#TW ALCOHOL

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everyones favorite boy cant drink anymore because hes finally on sertraline everyone cheered

i think technically. you can drink a little bit. but it heightens side effects and really youre not supposed to. but i keep being like "never again" "never again" "never again" every time so i know i should stop anyway

ive already told everyone that i can commit to not drinking while im on this medication

lets do it i guess. i think its actually been about a year since i first decided that i should not drink while im in a relationship and yeah as for how that year went just look at this website.

i havent drank since??? uh some one time in june who clapped

on the first night i was in japan i was planning to tbh. i was in my own hotel room and the vending machines sold lemon sours (which i have had one time and they are so good. like unironically after having them in jp in summer 2024, the next two times i went were spent foaming at the mouth thinking LEMON SOUR LEMON SOUR LEMON SOUR). like i knew logically it was a bad idea since i was with classmates AND my jp teacher who probably wouldve noticed if i drank a lot and i was jetlagged AND i had a lot of shit to do the next day

whatever

i was out in the city at nite with my classmates and teacher and while walking back i just realized that yeah. im not drinking again. i need to fix this. i actually cant be like this anymore.

ive been placing my relationship and alcohol directly against each other. and i know thats not healthy or anything and that i shouldnt guilt myself like this when i am not a licensed mental health professional but i need to kill this myself. obviously. the same amount of each thing, only one or the other? she wins.

one chance to see her. a single text conversation or a voice message or even the slim chance to really see her someday. id take that over alcohol any time. 

im too scared to fuck around with the ratios when im thinking about this. how many alcohols over relationship experiences i can stack before i crack, its kind of terrifyingly small. but im on the fast track to be an alcoholic as an adult (like generally genetically disposed) and im basically preordering it already so maybe i need to cut myself some slack

thats sort of it

and obviously i havent told her about this. that i picture her as this perfection.

and obviously while ive implied it i STILL havent told her that i drink

like she might read this site and ive been open???ish about it. but we have never talked about it

if youre reading this. you can tell me. or keep it to yourself. i dont mind.

relax everyone im not drinking again for a very long time i hope

im just here to talk about one time that i did

way back in february when i got... i dont fucking know the terms?? tipsy??? and tweeted out a bunch of bullshit about stenny because i had a time where stan x kenny from south park on ao3 was the best thing since sliced bread since i found them while i was drinking and just connected to them so hard like an industrial strength magnet

one of the dumb things i posted was some keysmash about "were so stenny" whatever

actually hang on i found it i actually said "weee so stdbhy" because im pretty sure it was also at least 2 am. when i found it again the next day i understandably had no clue what the hell i was on about but about 6 days later i decoded it and it was "were so stenny bc im such an asshole and shes so busy but i love her and she loves me" which HOLY SHIT

i never posted that i decoded it and i just left that in my drafts (ill go ahead and delete that draft after i publish this but yk) 

i thought about that again because despite being fully sober when im fucking idk mentally ill i just think really hard about stenny. and its sort of  true. i come out of every single crash out with the horrifying realization that im more of a stan marsh kin than i think i am. its like exponential it only gets worse its so bad. just when i think ive reached the end of it theres something else about me thats exactly like this little 10 year old alcoholic peanut.

one of those things is my sunshine. she reminds me of kenny mccormick (which im so sorry if youre seeing this btw bc you probably have no idea what south park is even about and think he looks like an airpod. and he definitely does. please let me cook) in the way that she shines into my life and provides the only essential light i would ever need. what kenny is to stan in these beautifully written fanfictions. and theres some resemblance? i think???? other than that?? i have no fucking clue man. 

in canon in headcanon in EVERYTHING he just cares so much and you can see that he puts every little thing he has towards the people in his life and sometimes it reminds me of her a little. because idk shes the person who i think cares about me the most out of basically everyone. idk its probably a close tie with my parents but they struggle to show it sometimes so i think she wins. 

id have more thoughts about this if i was drunk but i dont think ill be able to do that for a while since there just doesnt tend to be as much alcohol in the house as id like there to be. im being honest when i say genuinely dont drink a lot, and the only reason why i need to be such a yapster about when i do is because i desperately need to pretend im anything similar to other kids my age

thats the other thing. i most definitely also live vicariously through fanon stan (not even canon stan. because hes a fucking fourth grader) because idk man. south park fics are ALWAYS at a house party or drinking or smoking or SOMETHING. i guess its because theyre small town public schoolers and fic writers assume they wouldnt really have anything else to do with their time. or maybe people do still have those huge house parties that i always hoped were just fictional to ease some of the fomo, and its fic thats normal. and one of the dumbest reasons why i hate my tiny ass school despite it overall being a better education is that i will NEVER have that high school experience. its not even like im a loser who doesnt get invited to these things, theres just no way for us to put something like this together and i dont have anyone else. we dont have a school district, so everyone lives too far away from each other to realistically sneak out at night together, plus we just dont have a party culture like that. at all. 

its so stupid bc despite being alr w my school half the time i really think id enjoy a good party. or risk taking experience or more substance abuse or whatever. i hate that drinking has only been something i do to feel more miserable. im genuinely not okay with missing this aspect of life even if i know logically its not good for me, since i think i could have been that type of person. im NOT an introvert i HATE being in my house and i cant stand that i didnt fight my parents even more. i was a fucking coward and now im stuck. in a limbo. what the hell am i supposed to do about that

why did i put this vent in tw alc actually because this is about everything in my life. idk deep down im literally just a little guy and i have a stomach ache and i havent started a 9 page research paper and i just need to hold my girlfriend. so she can tell me shes always here for me or something. and i can . i dont know.

wow not sure what to say

1 i threw up before i could even touch beer? wild considering ive actually drank cooking wine a bunch of times when i was 14 and desperate but whatever, not doing that again just in case

2 i still kinda think my gf is too good for me

3 i missed school today and just slept everything off 

whatever. i was gonna say we lock in 2morow but honestly i dont see myself locking in anytime soon because i have too much beef with myself and my circumstances. im definitely not drinking for a while tho bc throwing up kinda fucked me up

so guess whar shenanigans im planning :P

dont worry i want to kill myself too but thats not what this is abt that would be in the tw sui section 

anyway my mom finished the normal wine which means im having kind of a pregame moment with COOKING WINE it tastes SO BAD on its own bc its sweet its meant to be a seasoning and i mixed it into smth and idk what i expected atp

also im sorry i sound super unsrs abt drinking lately but i honestly have this intense guilt about it everytime and by the way im not gonna be one of those people that are like "but im not addicted i can stop whenever", if shit gets bad i wont be afraid to say it. that shit got bad. but i dont want to get addicted or something dumb because i refuse to rely on anything but myself

i reaaaaaallly hope my girlfriend doesnt lowk stalk my stuff the way i tend to stalk the stuff of ppl i care abt (social media profiles, nothing they dont alr have out in public domain, i am not a stalking expert i just like digging twitter in my free time)- because even tho she hasnt told me directly i have kind of a gist that shes also going through a lot (idk i have notifications on for her accs that ik abt) and she shouldnt have to worry about me. on top of that i know alcohol is probably, no definitely not smth she would be ok with. its not that i dont want her to find out or anything which would be stupid bc im publishing my problems on a google site, but its what i said. i dont want her to be worried and i dont want to make my problems her problems. god shes so amazing. 

anyway i plan to get kinda fucked up tonite im not gonna drink any more than i did like a week ago bc there is noooot that much alc in my house, my mom only drinks casually so theres nothing w a high percentage at home. sometimes i wish i could get my hands on more than just beer and maybe wine but i know thats a slippery slope and i dont want alcohol to be what fucking kills me. 

its honestly because i want some liquid courage to say some stupid shit to my friends. nothing they dont alr know abt me, but i figure i can say whatever the fuck i want if i get sleepy enough from alcohol and blame it on that if they get weirded out. i just need to make sure i dont accidentally message my parents or my gf instead, or tell anyone that doesnt know abt my gf that i have a gf. thats kinda it? ig. i do have school tomorrow but fridays are EXTREMELY lowkey at our school and everyone alr knows i dont sleep well so i can chalk up any drowsiness to just being tired. i have something big due at the end of the day tomorrow too, so i can also blame my tiredness on that.

man what the fuck am i doing, PLANNING to drink not even that much on a THURSDAY when i know i actually have people to live for now. when i understand that if not for me then for her i should look after myself. i was doing SO GOOD. 

this is all stenny's fault /j south park fanfiction is 10000x more fun when youre drinking like the characters ngl maybe i just need to make alcohol more miserable for myself instead and then ill stop

after this weekend ill try to stop forever again. its gonna go badly. why cant i just be okay with it?

update from last night: i did end up drinking a little bit

it wasnt a lot (ive drank more w/o feeling anything) but since ive had an extreme week handling a lot of stuff for school, i was really tired and that sorta brought down my tolerance and i got kinda loopy

i do remember everything i did last night which means my objective failed /j

idk i read a lot of stan x kenny sp angst on ao3 bc i like looking at stan marsh content when i think about alcohol for some reason? maybe its bc im pretty sure im a stan kinnie now and him being a canon alcoholic makes me associate all of those things together. i was on the stan marsh is an alcoholic tag and pretty soon i was on the stan/kenny and angst tags lmaoo

i still have not managed to completely decode the keysmashes i tweeted last night but one of them was something like "were so stenny bc im such an asshole and..." which FUCK? why is that so true why was i kinda spitting bars- 

there were so many stenny fics that were basically stan drinks an unrealistic amount of alcohol that makes me question whether or not the author actually drinks then kenny helps him work through his emotions or both of them just being really traumatized and wholesomely working through it together which uuuufhddfgdfsgdds im not even that much of a shipper/fundan but AAUDSUDHHDS- thats sorta how things always feel for me

and i think it sorta spoke to the guilt i feel about drinking sometimes bc usually the voices in my head are like "they dont deserve someone that drinks" or "they should be with someone better than you" "why are you hiding this" "you said you wouldnt drink anymore because of them" even though realistically i should not be crashing out over a few beers every couple months

but its fine? i guess. im sorry.

i havent drank yet, i still need to shower and shit

its also valentines day?  and man.

the  reason why i wanted to stop with alcohol entirely forever is honestly really sappy and i never want to talk about it

and id say today was  an overall success?? lost some battles but won the war? but HOLY FUCK IM SO TIRED and im american so i have a three day weekend rn, plus im allowed to sleep in until 10

is it okay if i just try to get absolutely fucking wasted tonight?

i dont want anyone to worry about me

especiallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyherespeciallyher

i dont know what i would do with myself if i let her down on a day celebrating our love. my sunshine. i might be way more mentally ill than you realize. idontknowifiwanttoworshipyouornot

anyway cant believe im crashing out this bad before ive even had anything to drink man thats pathetic, plus watch me chicken out and not even drink anything tonight.