The Return of the Giant Rat of Sumatra: Part 4

The following work is reprinted with permission from:

Young Dullard Ashamedly Presents:

THE RETURN OF THE GIANT RAT OF SUMATRA (Part IV)

by Charles Garofalo

Synopsis: In our last episode, Erus the murderous Dark Titan

had awoken to find himself bound and gagged in the apartment

of Fru Sprodeknotchen, an escaped senile Nazi with an appetite for

torture. A crude but deadly array of fiendish instruments was slowly

descending upon his helpless form while mysterious noises drew nearer.

Meanwhile: In a castle chamber lodged within another time/space

continuum, Athrozetz, foremer Atlantean goddess banished from our

world long ago had discovered the absence of Erus, her insanely jealous

demon lover. If he had travelled to Earth to wreck vengeance upon

Young Dullard, who he supposed to be a rival for the affections of his

mistress, it would upset her scheme to break free of her existence in limbo.

At the same time on Earth, Hubba the Rat, a vicious interstellar

criminal who had deluded Young Dullard by means of her shape

changing abilities, had received a belated computer analysis of the

Thessalapian Jade, a mystice statue which she'd just delivered to Young

Dullard as part of Athrozetz's intricate plot. The print out had revealed

the true nature of the figurine. Hubba swore to retake it, although this

course would pit her against both Young Dullard and the might of Athrozetz.

"One side, bub," hissed Hubba, pushing past a late night drunk. "I'm in a hurry."

Too much of a hurry to bother to change from her natural form, a nine foot rat with burning red eyes. Needless to say, the man hastened to comply. In fact, he did not stop running untiil he reached Alcoholics Anyonymous.

Hubba normally disliked drawing attention to herself, but things were too desperate for half-measures now.

A nightwatchman spotted her though the window of the department store he guarded. He was found the next morning under one of the store's best selling models of beds.

Six drug addicts and a wino signed off. A brace of muggers decided to quit their profession and join the Salvation Army. A Salvation Army worker decided that if that's the sort of thing he was going to see, he might as well have stayed a pickpocket.

Hubba didn't care what the Earthlings thought. She was too busy cursing herself for giving the Thessalapian Jade to Young Dullard and trying to figure out how to get it back.

To think that she, the most wanted thief on twenty-two planets, one time queen of crime in five solar systems, hunted by police, detectives, process servers and hired bounty hunters all over the galaxy had let a Quarard Stone out of her grasp!

For close to a century she'd been marooned on this totally uninteresting mudball, and she'd given the means to escape it to a clumsy incompetent. That stone contained enough energy to fuel her spaceship for a million mega millennia ... if she ran it non-stop that long. It was all she needed to kiss Earth goodbye. She had to get it back before Young Dullard destroyed it.

Hubba put her snout to the pavement. Where was he ... where was he ... ah, he went this way. She could smell the combination of lemon soda, wet uniform, and distinct odor of an Arthian.

Snuffling like a blood-rat, she began to track him.

* * * * *

"Grummph!" bellowed Erus through his gag as the torture panel descended. Although Frau Sprodencnotchen, the demon's malevolent captor had fled at a sudden sound, the infernal machine which she'd activated was still running. In a few minutes, the electric egg-beater would catch him in the teeth.

Four figures, none over four feet tall, materialized out of the woodwork. One quickly pulled a switch, stopping the descent of the deadly panel.

Another pulled the gag from his mouth. The remaining two worked on his ropes.

"Easy, mister, we'll have you out of this thing in a jiffy," grunted one of his rescuers.

"Who ... what ... why?" muttered the stunned Titan.

"Just doing our job," said one, holding up an unfamiliar badge to his eyes. The design was a stylized spaceship and fifteen stars in a ring.

Erus twisted his head to get a better look at the foursome. All were short, stocky near-humans about four feet tall apiece. They were dressed identically in black trench coats, gray suits, broad rimmed hats and black tennis shoes. The one with the badge resumed speaking.

"Operative Wahshday, from the Interstellar Confederation of Criminal Investigation. We're on a stake-out. What the hell are you doing here?"

"Well, I was just travelling down the hall, minding my own business," explained Erus, "when somebody conked me from behind. When I came to, the old bag was calling me Eff de Ahr and Kepitan Amerika and other names. She gagged me and had turned on that contraption when she heard you guys and spllit. The name's Erus. I'm an honest mercenary soldier and killer for hire myself. I was just on my way to slaughter somebody when the old bat slugged me."

"He's telling the truth so far, chief," remarked the ICCI (pronounced icky) agent who'd pulled the switch, cutting off power. Erus saw the pen-sized lie detector he'd had pointing at the demon lord.

"Fizzvin!" growled Wahshday. "We get this beautiful trap set up and old Sprodeknotchen blows it by grabbing this guy."

"Who are you trying to nab?" inquired Erus.

"Nobody you'd know. A galactic fugitive from justice named Hubba-the-Rat. Nine feet long, about 500 lbs., gray fur, long whiskers, big ears, red eyes, an iridium filling in her right molar, wanted for seven charges of mass kidnapping, twelve of multi-denominational counterfeiting, two counts of planetcide, twenty of space piracy, eighty four of drug ..."

"Did you say Hubba-the-Rat? What could she want in this dump?"

"Old Frau Sprodeknotchen's got this jade statue, see? It looks a lot like this famous Quarard Stone that disappeared in this quadrant of the galaxy, the Thessalapian Jade. So, if she hears about this and ..."

"Forget it! You're wasting your time. She's already got the real thing. A broad I know named Athrozetz gave it to her to pass along to her boyfriend, a criminal from Arth named Yung Dhul Arhd."

"Argle-gack!" groaned Wahshday. "She could fly to the other end of the universe with that thing powering her ship's engine. I don't suppose you'd have any idea where we could find them?"

"No sweat! I was headed that way myself to settle an old score with her boyfriend. You and your buddies can have the rat, but Dullard is mine."

"These aren't my buddies, they're my co-workers. Operatives Raineday, Badday, and --" Wahshday gestured to the one female in the group. She was barely distinguishable from the men, save for long blonde hair under her hat.

"--Farrahday."

* * * * *

"He's down on Earth!" raged Athrozetz. "Get me my purse. The black one with the extra make up kit. And my space otter stole. I'm going out."

The goddess stared out the window at the gray nothingness that was the substance of limbo before screaming to no one in particular: "That mental quadriplegic is down there on Earth. He's gone to fight Young Dullard!"

"Perhaps the Arthian will defeat him," said Nergon hopefully. He had privately come to the same conclusion about Erus' whereabouts more than an hour ago, but had been afraid to tell Athrozetz. One does not bring bad news to an evil goddess in a bad mood if one can ever help it.

"And if he doesn't? You know that the Arthian is probably the only one who can destroy the Thessalapian Jade. Only Young Dullard can blow open a permanent dimensional rift."

"I can't afford to take the chance. Get me a drink. I can use a little liquid strength. And prepare the Ghazagian Gate."

"The Ghazagian Gate?" asked Nergon, fetching her a glass with just the right amount of vermouth and a yellow olive floating in it. "But mistress, if you use the Gate to reach Earth, you'll only be able to use half of your power. You'll need the rest to maintain the Gate."

"Ah, that's better," said the goddess tossing it off with a gulp. "Even at half power, I can handle the likes of Erus and Dullard. Open the portal!"

* * * * *

Calvin Quincey Welk was not expecting anything out of the ordinary when he brought his jogging suit to the all night laundry. A normal escapade like a mugger or a fire, maybe, but nothing really serious.

He immediately sensed something was wrong when he saw the oversized jock stroll into the room and carefully put down a green figurine. He had pulled off his purple and orange shirt and half removed his mask when he muttered something about a "secret identity." As the figure hesitated, drops of sweet smelling liquid dripped from his mask onto his muscular torso.

The figure looked around and exclaimed, "Ah, just what I need!"

He reached into a trash can and pulled out an empty box of economy sized detergent. He punched two holes in the front of the box, then slipped it over his hed. A moment later the mask joined his shirt in the washer. This accomplished, he slapped his hands together as if he'd solved a nigh-impossible challenge.

Welk watched the stranger reach for his back pocket. He did a double take and muttered, "Hey, I don't have any pockets." He then bent down and pulled a dollar out of a boot.

Young Dullard (for it was he, of course) contemplated the coin operated maching for a brief moment, dollar in hand. He turned to Welk.

"Pardon me, citizen," he inquired waving the dollar, "would you by any chance have change of ..."

"Sorry," said Welk with finality.

Dullard then noticed the vending machine full of small packets of detergent. As Welk stuffed his own laundry into a handy washer, the hulking giant stuck his finger into the coin return to check for any loose change left in by mistake.

Within seconds he was struggling to free his finger from the slot. As Welk watched warily, he put his foot against the machine to use as a lever to pull his trapped digits loose. With a colosal heave, he got loose--after ripping the door off the machine, spilling various detergents all over the floor, and getting his foot stuck in the machine's innards.

"Ooops," he said apologetically to Welk.

As Dullard struggled to free his trapped foot, his thoughts kept travelling back to Maye Day. Now there was a girl he'd like to know better. So sweet, so ladylike ...

Meanwhile, sweet, ladylike Maye Day, alias Hubba-the-Rat, was lurking outside the all night laundry. Her beady red eyes took in what was occurring. After Young Dullard had freed his boot and got change from a patron on the way out, he sat down, eliciting a shriek from the Rat. He'd missed the Jade by inches.

Stealthily she crept into the laundromat. There were only a few other people present. Slowly she snuck up behind the unsuspecting Arthian. With any luck he wouldn't notice the Jade was missing before she was gone.

She reached for the statue.

In a burst of incandescent lights and prismatic globes, Athrozetz materialized in the laundromat. She was just in time to catch Hubba with her paw on the statue.

"I should have known better than to trust a rat!" she cried in unholy wrath. She unleashed a fireball, which singed the rodent and activated the automatic sprinkler system.

A woman, noticing the Rat, screamed and tossed her hands into the air, sending sheets and towels flying across the room. Welk decided that this was no place for him to be and dashed for the door.

That was when the demon came charging in.

Welk gasped for a moment at the gigantic horned creature, whose face was like a groteque fanged mask, between him and the door. The monster snapped his fingers, materializing a brace of 45's, and began blazing away at the Arthian. The bullets ricocheted off Young Dullard's chest, bouncing haphazardly about the room. Several ripped open boxes of detergent, spilling he contents on the floor.

Welk reversed field and headed for the rear exit through which the rest of the patrons had already fled. As he reached it, four short stocky beings in trenchcoats and broad rimmed hats burst in, waving guns and badges.

"Stop!" bawled one. "This is a raid! Hubba, I'm arresting you in the name of ..."

"ICCIs!" squeaked the Rat. "You'll never take me alive!"

"I don't intend to!" screamed Athrozetz,making the mystic passes to summon a lightning bolt. "You little backstabber!"

The ICCIs began firing at the rat with their pocket blasters. She dodged both them and the lightning bolt easily. The bolt short circuited a drier. The shots mortally wounded two washing machines, which promptly bled their water and suds all over the floor.

Welk dived into a pool of suds to avoid the crossfire.

"Rrrrgghh!" yelled Erus, as he began hammering Young Dullard's head with the butts of both his empty pistols.

"Stop, you idiot! I need him for my plans!" hollared Athrozetz.

"Stop, in the name of the law," barked Raineday.

"Stop all this nonsense at once!" pleaded Welk, looking about for an unimpeded path to an exit.

Hubba ran for the door, still clutching the statue. Badday tried to intercept her. A blow of her whip-like tail sent him crashing headfirst into the washer with Welk's jogging suit. He was spun through the Rinse Cycle before Farrahday helped him out.

Dullard won free of Erus just in time to trip over a bench. Erus summoned a machete and returned to the fray.

Meanwhile Hubba threaded her way through an obstacle course of overturned washers, heaped clothing, pools of soapy water, waist high bubbling fountains and potholes in the floor while dodging mystic bolts and laser blasts. Athrozetz lunged at her as she skittered by, missed, and flopped into a pond of dirty water.

"My wrap! My make up!" she sputtered.

"Stop that Rat," yelled Dullard, shoving Erus out of the way and into Badday and Farrahday.

"Don't let her get away!" shouted the pursuing Wahshday, bowling over Welk back into the pile of suds.

"Come back and fight like a man!" thundered Erus, too angry to notice Welk's jogging shorts dangling from one of his horns.

Athrozetz, soaking, flailing about, too angry even to scream any more, slogged out of the suds after the rest of the procession. On the way she knocked Welk back into the pond again and turned him into a duck for good measure.

Hubba led the charge down the street, slowed by Young Dullard clinging to her tail. Behind the pair was Erus, who'd materialized a Japanese sword for his other hand. He was followed by the ICCIs, led by Wahshday. Last came a fuming, soaked Athrozetz.

"Vas ist dis! Acch!" This last came from Frau Sprodeknotchen, who had the misfortune to be coming around the corner. The Rat knocked her sprawling, just before the half naked Arthian and the rest fell on top of the rodent. It was all the old woman could do to avoid the scuffle. Her pussycat fled in panic. Her suitcase opened, valuable gems littering the sidewalk.

An Investigator kicked Young Dullard in the side, breaking four of his toes in the process. Athrozetz tried to evoke the Silver Bands of Sullsiar on Erus, only to bind up Raineday instead.

Hubba dropped the Jade. Young Dullard leaped fro it, providentially catching Erus in the face as he did so. He crash landed on top of Badday. Flailing about, he managed to grab something. It was the Thessalapian Jade. He remembered the words of Maye Day.

It must be protected at all times.

Young Dullard hated to run from a battle, but he knew his duty. Tucking the Jade under one arm like a football, he charged through the crowd. Erus, just getting to his feet, was knocked over again. Athrozetz attempted another shot at the rat, only to fall when Farrahday accidentally grabbed at the hem of her dress. It tore.

"I'll settle with you retards later!" she snapped and ran after the fleeing Rat.

"Athrozetz, wait a minute, let me explain," began Erus, pursuing her.

"What hit me?" asked Wahshday to Farrahday.

"You tell me. Let's get Raineday out of those things.

* * * * *

Young Dullard returned to the laundry to get his shirt and mask. Ignoring the facts that they were soaking wet and that the colors were running, he donned them. Then he began to make plans. He had to find out more about this Jade thing, why it was so valuable. He'd see a detective tomorrow.

Ignoring the remaining four dumkoffs still struggling with those metal whatevers on the pavement, Frau Sprodeknotchen retreived her jewelry. It was all there except the jade statue--ja, there the statue was.

She looked at it a moment. She thought that it looked different somehow. Nein, it was here old eyes. Stuffing it in her suitcase, she began to look for her cat.

TO BE CONTINUED.