The Return of the Giant Rat of Sumatra: Part 5

The following work is reprinted with permission from:

Young Dullard Ashamedly Presents:

THE RETURN OF THE GIANT RAT OF SUMATRA (Part V)

by Charles Garofalo

Synopsis: In our last episode, a six ay battle broke out between

Young Dullard, valiant Arthian Champion of Justice, etc,, etc, ad nausum,

who is the current protector of the Thessalapian Jade (a stataue housing a

prodigious quantity of mystic power); Hubba-the-Rat, alias May Daye,

the shape changing giant rat of our title, who entrusted him with the Jade in

the first place and now wants to steal it back; the Atlantean Goddess

Athrozetz, who wants Young Dullard to destroy the Jade so as to open a

portal between her dimension and the Earth and who materialized to stop the

Rat from stealing the Jade; Erus, Athrozetz's jealous monster boyfriend, out

to get Young Dullard, four agents of the Interplanetary Confederation for

Criminal Investigation, after Hubba; and Calvin Quincey Welk, who was in there

washing his jogging suit and got caught right in the middle. Following the

battle which spilled out into the street, accidentally involving the venerable

Frau Sprodenknotchen, a Nazi expatriate who fled to the New World with a small

Reich treasure hoard and her pussycat, before it ended with Young Dullard

escaping with what he thinks is the Jade, Hubba trying to stop him and elude

the ICCIs and Athrozetz, and Welk being transformed by Athrozetz into a

large Labrador Duck ...

"Gracious," remarked May Daye to a policeman. "What in Heaven's name happened here?"

She knew perfectly well what had happened at and around the laundry last night, but thought it best to play ignorant.

The officer turned to make an angry remark, saw May was an exceptionally beautiful young lady with long blonde hair and melting blue eyes, and decided that in this case a little politeness would not hurt.

"A riot here last night, Ma'am," he explained. "We got all sorts 'a crazy reports. Nine foot rats, monsters from outer space, a maniac with a bag over his head, witches, monsters with ray guns .. you name it, they reported it."

"This town gets weirder every day," said May sympathetically, secure in the knowledge that the human shape she'd adopted bore little resemblance to her true giant rat form.

"Does anybody know which way they're supposed to have gone?" asked May. "So I'll be able to avoid them monsters or whatever it was."

"Hell, lady, as far as I can make out, there was at least eight different people involved, and they all shot off in different directions. They're all over the city by now."

"Ack-ack-ack-ack-ack," complained a large black and white duck that was perched on top of a lamppost.

"Where'd he come from?" asked May.

"I don't know. He was there this morning."

"Ack-ack-ack-ack-ack."

"Talkative sort. Wonder who he belongs to?" mused the cop.

"How about the zoo? They lost a rhinoceros, didn't they?" asked May. "So they could easily lose a duck. Or perhaps he escaped the meat market."

"ACK!"

"I think he knows what you're talking about. Hey, what am I doin' here talkin' with you and a duck. I gotta get my report in."

"Ack-ack-ack," called the duck mournfully after the departing policeman.

"Bootsie? Oh, Bootsie!" came an old cracked voice behind the pair.

May/Hubba turned to see an old, bespectacled woman in a nightgown clutching a suitcase and searching the pavement for something.

"Looking for something?" asked May.

The old woman, realizing someone was talking to her, instinctively clutched the suitcase to her bosom and tried to conceal it, as if it contained a stolen fortune.

"Looking? Ach ... ja, for mine pussy-kitten, she ran off der last night. Find her I can't, nein, nein. Say, perhaps you've see a medium sized black und white kitten runnink aroundt here, have you?"

"Sorry, can't say that I have."

"Ack," said the duck, and pointed down the street with one wing.

"She went dot way. Dank you, sir, und Gezundheight. I gehoopen you vin your next basketball game."

With that she bade the girl and the duck on the lamppost adieu and pursued her cat.

"Ack!"

"Ack yourself. I've got to go catch that oversized dingbat before he busts the Quarard Stone."

"Ack"

"I need the stone to fuel my spaceship so I can escape the ICCIs. Athrozetz wants it shattered so it can blow open a dimensional portal whole ... go read the synopsis, Calvin. That's what it's there for."

* * * * *

Ceasar Woof washed down his breakfast of a dozen scrambled eggs with chives and mushrooms, homemade corn muffins, bacon, imported Scotch oatmeal, fried spam, and half a cantaloupe with his third bottle of beer for that morning, heaved a contented belch that registered on the Museum of Natural History's seismograph, and turned his attention to his other interest ... his private greenhouse stocked with orchids of various varieties, all rare and valuable. He was pleased to see that the Malaphasia Lunaris he'd smuggled out of Tibet, right under the proboscis of an unfriendly Yeti, was beginning to bloom.

The intercom buzzed.

"Infernal device," grumbled Woof. "Have to have it taken down."

"What is it, Archie?" he asked into the intercom.

Out of the intercom came the voice of Archie Goodlosse, Woof's right hand man, personal bodyguard, and self-appointed chronicler, famed for the realistic accounts he wrote up about his and Ceasar's adventures and sold to augment Woof's rather meager salary.

"Guy in the office here wanting to see you. Says he has a case for you. Watch out, boss. I think I've got a real nut-case here."

"Tell him I see people by appointment only. It's one of my regular habits."

There was a five minute pause, then Goodlose spoke over the intercom.

"Now he wants to make an appointment."

Woof sighed and resigned himself to the inevitable.

"Alright, Archie. You might as well send him up right now."

A rather travel worn Young Dullard, his costume wrinkled, the (still intact) jade statuette under his arm, entered the famed detective's conservatory-greenhouse. He seemed impressed by the Great Man, although it's a rare person who isn't impressed by a man almost as wide as he is tall.

"Uhh ... Mr Woof?" he asked uncertainly.

"I am Ceasar Woof," stated the detective, "if that his who you're looking for."

"You're who I'm after, then."

Young Dullard slammed the door behind him. There was a barely audible yelp in a feminine pitch as he did so.

"You're Young Dullard," Woof said simply. "I've seen your picture in the newspapers. Not that I read them much, mind you, but ..."

"I've been told I'm the sort of person people remember. Anyway, I'm here to see you about the statue."

The Great Detective looked skeptically at the ugly jade demon.

"That statue? Looks ... looks ... Japanese, I'd say. What's the matter with it?"

"A girl gave it to me last night, right after I saved her from a giant rat."

"A token of gratitude, no doubt."

"No, she said I had to protect it. Since I've been guarding the statue I've been chased by the rat, a batch of little guys with rayguns, Erus ..."

"Erus?"

"An old enemy of mine. Big guy, horns, gray mask, gray tights ... you know him?"

"I've never had the pleasure."

"Anyway, Ms Daye, that's the statue's owner, says this other lady named Athrozetz wants it broken. She didn't say why."

"An art critic, perhaps. Do you know Athrozetz, by any chance?"

"Yes, she used to be a Goddess, four to five thousand years ago."

"This case is getting involved," said Woof, popping open the cap with a set of brass knuckles a felon had once tried to clobber him with.

"It is. The rat tried to take the statue from me last night ... "

"Wait a minute. Just exactly where did this rodent attack you?"

"In the laundry. I was washing my uniform. You see, I spilled some lemon soda on it in May Daye's apartment."

"And you successfully protected the statue then, I suppose."

"Uhh, yeah."

"And where did Erus attack you?"

"In the laundry."

"In cahoots with the rat?"

"I guess so, I couldn't say for sure."

"And the little men with the ray guns?"

"In the laundry. They were trying to shoot the rat."

Woof choked on his beer.

Holding her almost-broken nose, Athrozetz carefully opened the door and slipped into the greenhouse. Despite its advantages, invisibility had its own distinct drawbacks. At least they hadn't spotted her. She considered taking a seat, but decided against it. The way her luck seemed to be running, she'd probably get sat on.

"Let me get a better look at the piece."

As Young Dullard approached to show Woof the statue, he tripped on a low coffee table. The Jade flew from his hands. Woof neatly southpawed it as it flew by.

"Now why do you suppose all these people want this one little statue?" asked Woof.

"That's why I'm here. To ask you."

"What do you call this piece of sculpture, anyhow?"

"The Thessalapian Jade."

Athrozetz sniffed. There was something in this room that was irrating her eyes and nose. Those flowers. Orchids. Blast. She ws allergic to them. Especially the Malaphasia varieties, which she believed that one to be.

"And those little green men?"

"Not little green men, just little."

"Were they helping you, perhaps? You said they tried to kill the rat."

"They didn't act like it."

"Like they were trying to kill the rat?"

"Like they were trying to help me."

"ACHOO!"

"Gezunheight!" said the Great Detective and the Valiant Arthian simultaneously.

Athrozetz tried to stifle her second sneeze.

"I didn't sneeze," said Young Dullard.

"I didn't sneeze," said Woof.

They both asked, "Then who?"

Athrozetz slipped towards the door. She was interrupted by a third sneeze.

"There's someone in the room with us."

"Right."

The pair started to move in on the source of the sneezing.

A diminutive, trench-coated figure, wearing a rocket belt, smashed through the greenhouse roof. It pointed a gun-like weapon at Young Dullard.

"Turn to ice!" ordered Wahshay.

"What?" asked the Arthian, looking at the equally perplexed detective.

Seeing the blank expressions on the pair, the ICCI agent motioned to his fellow operatives to cover the pair while he pulled out his volume of EARTH SLANG. Tucking his pistol under his arm, he flipped through the pages, finally locating the phrase he was looking for.

"Freeze!" the diminuitve agent barked with authority.

The blank expression remained on Dullard who slowly reached into his left boot and retrieved his Arth/English--English/Arth Dictionary. Enlightenment slowly crept in and this hands flew to the air.

"What is the meaning of this incursion!" demanded Woof.

"You are both under arrest as an accomplice to a wanted felon!"

"Who do you represent?" roared Woof. "The FBI, the CIA?"

"The Interplanetary Confederation of Criminal Investigation! Young Dullard, I arrest you as per the articles f2334-0-WZ6K, Grizanthian Court ruling, circa 3457 after starflight."

"And this is evidence," said Farrahday, grabbing the jade statue.

"D' Jade!" croaked Athrozetz through her sniffles. "You'll get that over your own dead body! Magig lighnig ... ACHOOO!"

A bolt of magic lightning flashed from her fingertips, but due to Athrozetz's sneeze blew a large hole in the ceiling instead of Farrahday.

"The statue!" yelled the Arthian Avenger remembering the words of May Daye -- "Don't let anything happen to it. It's vital that the thing remain undamaged."

With all eyes searching for the source of the magic lightning bolts and sneezes, Ceasar Woof made his move. In one fluid movemnet, he snatched it from Farrahday and hurled it to Young Dullard.

A sneeze deflected Athrozetz's second spell from Wahshday, turning instead a bust of Plato into the bust of a magnum bullfrog.

A shot deflected off Young Dullard and burned a hole in the floor at Woof's feet. The Great Detective decided to beat a strategic retreat. He burst through the door and crashed face first into Erus, knocking the demon to the floor. Erus bellowed and rose brandishing a battleaxe. Before he could reach anybody, Goodlose, who had not relished the villain pushing by him at his office, whipped him around and socked him right in the jaw. Erus fell flat on his back again. This time he didn't get up.

"That damned plant!" screamed Athrozetz. "Ice ...ACHOO!"

The bolt of ice just missed the orchid and slightly frostbit Badday. The remaining ICCIs began blasting away in the general direction of the sneezes. None connected.

Young Dullard leaped through the window, fell three stories, and landed unhurt on his feet, missing a pedestrian by millimeters. He raced for the downtown district, Thessalapian Jade tucked under his arm.

"After him, men!" roared Wahshday.

"And women!" yelled Farrahday.

They rocketed out after the fleeing Arthian, colliding with only a few lampposts and one tall policeman.

As Erus picked himself up, some invisible force jerked him to his feet. He stumbled backwards out of the room as if someone were pulling him by the ear.

"Cripes! What a mess!" groaned Goodlose.

"Yes, but at least they didn't get my Malaphasia," said Woof. If the flower hadn't been so delicate, he would have picked it up and cradled it in his arms.

"Ack-ack-ack-ack-ack," said a strange black and white duck perched on the window sill.

TO BE CONTINUED.