The following work is reprinted with permission from:
YOUNG DULLARD Volume 1 Number 5 Copyright 1981 Philip J. De Parto
Young Dullard Ashamedly Presents:
THE RETURN OF THE GIANT RAT OF SUMATRA (Part II)
by Charles Garofalo
Synopsis: When we last left our (if not your) hero
he had just crashed through a china shop and was
attempting to rescue a streetwalker, eh, fair damsel
from a nine-foot tall rat. The confrontation is being
observed via magical viewscreen by a very odd trio ...
Nergon shook his head as much as his overly thick neck would allow, in disbelief as the looming ratlike monster appeared on the screen.
"That can't possibly be who I think it is," he muttered incredulously.
"Depends on who you think it is," Erus grumbled absently, trying to stuff a cigarette through the fanged maw of his bronze mask. "A relative of yours?"
"Actually, gentlemen," Athrozetz interrupted, "that is an extraterrestrial of my acquaintance, bearing the interesting cognomen of Hubba-the-Rat."
"Oh, him," remarked Erus casually. "Thought the critter looked familiar." Actually he had never even heard of Hubba-the-Rat until Athrozetz mentioned the name.
"But Hubba-the-Rat was killed nearly a century ago!" protested Nergon. "I heard it from a reliable diabolous. She was drowned when the British police dynamited the ship she was on."
"That is what most people believed at the time. Actually, Hubba deserted the ship when it started to sink. She made it to the shore by hanging onto the coattails of her partner, Moriarty."
"You're telling me that a man swam to safety carrying a nine hundred pound rat?" snorted Erus in disbelief.
"Professor Moriarty was a first rate swimmer," replied Nergon. "I understand that he even swam the Reichenbach Falls in his earlier career.
"Be that as it may, Moriarty's old foe tracked him down and destroyed him for good shortly afterwards," continued Astrozetz. "Hubba then disguised herself as a human and got back to Sumatra by pretending to be a missionary going there to elevate the natives. Once she got there, she used a suspended animation chamber to sleep until the game was no longer afoot, or even, ahand."
"How'd you get her to work for you?" asked Nergon. "The Rat's supposedly a servant only to her own selfish nature."
"I promised to repair her ship so she can leave this 'tiresome ball of rock' as she so charmingly calls it."
"I didn't know that you could fix spaceships," remarked Erus.
"I can't. Still I don't think we have much to fear from the likes of Hubba."
"Why do you want the Rat fighting the imbecile in tights, anyhow?" the demonlord pressed on.
"Come, now, I must have some secrets," Athrozetz pouted, not wishing her servant and confederate to know the sketchiness and shakiness of her plans.
* * * * *
Back in the mundane sphere, Young Dullard was having his little problems, too, not the least of which was the rat.
It was easy for him to be brave in the face of little things like gangsters or hoodlums or tornadoes or rampaging meter maids. It was another thing to keep his cool in the face of a huge rat with a quivering pink nose, saliva running down its fangs, and a mean look in its beady little red eyes. He hadn't expected anything like this on his nightly patrol.
In fact, Young Dullard never really expected anything on his nightly patrol, being mentally equipped to cope with situations when they were right in front of him, rather than potential. And he was none-too-equipped to handle them then, either.
With a horrid chittering war-squeak, the rat charged.
Young Dullard's reaction was instantaneous. With a deft twist, he averted his face from the threatening monster, covering his eyes with his left hand so that there was no change of him having to see it anymore. His right hand flailed beore him in the basic direction of the rat, swinging in a wild arc.
As luck would have it, his backhand connected to something solid, something that felt soft and hairy even through his regulation superhero glove. He heard a squeal of pain and the loud crash of a flying body smashing through a plank fence. Then came the sound of scampering paws retreating away from him.
Young Dullard, however, did not dare to look to see what effect his blow had. He was too busy trying to prevent (with every bit of his none-too-considerable will power) an involuntary reaction to the giant rat that would have proved highly embarrassing. And ruin a good pair of pants.
* * * * *
"The oaf's strength is impressive, even if nought else about him is," commented Nergon.
"Yes, I told Hubba to deliberately lose, but not so quickly," muttered Athrozetz sulkily. "I hope that shot didn't knock the rest of the plan out of her devious little rat mind."
Nergon, distracted a brief moment for the screen, noticed a conspicuous absence from the room.
"Where'd Erus go?" he asked.
"How should I know?" retorted Athrozetz. "We'll hear from him soon enough, no doubt. Fortunately, there's no way he can get at Young Dullard. I know the way he hates the lug, but if he louses up my schemes to leave this dimension--"
"Your ladyship," broke in Nergon in a quavering voice.
"What now?"
"I know that Your Ladyship and my humble self are trapped in this place. But Erus? What do we really know of him? We found him floating about the void unconscious, with a lot of broken spells and fragments of powerful cantrips floating about him. He immediately developed an-uh-attraction to you and swore to help you escape. It seems he can't get us out, but perhaps for a brief time, he can leave himself."
"And if he got jealous enough of Young Dullard, he might go to slay him? Nonsense," scoffed Athrozetz. "Erus isn't that subtle, he couldn't have concealed that power from me. He's right here in ... "
Athrozetz's voice suddenly rose to a shout. "Well, what are you standing around for? Go look for him! Make sure!"
* * * * *
Having successfully thwarted his rebellious intestines in their underhanded attempt to discredit him, Young Dullard straightened up and looked around. The door of the china shop lay where he had left it, off its hinges. The rat was gone, a hole in the plank fence to mark his passing. The girl appeared to have fled, too.
Young Dullard scanned the ally for signs of the woman. She needed help, after all. She must be frightened out of her wits, panicked, even --
A hand suddenly was laid gently on his shoulder. With a high squeak of terror, the Arthian avenger shot nearly ten feet up in the air. He crashed to the ground, and turned to confront the startled girl.
"Watch it!" he exclaimed. "Don't you know that I'm a superhero? With hair trigger reflexes? I might have thought you were an enemy of mine and done you grievous bodily harm!"
His heart wasn't in the lecture, however, as he took in the young woman's beauty. She was a tall, statuesque blonde with a perfect heart-shaped face framed by billowing golden curls. Wide blue eyes stared into his.
- - - - - - - - -
Aside to readers: A heart-shaped face in this kind of trash fiction means perfect features, wow, oboy, movie-star material. It isn't literally heart-shaped. -- Chuck
- - - - - - - - -
"I just wanted to ... thank you," the beauty said haltingly. Then she collapsed into the stunned do-gooder's arms, apparently fainting.
Young Dullard stood nonplussed. What was he to do with a fainting woman? Though it was foggy, it hadn't rained recently, so he couldn't splash water from some puddle on her. He didn't carry smelling salts on him, not since some rude person had kicked him on the subway, breaking the bottle and subjecting the whole car full of people to the aroma of concentrated camphor. He was hesitant to slap or shake her, for even he realized that he was strong enough to break bones and knock out teeth while trying to be helpful.
Fortunately, before he could come up with any plan and put it into effect, the girl began to stir.
"The rat," she groaned, "she said she'd send the rat for me if I didn't ..."
"Huh?" broke in Young Dullard. "What didn't you do? And who's 'she'?"
The voice brought the woman back to a semblance of her senses.
"Oh! Who are you?"
"Young Dullard. I suppose you've read about me in the papers?"
"Yes, but don't worry, I don't believe a word of it. The CORNET'S always printing things like that about people. Oh, by the way, thank you for scaring off the rat."
"What's this business with 'her' and the rat?"
"I'd best start at the beginning. It's a strange story, but if anybody would believe it you would ..."
The woman suddenly got ahold of herself.
"I mean, you saw the rat, and as a hero, you're used to such things."
"Anyway, my name's May Daye, professional antique collector. I buy old pieces of furniture, bric-a-brac and junk like that and sell them to collectors. It's not the best job in the world, but it's a living."
"I came upon a real find three weeks ago. A genuine Thessalapian jade sculpture. The owner thought it was just an ugly stone statuette and sold it to me for five bucks"
"That seemed alright, but since then this strange woman has kept appearing in my dreams threatening me unless I destroy the statue. She said something about the thing being a repository of etherial energy, or some such garbage like that, and that breaking it would open some sort of gate. Anyhow, I refused. The thing's valuable and there's no telling who or what would come if the 'gate' as she puts it, opened."
"So this weird dame started saying that if I didn't do as she said, she'd send the rat after me. I didn't understand what she meant then, but, boy, did I find out."
Young Dullard maintained silence through the story, simply because he could not think of anything to say. Finally a random thought struck him (subsequently causing a slight headache).
"What did this woman in your dreams look like?"
"Oh, she was weird. She was a looker, I suppose, real fair skin and black hair, but she was wearing this far-out dress with lace spiders and flounced whatsis all over it. And she was a big woman--about as tall as I am, slimmer, though."
Young Dullard wracked his brains trying to remember if he had run across anybody of that description. Unfortunately, his encounter with Athrozetz was too far back in the past (nearly two months) for him to recall all that quickly.
"Well, I can't be sure, but I think that it would do nobody any good for you to break that statue. Nobody good any good, I mean. This strange woman might get something out of it, but I don't think it would be so great for the rest of the world. Could she be a witch, I wonder?"
May Daye began to grow frantic.
"I can't spend the rest of my life guarding that f-------- piece of jade to make sure no one busts it! It's getting me down to have a thing like that around. Besides, if that witch or whoever has any sense at all, she'll be sending burglars after it next. I can just see it now, some ugly little guy with hairy feet crawling in the window and swiping it one night."
"No, I wasn't suggesting that you keep it," interrupted Young Dullard. "I mean having someone capable of handling emergencies around. I'm pretty good at taking care of burglars and rats and things. I could keep things from happening to the gew-gaw until we figure out what to do with it."
"Would you? Oh, I mean of course you would, that's your business, protecting things. You gotta come to my place right away. I want that thing in safe hands."
Young Dullard gulped.
"What? Me? Visit a lady's apartment this late? People will talk!"
"Come on, what would you rather have? A few people talking or a ravening witch loose in the streets? She might be sending a burglar this very minute."
"Alright, you convinced me. I'll risk it. Which way to your place?"
"Just follow me."
"And say--"
"Yes."
"What was that bit about a little guy with hairy feet? I don't get it."
"Don't worry, you will. I'll explain at my place."
Leading the befuddled Arthian by the hand, Hubba headed for the prearranged meeting place. By the gods, this human form was so uncomfortable! So constricting. And so ugly compared to her natural rat form.
Still, the plan was working. Taking a shape similar to the human female she had frightened (who had fled just as the battle started), Hubba had deluded the big (now that she'd reduced herself in size) ape into following her. Soon he would take the Thessalapian Jade into his protection.
She hadn't lied about the Jade's properties to him. She just omitted the fact that a diamond saw would not have scratched the figurine, a sledge hammer couldn't chip it, a laser would not have hurt it. But considering the disasters this guy was capable of, he might certainly well be able to destroy the statuette in minutes.
Athrozetz had chosen well, she conceded. She was more than just the snooty, overpowered pseudo goddess Hubba had first considered her. She was a powerful and intelligent being. Hubba would have to tread carefully when she manipulated the Atlantean goddess for her own plans, which, as they were now forming, involved both her and Young Dullard.
* * * * *
Erus materialized in a grass smokers' nightmare. Then, as the frightened pothead woke up, leaped in a swirl of foul smoke and colored streamers into the real world. Before the shocked hippy could react, the demon lord had strode to the door and gone out of the apartment.
Now he would find Young Dullard. He knew the big idiot was somewhere in this very city. He would track him down and have it out with him. The goddess preferred Young Dullard to him? He'd settle that fool's has once and for all!
As he walked through the hall, Erus magically created the weapons he was preparing to wield in the coming fight. In his left hand was a gigantic war hammer. His right hand held a laser pistol capable of burning through steel.
Oh, he'd get him. He was ready. It wouldn't even be a fight. He'd finish Young Dullard in less than a minute. It would be over just like ...
Something hard and heavy slammed into the back of Erus' skull in mid-thought. The demon was unconscious when he hit the floor.
TO BE CONTINUED.