond, Face Off, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Everybody Hates Chris.

The two movies that are tied for my favorite are Silver Linings Playbook and Goodfellas.

Some of my other top movies are: Eighth Grade, Reign Over Me, Riding in Cars With Boys, Coraline (my favorite stop-motion movie), Juno, Love, Simon, Soul Surfer, Back to the Future, and The Shining.

My favorite actor (and my idol who I literally know every single detail about) is and was Robin Williams.

It's really hard for me to narrow down my top favorite musical artists, so I'll just name a few to give you the gist. (And this is not necessarily in any particular order.) Tyler, the Creator, Childish Gambino, Jack Johnson, The Weeknd, Kid Cudi, Devendra Banhart, and I'm going to just stop here because I could really go on for days and get deeper into different genres and eras and everything.

My favorite song is hard to narrow, but these are my top three songs. Palace/ Curse by The Internet, Steve Lacy, and Tyler, the Creator, Why Don’t You by Cleo Sol, and Young Folks by PeterBjornAndJohn.

My top five favorite colors are: robin's egg blue, sea green, lavender, baby pink, and silver.

I'm super goofy and EXTREMELY clumsy.

I'm sweet.

I like to have fun.

I like to get high. I'm into all that trippy shit.

I think I'm hilarious. You should see me roast the fuck out of my friend Jalen.

I'm literally never mean to people though. Except Jalen. But he's just such a lame, friendless loser that he really doesn't count. (And Jalen if you're reading this, you should feel honored that I mentioned your name. That's the last time I will ever directly address you.)

Anyways lol

That's all the things I would tell someone if they tried to get to know me romantically. It's simple shit. But shit no one knows because no one's ever tried to get to know me.

That sucks right?

The fact that I've never been on a date. The fact that no one has ever tried to know these simple things.

That hits me sometimes.

All I want is for someone to make that effort; for someone to date me; for someone to love me.

I think all I've wanted is just to feel like someone loves me.

And when I think about these things, I realize how stupid and unrealistic that sound for me.

I just wish I was born to be the girl who gets the guy.

I'd love to be her for one day.

-Cassandra Alexa

I am very passionate about mental health. My own and just mental health in general. I want to be able to do my part in educating people and helping people and getting conversations going.

I love the concept of phenomenology. That and my motto "Understand how you feel. Feel it. Express it." are how I'm trying to live my life.

I think it's vital to feel your feelings and to analyze them and to express and verbalize them.
There's such a stigma to mental health issues.

People don't have the conversations they need to. People don't speak freely about their emotions or show their emotions like we should all be able to.

I always try to take the time to understand my feelings and to express them and to allow myself to feel them.

I think some people are uncomfortable with it or they're just not used to it or they don't like it.

I'm sorry if that's how you feel, but that's how I am and that's how I plan to live my life and I'm not going to stop talking freely about my emotions and expressing them.

So, I'm sorry if you think I come on strong when I express my feelings to you. I don't mean to, I just think it's vital for me and for everyone to express our feelings.

Conversations are the only way things get changed, things get done, and peace is attained.

Conversations and feelings are so important.

So, I'm sorry if you don't like it or you think it's weird. Honestly, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. But please try to understand why we should be talking about our feelings.

Especially in a "romantic" situation, nothing will be resolved if we don't talk about things honestly and express our feelings. There's no point in holding things back or hiding things when that will either make the problem worse or those emotions will build and eventually come out in a bad way.

All I am intending to do is create an understanding and resolve the issue. I'm sorry if it seems like a little much to you.

-Cassandra Alexa

I didn't think there was any hope of you coming back that first time. I waited around for a text that I might've not gotten.

But one night I did get that text.

It felt like destiny.

It felt like you were putting up a fight for me and trying to get me, and that felt very romantic.

It felt exciting and like a breath of fresh air.

Conversations were really good for a while.

I saw you that day and everything felt so perfect.

I love the way you kiss me.

I loved the way we were talking and I felt like you genuinely listened and were interested in what I had to say and about getting to know me and about my art.

I really liked getting to know you better.

You made me blush by calling me "baby".

When you held me, with my head on your chest while I hugged you, it was the first time anyone had ever held me like that.

I had always wanted to be held like that. It's one of the only things I've ever really wanted.

I felt the happiest then than any time I can remember and no man had ever made me happy like that before.

While you held me and giggled with me as we kissed, I had a special feeling about you.

I felt like I would've let you just hold me in your arms forever.

It felt like I couldn't wait for when you can hold me at night when we spend the night together for the first time.

It felt so peaceful I could've fallen asleep, which is saying a lot since I have so much trouble sleeping.

It felt like I wanted to spend the summer with you and see you on my next break and like I wanted to see you as soon as I could even though I hadn't left yet.

It felt like I wanted to do everything in the world together.

It felt like I really wanted to try and fight for you and make sure this happens because I felt good about you and I knew you were who I wanted to be with.

It felt so exciting because I felt like you liked me.

And then I heard you affirm that I have a chance with you.

The night ended perfectly with you kissing me the passionate way that you do.

The perfect night ended.

-Cassandra Alexa

It feels like a stab to the gut.

I was so excited. I was so happy.

I really like you.

But after that night, you're responsiveness and conversation decreased.

You never asked me out on any dates.

You ignored me about something very important.

You blocked me on something.

You stood me up.

I guess you're not talking to me anymore.

I feel crushed.

I've liked you for so long and I thought you finally liked me and maybe you were going to date me.

It felt like a brand new start.

This could be my first actual boyfriend. This could be my first date. This could be my first time being liked and loved and treated good by a man. This could be something good, something I really want and I would fight to have and make work and last.

Then the rug was pulled from underneath me.

You?

I expected this from others, but you?

I didn't think you would've done this to me.

I'm sure you know that you're really hurting my feelings. I'm sure you know I really liked you and how much I had my hopes up.

I thought we used to be friends before.

I've always thought you were the sweetest.

And maybe all this was just you knowing I've never experienced romance and you know how much I want to and that I want something serious and you know I genuinely like you, so you were just all sweet on me and said and did things you didn't even mean so that I thought you felt something and I would let you in.

I guess you didn't feel anything kissing me and holding me that night.

But I did.

And as much as I wish you'd just come back and fight for me and do something super-straight-out-of-a Meg-Ryan-movie-romantic for me and say all the right things and actually mean it and prove you're sorry and ask me to be your girlfriend and tell me you really do want to be with me and you want something serious too and then everything goes perfectly fine and you meant all of it and you did like me and later love me and you never hurt me again and we go on to live happily ever after like a fairytale, I know how extremely unlikely that is.

But if I were in a Meg Ryan movie you would show up at my door (or I guess it would be another location we would meet at since my crazy Mexican parents would fucking kill both of us if you just straight up showed up at my house) and bring me roses and kiss me and tell me all of the perfect things I need to hear. Oh my gosh, I would love for that to happen. Mostly because I've never been given flowers before and even though I'd probably end up having to leave them somewhere else and just visit them because if I came home with flowers my parents would kill me, I would still love to have the experience of someone caring enough to bring me flowers. And I wanted all these first experiences and all this cheesy, cliche ass shit to happen with you. Because it would mean the world from you.

But back to reality.

This time I'll tell you how you made me feel, but I'm not chasing after you anymore.

If you want to make things right and come get me, then do it.

If not, as much as it breaks my heart, I can't do anything about it.

All I can do is just dream it isn't like this. Only in my dreams do I have hope.

-Cassandra Alexa

For now, my mind just runs wild.

Did I do something wrong?

I didn't.

Right?

Or maybe it's some quality about me?

Maybe he doesn't think I'm pretty or that I have a good body. Maybe he doesn't like my personality or who I am as a person. Or maybe he doesn't enjoy our physical stuff?

Maybe I just annoyed him or he thinks I'm nagging or asking for too much.

But I don't feel like I am. Plus, I used to allow that to be told to me by bad people, and it was never true.

I don't know.

Maybe he found out about all the shit I've been through and what a shitty life I have behind the scenes.

Maybe he wouldn't want to be with me if he knew about all of it. Even though it's not my fault and it doesn't affect me as a person.

Maybe there's just something wrong with me and that's why no one's ever asked me out.

I can't help but think that.

And I shouldn't feel like that.

And he shouldn't make me feel sad and mad either.

So far, he's made me cry much more than he's made me happy.

But the times he made me happy, it was the happiest I've ever felt and it meant the world to me.

It was genuine on my part, but the problem is that it probably didn't mean anything to him, and he's probably gone anyways.

I smile thinking about him, but then I get sad because I'm not experiencing that happiness anymore.

What can you really do when you're already crumbling?

-Cassandra Alexa

This has nothing to do with him; let's clarify that before anything.

But I just think I'm done both having sex with anyone and trying to date anyone. He was my last try. My last shot.

I determined that before I even did anything with him.

And it's not about him.

Of course, I do really like him, and he's the only one I like or who I would be interested in dating or doing anything with. And if it ended up working out with him and if he for some reason was the one and he's the man I marry and have kids with and all that; that would be great. But that's highly unlikely and besides him, I don't want anyone else.

Sex is a very hard thing for me.

There have only been two consensual, safe, good, non-traumatic situations I've ever been in. One of them was him. He is my last.

When all you experience consistently throughout your life is abuse and abusive treatment from men, you begin to hate men and to genuinely fear them.

It's so hard for me to be intimate with someone.

I don't like to be touched unless it's by someone I really do like, which applies to only him at this time in my life.

I don't want anyone else to hurt me.

I don't want anyone else to see me or touch me.

I don't want anyone else to have access to my feelings anymore.

I don't want to even like anyone anymore.

And when you try your whole life to date and in the end, no one ever dates you and that's how every single situation in your entire life has ended, it feels like that's just how it is for you, and maybe God just has it set in his plans that you aren't supposed to date anyone or have romance; maybe you're just not made for it.

But then why do you have such a desire for it?

Maybe it's just because you've never felt it in any part of your life and if you had one special person who loved you, you would feel like you found what was missing.

I'm just tired of trying to be in a relationship. And I'm not interested in hooking up.

I'm tired of being emotionally and physically hurt.

I'm tired of my mental health deteriorating because of the trauma men have caused my body and mind.

Even with him, the happiest and safest you ever felt, you still have flashbacks; you still have to fight that uncomfortableness away and get yourself to just relax.

It still scares you. And it's still hard for you to trust him.

I'm just done with romance and physicality.

I'm at my maximum capacity for my experiences with abuse.

I can't handle anyone, in general, touching me anymore.

I can't handle the process of hoping someone's going to date me and they never do.

My heart and my mind are just so fucking broken at this point.

It feels like I'm just laying down and giving up.

It feels like the night I fainted. I was in the shower and I remember just giving up. I didn't keep trying to yell for help; I just let my eyes shut and didn't even mind dying.

That's how drained I am.

I'm just so tired of everything. I'm so tired of feeling hurt and nothing ever changes.

It's not about anyone but myself.

I just choose to give up on romance and physicality.

I'll just live my life without it I guess.

I want this decision to be final.

Maybe if he comes back I'll give him a chance if I think he deserves it.

But regardless, I'm not going to add anyone new to my life for those reasons.

-Cassandra Alexa

You don’t care and I think that’s the thing that might hurt the most.

You don’t care that I miss you.

You don’t care to come back.

You don’t care if I wait for you.

You don’t care about me.

You don’t care how I’m doing.

You don’t care how I feel.

You don’t care that you hurt me.

You took what you wanted and left, and I’m not significant anymore.

And that’s it, I guess.

I’ve been hoping you’d come back.

Last time you were gone for three months. This time you’ve been gone for seven months.

I doubt you’ll say anything. I doubt you’ll date me. I doubt you’d ever treat me the way I dream about being treated.

Maybe it just hurts so much because I liked you for so long and I thought you could like me too, or that you did and were trying to be with me. I thought I would have my first boyfriend. I thought, for once in my life, I could eventually feel loved. And, for once in my life, I felt happy and truly excited.

As bad as this might sound, and as bad as it actually is, the way you treated me and our situation was the best treatment I’ve ever received from a man and the best situation I’ve ever had with a man; the closest I’ve ever been to a relationship.

I thought we’d be a good match. I thought I found something worth fighting for.

The idea of "love" has always been sort of like a dog treat on a rope making a dog chase after it, even if it won't be able to get it. It felt good knowing that I could feel safe and at ease now that I was going to have an actual and healthy and happy relationship, which wasn't the case.

I really wanted you to be the end of it all.

And now maybe you're making your final distancing gesture to show me you’re gone and that you don’t care. And the ache I feel is eating into my sides and my heart.

I think about the way you kissed me and it felt so passionate, and the way you held me and made me feel so happy and calm, and the things you said to me and the way you made promises (which I now know were false) about the time we'd spend together and how that made me feel so hopeful. And now I have to look back on it knowing you didn't even mean any of that shit. You knew I liked you. You knew I felt something kissing you and laying with you. You knew what you were doing. You knew I'd perceive it romantically and you knew I wanted to be with you.

How could you do this to me?

I would never even think about hurting you. I would have never walked away from you. I actually cared about you. I would’ve given you everything.

I can’t ever walk away from a person. I can’t ever walk away from memories and emotions. Sometimes I wish I could or I wish I wasn’t so goT damn sensitive and I didn’t feel so much.

Sometimes I wish I could do what you can do.

But I can’t.

I wouldn’t have walked away from you when I thought things were going to go good and I can’t let go of you now, because I still care about you. Even though you’re a fucking asshole.

And you probably know I’d let you back in again. I’ve already given you two separate chances.

I want to wake up and have everything be different.

I want to hear from you.

I want you to swallow your pride and to not let that ego of yours bite you in the ass and have you miss out on having a woman there that actually gives a fuck about you.

I want you to say you’ll change and that you want to be with me.

And what’s the use of that want, really?

It feels over and like it shouldn’t be; it just started, anyways.

The last hope I had was that you’d say something to me and come back. And now I don’t think I have that chance or that hope anymore. And that hurts me so much.

Hope is what I live on. I live in a world where I’m alone all day and I dream of escaping my reality or perhaps my life and that hope of a change, of someone being there, of a different and free life, of happiness; that hope keeps me alive and moving.

That’s why I hold on to hope, or people, so much. I have nothing if I don’t have hope.

And there’s nothing I really want.

I just want to feel loved and I want to escape and I want to make my art and be happy.

I really doubt I can do those things. All the hopes I had have burned out.

I feel like there’s nothing pushing me anymore.

I feel horrible.

And this isn’t just about you; don’t think you have that much power over my heart.

I don’t care if you don’t read this. I’d prefer you not to.

But I also don’t care if you do read this.

I don’t care, because why should I care if you don’t care? I at least deserve to feel and express what I’m feeling.

It doesn’t even matter anyway.

-Cassandra Alexa

I destroy everything I touch.

Why do I even have wants? Why want something when I can’t ever have it? Why can’t I just have something to myself that makes me happy and that stays? Why can’t I feel loved? Why can’t I feel happy? Why can’t I be free?

Why get a fish when it will just die? Why tend to a flower when it will just die? Why make a friend when they’ll just die? Why care about someone when they’ll just die? Why have a baby when they’ll just die?

What is anything really worth?

I’m always trying to find happiness and love and a reason to live, and there’s nothing.

I can’t deal with it.

I’m too scared to die. I don’t want to be dead.

But I think about jumping in front of the train as it comes.

I think about opening my window and letting myself drop fourteen stories.

I think about cutting myself. I got a couple good scratches, but they faded away.

I think about taking a bunch of pills. No one would know until they find me. I can only take a few.

I think about jumping in front of cars.

I think about overdosing.

I don’t have anyone here with me, anyone I feel genuinely close to. No one has ever loved me in a romantic way. I won’t even talk about family. And I cry out to God, for what?

If you can’t escape, why stay?

I can’t get myself out of bed. I can’t make myself talk. I can’t do my homework. I can’t go to class. I can’t go to the grocery store. I can’t eat.

I can’t.

I can’t.

I can’t.

I’m just waiting for the other fish to die.

And it did.

One right after the other. One day after another.

Why is that always my misfortune?

I feel scared to see dead things.

I feel scared I won’t get help fast enough.

I feel nothing.

Why choose to live if I’m just going to die?

Why read this if I’m just going to die?

Why read this if you don’t actually give a fuck anyway?

What’s the point of what you’re doing today?

-Cassandra Alexa

I hope there's an alternate universe where you love me and where you're the one. A place where I'm happy and I don't have to worry and where everything falls into place.

A place where I'm your wife. And I exist away from people who trap me.

I escape to that place sometimes.

I'll be so fucking high, on whatever it is I choose to do, that time as we know it stops or changes. I can walk in the same place for hours, days, years. I never move. This big land area, yet nothing gets bigger or smaller as you get closer or farther away. And nothing gets closer. You haven't even taken a step. Minutes and hours jump every time you turn your head to the clock, yet you sit down to wait for a train and it feels like eternity.

In those times, I feel happiest.

In those times, it's the only time I ever feel happy. The only time I can breathe.

I choose to break myself away from this structured idea of time and reality we live in. I choose to live in The Alternate.

I feel rushes of happy memories that become my present.

If I'm high enough, I can be with you, and I can feel you, and I can feel loved.

If I'm high enough, I can be free.

If I'm high enough, I can see a whole other world.

If I'm high enough, I can be happy.

I hope I create a fork in the road, one where I'm alive and where you come back and be with me, one where I can escape.

I wish I lived in my alternate world. And I wish you were with me there.

-Cassandra Alexa

I felt the floors were unstable and tilted in the opposite direction I stepped, like a see-saw. It was moving within itself like I could feel the plate tectonics. I floated around in the stars as an angel sang to me. I was the princess of that universe. I danced all my moves out of my system, with pure energy, effort, and joy. I felt so beautiful as I walked the runway with my music engulfing me in the party of a fashion show. My hangers moved as if someone had hit them. My chair and table grabbed me, trying to keep me in my room. I opened my door and the floor was moving. The walls of my apartment and everything inside them were shifting around like a rubrics cube. I began to see layers upon layers of worlds, multiverses, and alternate realities of my world for the rest of the night. I could see myself like I was starring in a movie about my life. I saw myself in the other worlds. I did different things there. Things happened differently in different worlds and the same in others. I walked the hallways for eternity and never moved. I was standing in the same spot. Everything was the same. I kept crashing into the walls as they turned. If I touched the wall, my hand would sink into it. I would sink inside the wall and my legs started to melt, then all at once, my whole body melted into the ground. Someone peaked around the corners and doors and walked around. I saw clear lines forming figures sticking out all over the walls; some were lower, some were higher, some were closer, some were far apart. I couldn't tell what some were. I saw a plaid skirt. I saw a mannequin. I saw a woman's naked body. All in one. I saw diamond bead curtains hanging all over the hallway. I was in a store. I was walking through an aisle of a smoke shop or a local grocery store. I could fly. I flew everywhere. I was floating. I felt wind. I heard boats. Every picture looks blurry or rippling in a kaleidoscope way. Every light looked brighter and had colors streaming off of it. I could reach inside the stove. I could reach inside the wall. I saw swirling colors in the patterns. Time existed in the past, present, and future, all at once. Yet, time didn't exist at all. It just was and is. I saw so many galaxies, planets, and stars, and many that were exploding. They floated at the ceiling and they were in front of me too. They were also in the palm of my hands. My palms swirled and my hand moved in waves and twisted and got smaller and longer. My hand looks like a flesh kaleidoscope. There were patterns in my hand and on the floor and in the walls and in the ceiling that all moved like a kaleidoscope and waved. Some of them were in bright colors. I saw colorful dots floating around. I saw two of the same roommate. One of her was on the computer and the other one was doing the dishes. I couldn't feel myself eating or drinking. It started off as genuine happiness and excitement then quickly became terrifying. Sound was distorted. Everything sounded like a chopped and screwed voice or a robot or an alien or something deteriorating, or sounded electronic or high or low or fast or slow, or was in tounges or not making sense or was very loud or quiet or silent or in a crazy or evil voice. Sometimes things were added or subtracted or changed from what people were saying. Everything I heard or said echoed and echoed and echoed and overlapped all the other things echoing. It's my birthday, isn't it? Someone was knocking on the door. There was no one there. Again and again and again. I heard doors opening and shutting all night. I heard people calling my name and calling me to them or to go to wherever they were or to open the door for them. I heard sirens, a tornado warning, police, firetrucks, fire alarms, smoke detectors, horns, bells. There was an emergency going on and I was in trouble and everyone was coming to get me to get out of here. And the sound never stopped. It was extremely loud. It wouldn't stop. Everything was overlapped. The things I saw wouldn't stop either. I saw rats running across the floor. There were people watching me in the bathroom. My eyes were in pain, I could feel and see the dilation was huge. I had no control over my mind or actions and I felt afraid. There was a weird nasty taste on my tongue. I saw sparkles. I saw snowflakes and a winter wonderland. I gradually started seeing more and more people. They were everywhere. They were walking around. They were grabbing me and pulling me (off my bed too) and calling me and screaming at me and clawing at me and touching me inappropriately. I felt sad and I felt water on my face, so I thought I was crying, even if I wasn't. I cried these diamonds that were liquid globs. I had water all over my body and clothes. I looked in the mirror. I was pregnant with the Antichrist; it was kicking and moving around. I looked pretty sometimes and other times I didn't. I saw deeper worlds in screens inside of mirrors and mirrors inside of screens running for eternity. I heard scary whispers in the hallway. I could hear every sound that exists and doesn't exist in every multiverse all at once. I heard the amazon, and the city, and animals, and voices, and thuds and bells and bangs and yells and explosions and doors and footsteps and everything. I saw a rainbow that swirled from time to time. I saw skeleton paper snowflakes kaleidoscoping in the ceiling. Everything was dripping in colorful goo and water. I saw my childhood and I saw myself in the present and I saw myself as an old lady. I saw bugs crawling on my bed and on my window. Maggots and worms. I could hear things and see things and people inside of people's rooms who were on the other end of the phone. I was having false memories and truths. My pillow has a heartbeat. I heard people saying mean things to me. All of my rapists and harassers came into the room and raped me. I writhed around, gasping for air and pushing something off of me and trying to pull my legs away from them and my back away from my bed, yelling for help. My bed and sheets and wall were eating me. There was someone in my covers and outside of my covers pulling my legs and clawing into me. My body turned around and I had several distorted demonic hands and feet with claws that I dug into myself with. There was blood on my wrists and cuts on my legs too. I yelled for help for hours and no one heard me. Is someone here to help me? I saw A$AP Rocky! I was so excited! I'm so in love with him and here he is! What's that noise? Bing! Bing! Bing! Bing! Chandler Bing! Chandler Bing walked into my room. Then Joey, then Phoebe, then Rachel, then Monica, then Ross. Why is the cast of Friends in my room? I saw a teddy bear that kept changing. I was in Santa's Workshop. I saw elves. I closed my eyes and I was in a video game. I was in a racing game in the dark and there were lines and lights and candy falling. I heard lasers shooting in the video game. I was in Looney Land. I was at Six Flags. I saw plants and trees and flowers in my room. I saw the same man outside walking up and down each street at the same time all night. Water was filling up my room. People stood over me while I slept and watched me and called me. I saw several of my roommates and several other people and they were trying to get me. I was hot. I saw him. I laid on his chest while he held me again and he kissed me. But he wasn't answering me when I talked to him. I was scared. I was terrified. Is he okay? Is he safe? What's wrong with him? Why isn't he answering? Someone told me that wasn't the real him and I couldn't believe it. Because I remember feeling the same things with him in real life. I thought everyone was hurt and being watched. Everyone, even in the other buildings, was staring at me and looking at me. I saw I was in the hospital again. I saw death. I saw Saw in my lights. I saw pretty colors stretch off of my lights. I saw pixie dust. I had wings and a mermaid tail. I saw the ring girl. I saw horror movie characters. I saw a blue smoke everywhere and I smelled smoke. I felt like I was suffocating and my heart hurt and was racing. I cried. I was panicked about being in trouble. People were mad at me and yelling at me. People screamed in horror. I could hear the cries from hell. Someone needed help. It's a trap; don't trust them. I felt nauseous. I felt so sad and alone. I was overwhelmed. I felt ashamed. I was terrified to be alone. I couldn't tell what was real. There were patterns on my window and walls. There was a spider on my wall. There were holes in the wall. I thought it would never end. I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't and who I should believe. I needed to use the bathroom, but I didn't know how to get out. I looked in one direction and saw somewhere else. I could hear someone coming. I saw that I threw up everywhere and I gasped and yelled for help. I didn't actually throw up I guess. My music sounded crazy. The beats were going crazy. "House of Balloons/ Glass Table Girls" kept playing over and over and over. My door and everything in my apartment was bent. I heard the wind chimes that used to be on my grandpa's porch. He knows I haven't been praying for his soul lately. He's coming to get me. I'm underneath the computer table from my childhood. Everything was so loud. What if I accidentally take all my Tylenol pills? My mouth and lips felt dry. I saw myself without clothes even though my clothes were on. I could reach inside my chest into my body. I could see the bones and meat in my hand. My veins were moving and big chunks of something, maybe rocks, were stuck in them and were also moving through my veins. Someone laughed evilly in a chopped and screwed voice. My feet were burning. I was having an anxiety attack. I thought I was going to be insane or die. I was afraid because I didn't know what was real and if it was going to end and if I was in trouble. I was alone and they were trying to get me. My shirt is filling up with air. I felt my body was much fuller and it felt good. I hear glasses breaking. I heard electronic sounds. My head stays in place while my body is twisting around like crazy and moving and breaking and changing. Sometimes my head would spin too. I hear fire trucks and police cars; they're here to arrest me. I hear ambulances.

The next day I was very paranoid. I still heard and saw some things. I was very anxious. I feel hungry, but I can't eat. My head hurts today. My eyes hurt. I hardly slept.

Yesterday my senses were able to do things I shouldn't be able to do. I believe now that it is a portal I opened.

-Cassandra Alexa