#IRL

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°

me when my dad exists

youll notice every time theres an entry on one day in one section there tends to be another in another section

anyways

ive been taking melatonin a bit recently and im pretty sure thats why ive had insanely terrible dreams over the past few days. i dont think theyre actually nightmares but theyre just so odd that i would classify them as nightmares

like i keep being in uncomfortable situations or my dad is there and a lot of times my underclassmen are there. why is 8th grader A da bus driver all of da sudden.

and its making me reflect really bad on why im still thinking about something that happened last school year. god it was so awful and now that im looking back more of it was my fault then i initially thought??? and its not that i "havent moved on" because theres nothing to move on from, but then why does it still come up in my brain or in my dreams.

whats up guys im 16 and im the new player on the basketball team (yeah tragic backstory we know its you)

i dont know what that intro is i dont know why i make intros to my posts on this site

i need to get out of my school man i fucking mean it when i say that middle schoolers and high schoolers were not meant to have intensive irl interactions with each other for longer than five minutes at a time. please get me out of my skin.

is it because i look twelve is it becaue im queer so i dont really look all that much like a dude what is it

i dont know i think last year scarred me and i need to relax.

i also really really really really want to see my girlfriend and forget about all of this and just idk feel the virtual equivalent of a warm embrace but i dont know how to say that without either sounding insane or incel like

less than 10 min before my therapy session but i need one of the students at my school to KILL HIMSELF. TONIGHT. its not his fault hes annoying but i am tired of being his unpaid aid and im sure the other kids my age feel the same way. it should not be our job to tell him what to do and it should not be our fault when he fucks up. honestly if hes still there tomorrow morning i might need to take one for the team and actually tell him to jump its so over

if anyone asks, probably nothing is going to happen and i just need to suck it up bc im the older one

but whatever

pull up to the sri lanka

my moms on a business trip so yay prolonged time with my father when hes stressed from dealing w everything on his own :D yes this always goes well nothing ever goes wrong every time this happens

surprisingly not that much has gone wrong even tho i got a little sick near the beginning (honestly the last time my dad crashed the fuck out was when i was sick so things were NOT looking good but he doesnt know the extent that i was sick so its all worked itself out) (that does mean that i had to throw up at school and then pretend i didnt once but who doesnt do that at least once in their high school experience)

anyway had a realization wednesday night about something happening: remember my extremely tiny school? yeah so two eighth graders are dating now and i really dont care that much about either student (one of them definitely latched onto me reaaal bad last year and it was a whole problem that i wont disclose in a lot of detail but other than that nothing really) but for some reason they still annoyed me real bad and i couldnt figure it out

i think im jealous? not of one of them about the other because they are both thirteen years old, i have a girlfriend, and im also not a weirdo. but just of the fact that they get to date at this stupid school. also because i do kind of hate the one that stuck to me last year. when you dislike someone and they do better than you at something, its really annoying. i spent most of my middle school without any friends, which i was completely fine with at the time (no cope i was just enjoying myself) and i was fully okay with it until i gained an older perspective and observing my underclassmen showed me what i couldve had.

i hate her. honestly last year she was horrible at boundaries with everyone and caused all the problems and i hate her. also her home life is AWFUL and in general she was handed worse cards at life than me i think. somehow though, even though shes not amazing or great or not even good, she has a very normal social life and a girlfriend in her final year at this school.

idk bro. the way i was born or my mental illness or my fathers trauma are not my fault. but the way i act? the way i talk the way i interact with others? i have full control over my actions and somehow it took me so long to finally be part of any group and it took me so long to find a relationship or any substantial dynamics in my life. the one thing i have full control over, and im worse at it than this preteen thats not even a good person.

i guess im not much better for holding this immature and petty hatred towards a child but ykwim. and then she gets to LEAVE? shes going to another high school. every single kid in that grade except for one are all going off into other options for high school. they have all this time ahead of them. i guess i do too, but im seeing this from an immature lens. seeing the future is hard when youre still kind of passively suicidal. im excited to not have to see her stupid face again but its insane that they actually get to experience the wider world.

i dont even have a reason to be at my school. other kids who actually stick it out to graduate here they either have some sort of familial connection or theyve seen how shitty other schools can be and see us as the best option. i have neither of those things. i dont know why im here and i dont know why i stayed, especially since ive wanted to leave my school every single year. every second semester im just fucking miserable telling myself why didnt i leave why didnt i leave why didnt i leave why didnt i leave

and next year is my senior year of high school. i just cant fucking leave now unless i get expelled or something. and even then all of what i couldve had during high school and middle school is over. 

whatever. and then we have such a tiny school that i have to watch them be together. its really gross. i really wish i could actually see my girlfriend. its been eight months of dating and because we have a huge timezone (plus im also kind of a pussy sometimes) we dont actually spend a lot of time together. and i guess ive finally seen her hand?? and now thats also all i think about since im so fucking mentally ill. why cant we hold hands. i have like a non creepy  just genuine wish to touch skin to skin. i dont know i cant make it not sound weird. the texture of human skin usually freaks me out but i wouldnt care. i want to feel her hand and finally experience some human warmth that isnt my own.

anyways not helpful when me and my girlfriend cant talk for long hours and im too scared to actually call her or anything and i havent even told her about any of this and then to just sort of rub all of it into the wound i get to see the 8th grader that i conveniently HATE be super cringy in a stupid middle school relationship. this is getting ridiculous.

i promise me pulling up to the vent site on valentines day is NOT bc im having trouble in the romance department, my gf has been the best thing thats ever happened to me

im here to lowk shit talk my school. i really hope i dont get doxxed or some irl finds out who i am bc my life would be fucking tragicover but i need to get this shit out of my system and i highly doubt people look at this site 24/7 365 anyway even tho its on my carrd idk, if i delete this section ill summarize it later

anyway: i go to a SUPER SMALL k-12 private school's middle-to-high school program. that means grades 7-12 if youre american and basically ages 12-17/18 if youre not american are all in one class. theres only around 20 of us total and most of it is 7th-8th that will leave. this vent probably wont make any sense since i wont be providing that much additional context about my school

also, this school is honestly a pretty good opportunity for me. its not cheap + ive never been to another school before but when i interact with other kids  my age irl im always kind of taken back by how dumb they are? which sounds mean but ik im learning more life skills than other kids, so maybe its all worth it or whatever. im not in a cult and i dont hate my school trust

im just DONE THOUGH. ive been burnt out socially for years. in all the age level programs, the underclassman and upperclassman dynamic is important bc of the mixed age classes. so in elementary i went through this shit too. because of the school's size, older students are heavily depended on to an absurd amount. most kids can sort of disconnect from it or dont realize theyre super stressed out but holy fuck. me and my friends are NOT having a fun time. its always our responsibility to be role models and make sure nothing goes wrong. its somehow also our fault when the younger ones act out. bro, the seniors have college and the future to be worried about, plus their senior trip to get ready for. i signed up for the march SAT earlier this month and have three weeks to cram the entire SAT prep. the 10ths have their own personal issues and need to focus on starting our higher level classes. plus, i want to spend time with my friends. 

thats the thing. some shit with a specific middle schooler is making everyone fight, and this year i wanted to be disconnected from it all. so for the past two months, i havent sat with anyone at lunch, even my friends, bc they end up getting sucked into the conflict bc theyre fed up trying to solve the problem. im missing out on inside jokes (which i wouldve been fine w) but im trying to get back and suddenly theyre all super racist?? which is mostly completely out of left field. its all ironic (i know my friends well) and we (myself included) have joked about srs topics in the past if its something we struggle with / we all understand that its a joke and the topic is actually serious. even then though, i feel like maybe its just the country under pressure but everyone's cranking it up to 100 and ???? its not fun. i dont care that much but its straight up unfunny???

i know its not my problem anymore. i hate that everything is still supposed to be my responsibility, so now i only participate in stuff when i want to (and have yet to get in serious trouble for it). the only thing is that no one understands whats actually going on but me, so itll inevitably fall on me to solve whatever conflicts we have AGAIN. why are you  all so INCOMPETENT. you cant see whats RIGHT I NFRONT OF YOU. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

am i pissed at my friends? i dont know. am i pissed at my school? probably. am i constantly thinking about the permanence of friendship and constantly reevaluating whether or not i want my friends in my life forever even though theyre my family and they used to be my only reason to live because i dont align with them anymore? yes. am i making it worse by avoiding all of my friends more without explaining myself since i dont want to solve peoples problems therefore inevitably making all of my friends drift away from me? definitely

self fulfilling prophecy they hate to see it coming

I WISH THE ADULTS COULD ALSO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON BUT THEY DONT. ALL THEY CAN DO IS TRY THEIR BEST, BUT THEY STILL BELIEVE IN THE MODEL FOR THIS FUCKASS SCHOOL SO  THEY WANT US TO SOLVE THE ISSUE. THEY THINK WE ARENT TRYING HARD ENOUGH\

ARENT TRYING HARD ENOUGH? WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT SOMEONES ACTUAL MENTAL DISORDER. WE ARE NOT DOCTORS. WE ARE NOT SPECIALISTS. WE CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONES CHEMICAL MAKEUP. THEY CANT CONTROL THEMSELVES, BUT WE CANT CONTROL THEM OR ANYONES REACTION TO THEM. THIS IS OUR FAULT? IM SIXTEEN YEARS OLD? WE ARE 17, 15, AND THIS IS OUR FAULT? 

BUT YOURE TOO BUSY BECAUSE THERE ARENT ENOUGH TEACHERS EITHER. EVERYONES DOING THEIR BEST. WE CANNOT HANDLE A STUDENT LIKE THIS WITH OUR LACK OF RESOURCES. IM SORRY. JUST BECAUSE STUDENTS COME TO OUR SCHOOL DOES NOT MAKE THEM PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDING AND PATIENT AND OBEDIENT. YOU CANNOT EXPECT CHILDREN AGED TWELVE TO SEVENTEEN TO FIGURE OUT THIS SHIT AMONGST OURSELVES.

PLEASE STOP EXPECTING ANYTHING OF US. I GUARANTEE, YOU WILL BE DISSAPOINTED.

honestly if someone manages to find me from this im so sorry? and now you know my deepest darkest secrets that i publish for anyone online to see without a care in the world bc you need carrd premium to password protect a carrd? yeah what the hell sure

i can always self destruct at any time.

i vented bc some shit happened sunday? monday?? it was 3 am ig it was technically monday

but yeah since i posted on twt and i decided to delete it i also decided to put it up on the vent site in case some moot was morbidly curious, here it is harharharhar

i also dissected this with my therapist a few hours ago and she said that the "how is it that all my problems are simultaneously my fault because of you" is very deep and she had to process it, shes very awesome 👍 i highly recommend therapy guys i love my prescribed yap time

anyway i feel better about this now and i also talked?? i guess with my dad on wed morning at breakfast, a lot of times as a family we sort of pretend nothing happened but end up talking about it later not with direct apologies per se but sort of my father explains himself and then everything is cool until something else happens again

but yeah if he leaves this house before i do then man that would make things a liiiiittle bit easier ngl

idk bros

man how insane would it be if i just killed my dad

ALSO i 100% dont think it would be any better (it would probably be worse) if my dad didnt love me but HOLY FUCK WOULD IT BE A WHOLE LOT SIMPLER

do you guys know how crazy it feels to hate someone just as much as they love you. i dont know if you understand. do you guys know how insane it feels to understand how deeply traumatized and ill someone is, to know theyve experienced a life so terrible that its genuinely immoral to make it worse

i think there are some people who experience things so terrible that im genuinely impressed that theyre still alive. man if i experienced something so fucked up that i could genuinely never completely emotionally heal from it and if i knew that this permanently open wound in my soul would be so gaping that it hurts people later on down the line, i would honestly just end everything right there. look at you. you went through something so intense that it might as well been fatal, but you were left alive. there was just no way to be a healthy person after that. 

and you still had me??? you were so determined to close the cycle of generational trauma on hard mode. you wanted more rewards for overcoming your challenge, you wanted me to be this representation of positivity in your life. you stay alive for me and me only. id be more grateful if i wasnt a whole ass person? being treated as a reward for your effort.

because BRO. i cant dismiss what you do for me. i cant dismiss that you do way more than you need to and try to do things for me that i can (and should) be able to do on my own because you think sacrificing the rest of your life for me is the peak way to show parental love. i cant even be pissed because you sleep two hours and do everything that you can to make our fucking depression house livable through the mess. i cant even be pissed because you also put in insane work in your entrepreneurial fucking job that i will never be able to understand. im not even allowed to be pissed because im just a stupid ungrateful kid

yeah im grateful that you want to change and im grateful and happy that you want something more in our family than the same patriarchal abuse. you dont want to be the father that drinks every night and hits your kid so hard you almost kill them. i still think thats amazing. i know that i should be grateful and shut up and stop complaining and I KNOW IM LUCKY okay. waow im asian american and im not physically abused am i even asian bro

youre revolutionary. you want to support me, you wont hit me, the only huge important personal value you have that i need to uphold is to follow my life's calling and understand what goes deeper beyond what we can comprehend (yippe doo dee)👍 i didnt even realize there was anything wrong until the pandemic started and i grew up a litte bit. whose fucking brat am i to still be upset after these things?

i dont know. trauma never ends though, and i dont think you fully understood that. i dont think you knew when you had me super late and miraculously that maybe the fact that i was supposed to be medically imposible was a sign. i dont think you knew that your anxiety is fucking unhealable at this point. BUT YOU DO YOU DO KNOW THAT YOU TOLD ME HOW YOU STILL EXPERIENCE PANIC WITH AUTHORITY YOU TOLD ME HOW YOUR MIND TAKES THINGS AS A PERSONAL ATTACK I KNOW AND YOU KNOW WHY ARE WE STILL HAVING PROBLEMS

whatever what the hell sure great start to my 2025 super ready to try to dig out the running away plan i had when i was thirteen just in case something happens

YIIIIPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEE