GET OUT OF MY SKIN

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°

chat please wave to the one irloomf who did read this site once

i kinda forgot this thing is as public as it is ngl

anyway the october crash out went so hard that i crash landed into php haha

and i also keep implying and joking around about the crash out to friends and i need to stop because they might actually figure it out. 

im never really a subtle person. especially if even a little part of me, subconsciously, doesnt want to be. i end up dropping little hints or stupid references until someone puts together the pieces that fall from the cracks.

please dont ever put them together. dont put them together. throw away every piece you catch dont save them throw them away

adults wont understand. she wont understand. they wont understand. i need to solve this on my own. but its been a month and it wont go away. it wont go away. it wont leave me alone i cant leave it alone i cant leave i wont leave i wont leave you

when i hear your voice the whole world goes away. HAHA.

the second i hit publish i might have revealed too much

i really need to contact my therapist since im back home now. and i #did NOT do any of my tasks today

we all know what that means. its vent site time

main thoughts: i fucking hate my fuckass school (a thread), yay my girlfriend she exists, oh yeah the middle schooler i probably traumatized once she exists too, and aster fucking arcadia

i might dive into the details of whats going on at school in the irl section bc it gives me a false sense of security that people wont look at it (really. i do not know if anyone looks at this site at all. theres no fucking way to tell so i am just balling). but the college application process is not going to be easy when our school is barely even a school. i cant do one more year of knowing literally everything i could have possibly had. i havent genuinely wanted to be there in so so so long. i dont know what im holding onto. but its starting soon (our school starts after labor day by the way. for the first time ever this has not happened before. im starting to think the student body is like my principals hamsters and shes put us in one of those fuckass balls because sometimes she just decides things and we have to go okay sure bro) i just. i cant do this man

ok next. yay my girlfriend i love my girlfriend. SHES ACTUALLY SO CUTE WHAT. im so foaming at the mouth i cant really describe her in any other way idk. im about to get american: if she was a hamburger

okay. what am i saying anymore. ok locking in now. i want to see her. like in real life someday. i want to plan a trip to see her. i can always pull that off without disclosing that were in a relationship but honestly i dont want that, i want to be stupid about it telling everyone im gonna go see my GIRLFRIEND. i want to refer to her with stupid pet names or show people our widgets and shout it off rooftops who she is why i love her why i want to see her. but (and yeah classic tragic theres a but) holy shit. i just dont have the balls. ive mentioned the name "rei" to some of my friends a few times. but otherwise the people in my life dont even know she exists. or i guess one mutual does because he found my twitter but i didnt want him to and honestly felt my heart drop to my feet when he did. but thats fucking it??

at this point im still worried about the whole "are you seriously edating" "that doesnt count as a real relationship" kind of judgement ill probably receive but i honestly think i can defend myself because its been over a year now of us being together. weve gotten even closer over the course of this relationship and im confident in us. im more worried that my friends straight up wont believe me at all. theyd think im making her up or its a prank or something.

so yeah. the people in my life still dont know the most important thing in my life. maybe its a terribly kept secret and theyve known all along, maybe itll be such a surprise and everyone will be so pissed i hid it for a year that i lose everyone. i dont fucking know. i still cant test the waters. sorry.

were not talking about the middle schooler thats not even vent site material thats an if i get black out drunk material

so last but not least: fuckass kamioshi.

i am essentially following a dead god. desperately clinging to the falling legacy of what he could have been. but i depend on him. you saved my life you saved my life you saved me.

it might be true. he wont say anything. so many others have said it instead. i cant believe anyone but him.

thats kind of a lie. he is not the only one i rely on like this. i can just be like anyone else, letting go of him and turning and giving up my whole soul again to someone else.

i couldnt tell you why i cant.

wow guys guess whos finally got some free time (its not free time im supposed to be doing something) on his laptop its certainly not this guy

im sure it would have been nice if i was just doing so well for all of june and july that i didnt need to go into the big bad personal problems google site but no. i was just really busy

i might add some more into the other sections. i really dont know what this section is supposed to be

m back. i added some stuff. theres more crazy things ive been thinking about but honestly i might start keeping it all to myself again. idk man

i miss my old interests so bad. i miss my wife tails.

who let me let go of genshin impact and kpop and 2023

or gacha life or my hero academia or danganronpa

WHO. LET. ME. LET. GO.

im not myself without some of those things. i think. oh i used to like this i USED TO? AM I FUCKING SERIOUS

why cant i just like it again

but no instead i must woke too close to the sun. its not my fault that genshins handling of cultural representation or kpop companies collabing with zionist brands pisses me off

this doesnt feel like a serious vent but this kind of thing is so important to me. the ogs last year know i used to be a south park and genshin impact acc.

im still in love with genshin characters and ships and dynamics. i still want to be in the found family i created for myself when i was 13.

its almost like these things are frozen in time for me. i hate you.

so this site may or may not have reminded me that it does not have to be 2 am and i dont need to be drunk to almost cry over the entire pulling trig series by ao3 user espyonz

im about to have a parasocial relationship with this fanfiction

should this go in the alcohol section? oh whatever i already started typing and its not like im trying to talk about drinking specifically

actually yeah no i will move to the alcohol section its may third right now for reference if anyone cares

theres something fundamental about me thats missing

translation: big research paper. that maybe i just wont do.

oops sorry guys i feel awful oops sorry guys i feel awful oops

i have a lot of homework tonight that i procrastinated until now which sucks because all i want to do is get fucked up or something

uuuugh

i dont want anyone to love me except her. i want to be hers and only hers and her to be mine and only mine. thats unrealistic and dumb. i want to tell the whole world that she is the only one that could complete me but no ones going to get it. all im going to get is judgement.

CONFESSION: i havent told a single person in real life about my girlfriend. ive implied that i date online to a few of my friends and laughed it off but to be honest im too much of a fucking pussy. and maybe its for the best because were not the type of friends to talk about romance and stuff very often. also i am 100% the most chronically online friend. or the most online in the specific types of communities im in friend. so i know deep down that if i talk about my online connections no one would actually get it

this sounds like im saying shit like im "not like other girls" or idfk "built different" no i swear

i think it would concern my parents so neither of them know about the majority of my social media accounts. and since i havent told any of my friends about my girlfriend they dont know about most of them either. im a little tired of feeling like im two different people

i want nothing more than to just see her and hear her and everything i want to be beside her i dont know what to do with myself anymore. i cant just say these things to her either because .

idk why actually. ig we dont talk about the deep stuff often. i also get embarrassed really easily. so theres that too.

me when i procrastinate both my schoolwork and killing myself ANYWAY

do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind but not wanting to start again

i dont even have anything to vent about right now i think i just feel bad

+ theres enough schoolwork to kill a large man with. that too

its been like 4? months since some really awful rumors came out about my current kamioshi and the issue still isnt resolved and i get it but it sucks

+ i found out this week that one of my friends despite never watching vtubers knew abt a big situation from last year w the corpo that most of my oshis are from so idk maybe im just anxious

honestly if this situation isnt handled well i will give up on watching vtubers. i cant do this anymore. that makes me hesitant to really oshi new livers bc im still worried

unrelated: i have an intense desperate urge to really connect deeper with my girlfriend and that sort of scares me too bc ive been way too much of a pussy to initiate everything all the time but she doesnt initiate very often (idk/idc why unless the reason why is important to her in which case i would care about her). im sure i love her. were 13 hour timezone apart and i barely know what she looks like. all i think about lately is the idea of her hand on my body. again: not freaky! just HUMAN TOUCH THAT ISNT ME RRAAAAAAHHHH. can i run my fingers through her hair? is that something i can do? i dont know

im seriously considering visiting her irl next year if were still close. but im scared to bring it up considering shes heard my voice but i havent really heard hers and again im just so stupid that we havent gotten any closer and FUCK.

^ waow the name of this site?

fuck.

theres something about me thats never going to be what i want

give me what i want

give me what i want

i dont know why i just dont feel better

well thats a lie i do kind of know why but that doesnt mean i know how to fix it

anyways i want to give this site a comment section or something. i want it to be possible for me to go "can i get an F in the chat" and then some rando reading through my problems can type in F

maybe ill make a gform or something

i feel like pulling trig by espyonz

stenny and life and change

i missed the biggest assignment of the month today.

oh also? i dont have honami. i spent a little for her but whatever, right? its not like my plans for my only purpose in 2025 are ruined right?

the only thing that stays the same for me is that it doesnt really get that much better. it sorta does, then it gets bad again, then it sorta gets better, then it gets way worse again, i dont know what the point is

theres always something im holding onto, like my relationship or my video games or i dont fucking know south park? so maybe thats the point

i spent money in pjsk recently bc im allowed to go down and get those google play gift cards on my own. so ive been doing that a lot lately. that makes it a little better but i still dont have honami, and man whats the point of dedicating myself to a commitment if my dedication has no reward

be mentally ill they said itll be fun they said

why am i tweaking this hard over a VIDEO GAME bro

im know its fucking stupid or whatever but project sekai is literally the second or third most important thing to me in the entire world. i care about my girlfriend, project sekai, and then everything else

im putting in so much work in this game because i cant really easily spend real money on it, which means im playing CONSTANTLY to desperately collect enough crystals to do anything. i started playing in june 2024, but i decided in november that i want to tier pretty high in the shiho world link chapter in ensekai. that equals to me dedicating my entire life to this video game all for a few days in july.

i have a google sheet planning every single shiho thats coming out from november until july and so far i have only gained ONE more? im pretty happy with new years bc i have that entire set now (so meiko! USCORER! GOOD FOR TIER!!) but i didnt get a single birthday shiho and im honestly still pissed. because ive been playing obsessively for six months (and im honestly not that cracked) ive already gotten most of the crystals i can. it takes me at least two hours of playing to get one ten pull, and since i s scored every song i have unlocked to try to get birthday shiho its about to start taking longer.

i got to NINETY PULLS. one more ten pull would have at least gotten me one. but it was one am (one hour left in my time zone) and i was left with THIRTY FIVE CRYSTALS. thats the lowest ive dipped since i started playing (usually have between 10k-30k on me). if i played my cards right i would have gotten THREE SHIHOS, and instead was left with zero, and zero crystals. there arent that many opportunities for me to get four star shihos in the future, so taking an L here will honestly affect my tier in july.

im still venting about this because the sanrio collab will end 2 am wednesday for me (11:59 tuesday pst) and i havent opened the game since i fucking crashed out and sobbed over it on tuesday. i havent pulled ONCE on the collab gacha because i was so focused on the shihos i couldnt even get. and guess what. I STIL L DONT HAVE A SINGLE FOUR STAR SAKI. NOT ONE. fuck the support team I DONT EVEN HAVR A MAIN TEAM. ITS ALR JANUARY. by now i wanted to have some semblance of a main team so that i can start deciding which cards i should prioritize my resources for. but what the fuck the only four stars i have of ichika and honami are both pure attribute, i have no sakis, im low on shihos, i dont fucking know what im supposed to do

and this would be my first super high ranking tier if i decide to do this, which means i need to build more connections in the project sekai community by july so that i can either be hosted in a tiering server, host my own, or actually use the tiering channels in larger tiering servers. so yeah thats something else on my task list

notice how this is more important to me than my sat that i have to study for or my potential future (i need to lock in academically because college is my chance to get away from my parents and my life as i know it to fully live as myself) but honestly no project sekai is currently genuinely more important to me.

fucking 27k crystals that i EARNED through SPEED RUNNING IN THREE DAYS and what did i get 480 WISH PIECES AND WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH THAT NOW

so yeah be mentally ill yippeee guau i love my brain and my life :D bro

lets drink bleach together

(this was also all on tuesday! since my major crash out ive also fought with my dad twice?? in a week which is rare + almost threatened one of my underclassmen to genuinely kill himself over a mistake he made :D and i also?? have been too sick to really interact much with my girlfriend and shes pretty busy + going through tough stuff too so yeah what the hell)