Why the Hate?

Whoever I Want To Be

My name is Sharron Ashford, I’m 43 years old. I have lived a rather normal and uneventful life. The highlights of it have been being on varsity cheerleading in high school, marrying my husband Thomas and giving birth to my child who is now known as Harley. This may seem like a good life but, I had to learn a lot about the world.

I grew up in Alabama in a small town that knew each other through church. I heard a lot of things when I was a child that were quite hateful towards LGBT people. I specifically remember sitting on the couch with my papa and him telling me that “the gays aren’t natural and that the good Lord didn’t like them so they wouldn’t go to heaven.” He also said something like “Sharron always remember that it is our duty as good Christians to stop these people from sinning.” Due to this upbringing started to join anti-gay movements and supported gay conversion therapy. All my friends and I would bake cookies for bake sales raising money for these camps and other church charities. I was misguided but, I thought I was saving these people from going to hell and making sure the world stayed natural. My husband frowned upon this however he is in the military and was never home to state his opinions and the opinions of my best friend Catherine were constantly present.

My pride and joy was in my child. When they were born a female I named them Juliet Elizabeth. I would take them out shopping for the prettiest dresses and they loved playing dress-up, Cinderella was their favorite character to be. As they grew they became more withdrawn from the happy little girl they were, shopping trips became fewer. They started to hang out with Catherine’s son, Alex more and more. I chalked it up to a crush and no more than that, but Harley began to want to do boyish things like nerf gunfights. The first major thing I noticed was one day when they were 14 they came home with a black eye and some other bruises. The explanation given was an extreme game of dodgeball in gym class. For a while, I forgot my curiosity about my child’s current mood due to the apparent death of my husband. The army called and he was missing in action.

It was during this period that my child came out to me as nonbinary. They told me that they wanted to be called Harley Lee and not Juliet Elizabeth; and that their pronouns should be they/them not she/her. At first, I was really confused, I didn’t understand how a biological female couldn’t be female. Yes, I had heard of transgender people but, to me, that happened to nameless faceless strangers, not my own flesh and blood. I pointed out that Harley had always loved dressing up and showed no signs of not being a little girl growing up. Harley replied saying “I didn’t have the vocabulary to express how I felt back then.” So I asked, “Well, when did you know?” Harley proceeded to give several reasons starting from not saying “here” during attendance because they were listening for a different name and finishing with, not being able to change in the locker room, having to change in a bathroom stall because they didn’t feel safe with other girls seeing what their body truly looks like. At this point, I was just angry and slightly annoyed with this teenage attitude/insecurity and I couldn’t stand hearing my little girl telling me that she wasn’t mine anymore. I even said that last bit out loud. Harley started to cry asking me “Do you want me to suffer? Because of who I am I’m in so much pain, so much pain that bleeding out is more appealing than being something I’m not. The only thing keeping me from killing myself is the thought of reading Juliet Elizabeth Ashford on my headstone.” It was terrifying to hear and all I could think about is my only child committing suicide so I told Harley that I was going to get them professional help because they weren’t the person they said they were. Harley then said the few words that broke my resolve to not cry they said, “All you have to do is accept me for who I am. You said I could be whoever I wanted when I grew up. I don’t need you to understand this, just love me no matter what and respect me. Dad would of.” I started crying and screamed, “JULIET GO TO YOUR ROOM!”

I then started to research psychiatric wards in the area. I decided to send Harley to one called Self Check. The next day I packed some of Harley’s things and we went to Self Check. The nurse who checked us in Nurse Sinnamon Joy assured me that Harley’s issue’s would be sorted out and, that I would be receiving updates from the assigned doctor, Doctor Rose. After a few days, Doctor Rose called and wanted to schedule an appointment about Harley’s diagnoses. I thought Harley was going to be diagnosed with something like schizophrenia or depression, however, they got diagnosed with gender dysphoria. I was absolutely appalled that Harley truly wasn’t my little girl after all. I was considering sending Harley to one of the therapy camps but, then out of the blue, I received a call from my husband. He was alive and safe but couldn’t tell me what happened or where he had been. Instead, I told him about Harley and he immediately said that we should learn to accept our child for who they were and, that my religious beliefs shouldn’t interfere with that. I naturally disagreed and Catherine backed me up on it. During the weeks that followed, I started to research more into gender dysphoria as well as more into my own religion to try to prove why I was right. However, I eventually came to realize that I loved my child no matter what and that I was forgetting the new commandment; “Love one another.” It was a hard realization, it hurt so much knowing that I had supported a cause that ruined some people’s lives. When Harley was finally ready to be released I drove them home and I apologized and cried. It was hard at first to remember their new name and pronouns but, they understood and were proud of me for coming so far in such a short time.

In the weeks that followed I scheduled Harley an appointment to get their hair cut, they couldn’t stop smiling and once we left the salon. They stared into the mirror the whole way home. Then when the binders arrived Harley hugged me and thanked me so many times that I started laughing. Months later it was time to shop for a homecoming outfit, the two of us went out like we used to but instead of looking for princess dresses we looked for suit coats. We had great fun as Harley tried on some nice ones and some ridiculous ones. The one purple jacket reminded me so much of Willy Wonka that I asked if Harley wanted to open a chocolate factory when they were older. Harley just laughed and said, “maybe, you did tell me that I could be whoever I wanted.” I didn’t deserve Harley’s forgiveness yet they found it in their heart to give it to me anyway. I’m forever grateful that they did and that they still want me in their life. I try every day to repent for supporting a hateful viewpoint.

Catherine was fully against my decision to in her opinion play “into Juliet’s madness” She refuses to call Harley, Harley. No matter how many times I tried to change Catherine’s mind she wouldn’t budge. In the end, Catherine and I ended our friendship. I really hope that Catherine does change her mind. Harley recently told me that Catherine’s son, Alex is gay. If she ever finds out I fear Alex will be disowned or sent to a camp. Harley however, is happier than they ever were and I’m glad because I had forgotten what their true happiness looked like.

Thomas and I are prepared to do anything for Harley if it means they can be safe and comfortable in life, whether it be campaigning for equal rights or making sure Harley has new binders when they need them. My conservative upbringing nearly destroyed my child’s family life but, I decided to grow and move on from those early lessons. My father may have been wrong about a lot of things but, he was still a good person. I too am a good person I, however, was just misguided and, I look forward to learning and accepting more in this world. I like Harley hope to someday become who I want to be.

Works Consulted

Dahl Roald, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Alfred A. Knopf, 1967, Puffin Books, 1995-2006, Scholastic Corporation, current

Epperson Geoff and Company, Self Check, 2019, Sandburg Plays Scotland

“Housing & Homelessness.” National Center for Transgender Equality, transequality.org/issues/housing-homelessness.

Human Rights Campaign. “The Lies and Dangers of ‘Conversion Therapy.’” Human Rights Campaign, 2019, www.hrc.org/resources/the-lies-and-dangers-of-reparative-therapy.

Human Rights Campaign. “Violence Against the Transgender Community in 2019.” Human Rights Campaign, 2019, www.hrc.org/resources/violence-against-the-transgender-community-in-2019

“Violence Against Trans and Non-Binary People.” VAWnet.org, vawnet.org/sc/serving-trans-and-non-binary-survivors- domestic-and-sexual-violence/violence-against-trans-and