#TW SH/SUI SRS

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im still one minor inconvenience away from killing myself if i can be so real right now

weve increased my therapy and i dont know. its sort of on the back burner instead of the front but even the smallest thing might bring suicidal thoughts back up. and not just thoughts. intent

what i want is no more back burner. suicidal ideation has been in the back of my mind for as long as i can remember (i dont remember very much). i want to take the pot and smash it and cook something new on the stove. as long as the thoughts are still there, its probably going to be the way i go out once and for all

i hate a lot of things

im really barely hanging on at this point

woaw so about a week ago i just really randomly drafted my suicide note

pause rewind play

table of contents??? i want to kill myself, im holding on for other people in my life, heres what i hate about the body im trapped in, i love my girlfriend, reflection on why i havent so far

i thought i would actually fucking kill myself on friday after i got off that boat. it was insane. but i told a teacher immediately afterwards since the suicidal ideation was kind of a downer and i didnt finish an important assignment. from there i thought okay fuck it. and probably some part of me deep down didnt want to? like i dont want to kill myself but i need to kill myself. it sort of reminds me of how much i hate being at my school but im still there. but anyways since i told someone i think that means i wasnt going to. if i really was going to i wouldnt have said anything i think

idk. theres a lot of people that care about me. my parents care a lot despite it being really complicated, my friends are pretty neat we are bros for life, and my school ??? needs me in order to function lol

and my girlfriend really loves me. i still cant believe it sometimes but  she really does. its insane and she really does

i just havent lived for myself in a long time. ive barely hung on, on and off suicidal, for as long as i can remember (which isnt that long i dont remember my life very well), and i spend a lot of time living for the sake of other people. theres always that argument, wether or not suicide is selfish. i think suicidial people know that more than anyone, how much pain they would cause if that really happened. sometimes people dont understand that if you still want to kill yourself despite all of that, theres some sort of pain inside that is so much worse

but i hold on. because there are people who need me.

really i have the most beef with all these facts about me that are just set in stone. impossible to change. i have that undiagnosed adhd. the actual CHEMICALS in my brain wont let me do ANYTHING its so ridiculous. when im always exhausted or in physical pain on top of that (which is also??? so far just not been explained  medically no matter what i do), i dont know. all the steps i need to take to actually improve my life are physically impossible and ive wasted my whole life up to this point because i am actually incapable of doing anything with it but waste it

you cant tell me otherwise. ive accomplished so much and i do so much and its never going to be enough for me. im not satisfied. and im not ever going to be. you cant praise me for doing the bare minimum or doing what i can because im so fucking bored. im restless. i cant do more im doing everything i possibly can and its somehow not enough for me.

ive also just not got the most fun journey with my gender. i hate delving into the specifics online. i dont want ANYONE to perceive me as anything different than what i am. im not someone with specific labels or confidence in how i feel about myself and idk i am not woke liberal blue hair pronouns. my gender is best defined as "boy probably".

im more than just a boy? im definitely somewhat feminine (especially when i was younger) and it just feels like i dont know what i am. but heres the thing. maybe its because im short, or asian, or i have a baby face, but people dont seem to treat me like a real guy. its fucking awful. i know i cant demand that when i barely act like a dude and i just said that i dont know if i really feel like a boy but . i dont know what i want and its not what i have.

i dont know how much i believe in people having multiple lives. my dad really does, keeps telling me i have an old soul. to me, it feels like if my soul is actually a boy all along, i want to take a gamble. in the next life, i can be a normal healthy guy. mentally and physically strong, and typical. nothing inherently broken about me.

i deserve so much better than what i have. im such a skilled and beautiful person and its a waste. isnt it?

ANYWAYS: ive been lowkey trying to get myself hospitalized because i cant do school anymore i do not want to enter that building its so over for me but my therapist wants to talk to me first so im holding on for one more day and its just crazy. crazy dayo

btw guys i do really love my girlfriend. it was sunday nite (or i guess monday since it was late) exactly a week ago that i was genuinely 100% sure i would kill myself and i opened my phone and saw her messages and everything melted off like cleansing balm. i fell asleep easy after that.

and even the other day with the regretevator. shes just the absolute sweetest and shes completely saved my life without even realizing it. i love her so much

in the end, i didnt kill myself on friday well firstly because i really love my girlfriend. i miss my wife tails. but secondly, my teacher after i told her about everything told me about a friend she had that passed of cancer very young, but in a way he seemed to have already learned everything he needed to from living, always being so kind and positive and cheerful even knowing he would pass soon. and that i still have a lot i can learn, that it doesnt really feel like my time yet. that its not the right ending for me. and that also reminded me of something my dad said that same monday, that everyone is born for a reason. all this pain and bullshit i need to go through its not for no reason.

i think those are a beautiful way to think, even though the pain is so strong that i cant believe it most of the time. i like that.

my favorite way to do it is really stupid. its just burning myself a little. not straight up. what i do is i stick something metal into some flame to heat it up a little and then i press it into my wrist. ive only really done this enough times to count with my fingers. and if im not a pussy and get it pretty hot therell be a mark for a few days but ive never gotten a scar.

the easiest way to do it is going into my tiny ass school's kitchen and sticking the flappy ends of a binder clip into the pilot light? what the fucks it called but theres little flames on the stovetop that are always on and you cant turn them off or everything explodes and we all die. anyway i do that before pressing it into my skin and since no ones ever in the kitchen except when its time to prep lunch i can sneak away from classes to do it.

the first time i did it i did it with a bobby pin and a lighter which is honestly fairly convenient and id do that more if i wasnt ASS at turning on those little lighters. i dont know what im doing wrong. this is why id never try smoking, i cant fucking figure out the lighters. me and my horrible skill at turning the stupid wheel that sparks the flame preventing me from self harm AND smoking. maybe ill never become good, but that would be a stupid reason to not do dumb stuff to myself. it would be less loser behavior if i didnt want to do any of those things right

the only reason im talking about this is also really unsrs and lowk loser behavior. i did it once at school the other day and whenever burns heal they always itch really bad. so theres a stupid little mark on my arm and its insanely itchy and i cant really complain about it because i dont really have a good story for why i have a super insanely tiny burn there. idk why i never really thought about it but man sh sucks way more ass than i thought. like its sorta exhilarating when youre doing it but once youre done it just sucks.

idk why my life is falling apart dude. i had an awesome valentines day and my dads coming around and i have therapy? i dont know. i keep having thoughts about wanting to kill myself but i dont REALLY want to kill myself anymore because sometimes i can imagine my future. sometimes i can picture my one ticket out of hell. i get some boots that fit my orthotics and i buff up a little and i get into a good college. i take bass lessons and maybe i become a famous rockstar. i get even closer to my girlfriend and maybe i save up some money and visit her someday. i find friends i can drink with or do even dumber shit with than my current friends, but maybe i figure shit out with all my friends right now and stick with them, because were all assholes but were all family. theres so much opportunity out there if i just do a little more this or a little more that. but all my body seems to think im capable of is drink, be in intense pain/fatigue, eat hot chip, and crash out. but i can picture the dream of me and its all so clear. so i cant just kill myself now. but god why cant i stop being so miserable even when things turn out okay?

lately i keep scrolling through shtwt communities and i dont look at any pictures of cuts or anything (idk why) but i just look at sh/aftercare guides or watch ppl make memes/connect about the struggle

i dont know why i do this honestly because all it does is make me think "man sh rn would be kinda fire" or whatever and it doesnt really make me feel better?? which also i think it would be kinda weird if it did

sorry this was going to be a mildly serious post about my passive desire to harm myself but im also going through the current ensekai story because i need my crystals and my wholesome mixed event story but they just got to the part where ena and mmj discover toya in the photo contest and i lost focus so goodbye

ill try this again another time