(Don't read this if you're scared to die.)

I am deathly terrified of death.

It's my biggest fear. Of course, most people fear death. But I don't mean I just have that normal fear of death, I mean I have an insanely strong phobia of death.

It absolutely terrifies me.

I have panic attacks every night thinking about it.

I have panic attacks and cry on planes.

While learning to drive I feel so stressed. I feel stressed just being in a car.

I can't talk about it.

I can't hear about it.

I can't see anything about it.

When someone dies, even someone I don't know like a celebrity or someone on the news, I think about that death for like a month. I think about that person every time another person dies the same way.

I think about these people and situations with every move I make.

I won't go on rollercoasters or do anything involving height or speed or danger.

I think about death all day long.

Especially at night.

It terrifies me to think that one day I won't be alive. It terries me to think I'll be dead. It terrifies me to think of being in a casket. It terries me to think of being in the dirt with bugs eating me and my body being no more. (I also have a huge fear of bugs/animals and dirtiness and, you know, having my flesh eaten away and no longer existing.) It terries me to think of my soul leaving my body and not being able to reenter life. Will I see my body when I die? What happens? Where do I go? It terries me thinking about how I could die or when. It terries me to think of the possibility that I won't get to do everything I want in this life or live a long full life. It terrifies me to think about the end of the world. To know that I'll have to experience this (unknown) process of death terries me. It terrifies me thinking about my family or friends or peers or other people I know or favorite celebrities dying.

When Robin Williams, my favorite actor, died I was depressed about his death for months. I still get sad.

When kids at my high school that I knew died, I was depressed about it the whole year. I still think about them all the time.

I wouldn't even let myself process when my Grandpa Raul died or when any other family member died.

I don't sleep because I'm afraid of dying in my sleep. I have nightmares about death every time I have a nightmare (which happens pretty often when you have depression).

Even as a child I couldn't wrap my head around death in that basic kid mentality: something happens and a person just stops. I couldn't process it or think about it or accept it. I was terrified and thought about it constantly. I've always had an obsession with the very thing I don't like to think about.

And it's not only death itself I fear. I also fear the afterlife. And I don't just mean hell. I fear Heaven too. (I must be the only person that is terrified of Heaven.)

Sometimes I fear nothing will be after this life.

How do you just not exist? How are you just nothingness?

What is hell? What is purgatory? What is Heaven?

Is Heaven just church that never ends, reciting the bible and singing praise non-stop for all of eternity and you can't escape?

Will I not be able to be myself? Will my desire and will and thoughts and personality and experiences and love and sexuality and individuality and mind be burned out of me in purgatory? Will I forever be a polished puppet? If I can't be myself on earth and then I can't be myself in Heaven, does that mean I just can't ever be me because it's not right?

How can it never end?

Would I even be able to make it into Heaven? EVERYTHING sends you to hell apparently. How is there any hope for any of us?

How bad is hell? You really can't make a change and earn Heaven once you're in hell?

What about atheists or people who don't believe in the same God or things that Catholics do? What about them? That doesn't sound fair.

Is there anyone out there as terrified as I am?

My fear of death was what kept me from going through with it that night.

Maybe God let me have this fear of death to protect me from myself. Maybe I have a purpose on this earth.

I don't know, but I treat everyone like it's the last day I'll see them every time I see them: with much love. That's the only good thing that comes out of my fear.

-Cassandra Alexa

I feel disgusting........

Why do I keep doing this?

What's wrong with me?

-Cassandra Alexa

I've always struggled to feel close to God and my faith.

But I knew it was Him that saved me that night. I knew it was Him who sent me my good doctor. I knew it was Him who kept me safe when I was scared to go under anesthesia. I knew it was Him who made sure the procedure cured me.

I had a teddy bear next to me after the procedure.

I think it was a gift from God to remind me that even if I don't feel like it sometimes, He does love me and is there for me. I saw it as something to comfort me and act as a friend.

They rolled me down to the room where they do procedures and I woke up and I was fine. I even got a popsicle and stickers too.

I was coming off anesthesia afterward so I was kind of high I guess.

I was smiling and crying because everything I saw, I loved. I was so happy to be alive. That's the first time I ever felt like that. That was the first time in a long time I felt close to God and I felt happy. It was the first time I felt close to my mom.

I was just so grateful and happy. I spent the whole night smiling and crying and thinking about how happy I felt and everything I was grateful for, and how close I felt to God that night. I was so excited to go home. I actually felt His love.

I'm trying to figure out how to always feel like that.

But that was one of my happiest moments.

-Cassandra Alexa