No one sees all the things I’m thinking about when I lock myself in my room for months and I won’t speak and I just cry and gasp for breath and I think about very dark things; they don’t know all the experience that cuts into my skin.

I’m searching for something deadly. Something close to dying, but not quite death. Snowflakes, magic mushrooms, tea, and pills, anything to make me feel alive and happy, but to also make it seem like I wasn’t trying to take my own life if something goes wrong.

I want to feel the moment I’m living in; I want to leave it behind too.

I’m just out of options. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know who to tell. I just can’t take it.

-Cassandra Alexa

I hope there's an alternate universe where you love me and where you're the one. A place where I'm happy and I don't have to worry and where everything falls into place.

A place where I'm your wife. And I exist away from people who trap me.

I escape to that place sometimes.

I'll be so fucking high, on whatever it is I choose to do, that time as we know it stops or changes. I can walk in the same place for hours, days, years. I never move. This big land area, yet nothing gets bigger or smaller as you get closer or farther away. And nothing gets closer. You haven't even taken a step. Minutes and hours jump every time you turn your head to the clock, yet you sit down to wait for a train and it feels like eternity.

In those times, I feel happiest.

In those times, it's the only time I ever feel happy. The only time I can breathe.

I choose to break myself away from this structured idea of time and reality we live in. I choose to live in The Alternate.

I feel rushes of happy memories that become my present.

If I'm high enough, I can be with you, and I can feel you, and I can feel loved.

If I'm high enough, I can be free.

If I'm high enough, I can see a whole other world.

If I'm high enough, I can be happy.

I hope I create a fork in the road, one where I'm alive and where you come back and be with me, one where I can escape.

I wish I lived in my alternate world. And I wish you were with me there.

-Cassandra Alexa

I felt the floors were unstable and tilted in the opposite direction I stepped, like a see-saw. It was moving within itself like I could feel the plate tectonics. I floated around in the stars as an angel sang to me. I was the princess of that universe. I danced all my moves out of my system, with pure energy, effort, and joy. I felt so beautiful as I walked the runway with my music engulfing me in the party of a fashion show. My hangers moved as if someone had hit them. My chair and table grabbed me, trying to keep me in my room. I opened my door and the floor was moving. The walls of my apartment and everything inside them were shifting around like a rubrics cube. I began to see layers upon layers of worlds, multiverses, and alternate realities of my world for the rest of the night. I could see myself like I was starring in a movie about my life. I saw myself in the other worlds. I did different things there. Things happened differently in different worlds and the same in others. I walked the hallways for eternity and never moved. I was standing in the same spot. Everything was the same. I kept crashing into the walls as they turned. If I touched the wall, my hand would sink into it. I would sink inside the wall and my legs started to melt, then all at once, my whole body melted into the ground. Someone peaked around the corners and doors and walked around. I saw clear lines forming figures sticking out all over the walls; some were lower, some were higher, some were closer, some were far apart. I couldn't tell what some were. I saw a plaid skirt. I saw a mannequin. I saw a woman's naked body. All in one. I saw diamond bead curtains hanging all over the hallway. I was in a store. I was walking through an aisle of a smoke shop or a local grocery store. I could fly. I flew everywhere. I was floating. I felt wind. I heard boats. Every picture looks blurry or rippling in a kaleidoscope way. Every light looked brighter and had colors streaming off of it. I could reach inside the stove. I could reach inside the wall. I saw swirling colors in the patterns. Time existed in the past, present, and future, all at once. Yet, time didn't exist at all. It just was and is. I saw so many galaxies, planets, and stars, and many that were exploding. They floated at the ceiling and they were in front of me too. They were also in the palm of my hands. My palms swirled and my hand moved in waves and twisted and got smaller and longer. My hand looks like a flesh kaleidoscope. There were patterns in my hand and on the floor and in the walls and in the ceiling that all moved like a kaleidoscope and waved. Some of them were in bright colors. I saw colorful dots floating around. I saw two of the same roommate. One of her was on the computer and the other one was doing the dishes. I couldn't feel myself eating or drinking. It started off as genuine happiness and excitement then quickly became terrifying. Sound was distorted. Everything sounded like a chopped and screwed voice or a robot or an alien or something deteriorating, or sounded electronic or high or low or fast or slow, or was in tounges or not making sense or was very loud or quiet or silent or in a crazy or evil voice. Sometimes things were added or subtracted or changed from what people were saying. Everything I heard or said echoed and echoed and echoed and overlapped all the other things echoing. It's my birthday, isn't it? Someone was knocking on the door. There was no one there. Again and again and again. I heard doors opening and shutting all night. I heard people calling my name and calling me to them or to go to wherever they were or to open the door for them. I heard sirens, a tornado warning, police, firetrucks, fire alarms, smoke detectors, horns, bells. There was an emergency going on and I was in trouble and everyone was coming to get me to get out of here. And the sound never stopped. It was extremely loud. It wouldn't stop. Everything was overlapped. The things I saw wouldn't stop either. I saw rats running across the floor. There were people watching me in the bathroom. My eyes were in pain, I could feel and see the dilation was huge. I had no control over my mind or actions and I felt afraid. There was a weird nasty taste on my tongue. I saw sparkles. I saw snowflakes and a winter wonderland. I gradually started seeing more and more people. They were everywhere. They were walking around. They were grabbing me and pulling me (off my bed too) and calling me and screaming at me and clawing at me and touching me inappropriately. I felt sad and I felt water on my face, so I thought I was crying, even if I wasn't. I cried these diamonds that were liquid globs. I had water all over my body and clothes. I looked in the mirror. I was pregnant with the Antichrist; it was kicking and moving around. I looked pretty sometimes and other times I didn't. I saw deeper worlds in screens inside of mirrors and mirrors inside of screens running for eternity. I heard scary whispers in the hallway. I could hear every sound that exists and doesn't exist in every multiverse all at once. I heard the amazon, and the city, and animals, and voices, and thuds and bells and bangs and yells and explosions and doors and footsteps and everything. I saw a rainbow that swirled from time to time. I saw skeleton paper snowflakes kaleidoscoping in the ceiling. Everything was dripping in colorful goo and water. I saw my childhood and I saw myself in the present and I saw myself as an old lady. I saw bugs crawling on my bed and on my window. Maggots and worms. I could hear things and see things and people inside of people's rooms who were on the other end of the phone. I was having false memories and truths. My pillow has a heartbeat. I heard people saying mean things to me. All of my rapists and harassers came into the room and raped me. I writhed around, gasping for air and pushing something off of me and trying to pull my legs away from them and my back away from my bed, yelling for help. My bed and sheets and wall were eating me. There was someone in my covers and outside of my covers pulling my legs and clawing into me. My body turned around and I had several distorted demonic hands and feet with claws that I dug into myself with. There was blood on my wrists and cuts on my legs too. I yelled for help for hours and no one heard me. Is someone here to help me? I saw A$AP Rocky! I was so excited! I'm so in love with him and here he is! What's that noise? Bing! Bing! Bing! Bing! Chandler Bing! Chandler Bing walked into my room. Then Joey, then Phoebe, then Rachel, then Monica, then Ross. Why is the cast of Friends in my room? I saw a teddy bear that kept changing. I was in Santa's Workshop. I saw elves. I closed my eyes and I was in a video game. I was in a racing game in the dark and there were lines and lights and candy falling. I heard lasers shooting in the video game. I was in Looney Land. I was at Six Flags. I saw plants and trees and flowers in my room. I saw the same man outside walking up and down each street at the same time all night. Water was filling up my room. People stood over me while I slept and watched me and called me. I saw several of my roommates and several other people and they were trying to get me. I was hot. I saw him. I laid on his chest while he held me again and he kissed me. But he wasn't answering me when I talked to him. I was scared. I was terrified. Is he okay? Is he safe? What's wrong with him? Why isn't he answering? Someone told me that wasn't the real him and I couldn't believe it. Because I remember feeling the same things with him in real life. I thought everyone was hurt and being watched. Everyone, even in the other buildings, was staring at me and looking at me. I saw I was in the hospital again. I saw death. I saw Saw in my lights. I saw pretty colors stretch off of my lights. I saw pixie dust. I had wings and a mermaid tail. I saw the ring girl. I saw horror movie characters. I saw a blue smoke everywhere and I smelled smoke. I felt like I was suffocating and my heart hurt and was racing. I cried. I was panicked about being in trouble. People were mad at me and yelling at me. People screamed in horror. I could hear the cries from hell. Someone needed help. It's a trap; don't trust them. I felt nauseous. I felt so sad and alone. I was overwhelmed. I felt ashamed. I was terrified to be alone. I couldn't tell what was real. There were patterns on my window and walls. There was a spider on my wall. There were holes in the wall. I thought it would never end. I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't and who I should believe. I needed to use the bathroom, but I didn't know how to get out. I looked in one direction and saw somewhere else. I could hear someone coming. I saw that I threw up everywhere and I gasped and yelled for help. I didn't actually throw up I guess. My music sounded crazy. The beats were going crazy. "House of Balloons/ Glass Table Girls" kept playing over and over and over. My door and everything in my apartment was bent. I heard the wind chimes that used to be on my grandpa's porch. He knows I haven't been praying for his soul lately. He's coming to get me. I'm underneath the computer table from my childhood. Everything was so loud. What if I accidentally take all my Tylenol pills? My mouth and lips felt dry. I saw myself without clothes even though my clothes were on. I could reach inside my chest into my body. I could see the bones and meat in my hand. My veins were moving and big chunks of something, maybe rocks, were stuck in them and were also moving through my veins. Someone laughed evilly in a chopped and screwed voice. My feet were burning. I was having an anxiety attack. I thought I was going to be insane or die. I was afraid because I didn't know what was real and if it was going to end and if I was in trouble. I was alone and they were trying to get me. My shirt is filling up with air. I felt my body was much fuller and it felt good. I hear glasses breaking. I heard electronic sounds. My head stays in place while my body is twisting around like crazy and moving and breaking and changing. Sometimes my head would spin too. I hear fire trucks and police cars; they're here to arrest me. I hear ambulances.

The next day I was very paranoid. I still heard and saw some things. I was very anxious. I feel hungry, but I can't eat. My head hurts today. My eyes hurt. I hardly slept.

Yesterday my senses were able to do things I shouldn't be able to do. I believe now that it is a portal I opened.

-Cassandra Alexa