The  Christmas  Suicide

The Christmas Suicide

"I wish there was someone to see the world through my eyes," he said.  He kicked the chair away from underneath his feet.  The tightness around his throat.  The struggle for air.  There was none.  A name crossed his mind.  Judas.  The town was silent except for the Courtyard of Pilate.  Jeers and heckling drowning the cheers and cries.  The verdict so clear.  He heard it from nearby.  Following days, in such a haze.  Until the jingling of coins.  With the coming of demons and the guilt of what he did.  He could take no more.  Coins tossed down to feet to those that bought him.  Soon, his day in the Field of Blood.  With his last thought of breath, "I try to do what is right for if not to do right, then it is wrong."  The air changed and down his throat as he felt lifted.  "You, bastard!  What are you doing?"  He heard the knife back and forth.  Down he came.  "How do you know there is a God?  I saw it in her eyes."  "How could you do this on Christmas Day!  She is in the next room."  With the last cut and ripping of the cloth, he came down fast.  Bending over him from his weight, her back and spine.  The pain.  She couldn't hold him long.  Losing his coughing took a short time.  Still bent over, she closed her eyes and tightened her fists.  The pain.  "Sometimes you have to learn to enjoy being loved.  Love comes with a cost."  No, doubt, she was paying the price.  She did have to smile and laugh.  Why she loved him so.  He saw her smile and knew it was OK.  He thought, "Who decides who inspires you?"  He loved her so.  Lower this time, "You, bastard.  Why, today?"  His reply, "Demons have no faces.  Pretty ugly cusses.  They took my love for you away.  No meaning or more in life."  "Not being a fool in life sometimes can be boring.  You ain't boring," as she slapped his face.  "What do I need to do to prove my love?"  "You just did.  I love you, too," he said.  Continuing, "You took away the demons months ago, but last night, they came back with vengeance.  My head hung low.  The thoughts I dare not tell you."  "No, I don't want you to.  No more of the past.  The future is asleep in the next room.  Family is what she needs.  To hell with demons and all that shit.  No, the Christmas suicide won't be.  We will begin your journey to Above Cognitive and beyond and when we stand in front of God it will be two as One and the love of our child being three.  Whatever that nonsense of yours means.  Simply, we will be family with God."

A year went by.  A better family they were.  The demons came knocking at his door the night before His birthday, the Lord's.  They brought Judas and all his guilts and doubts.  His loss of faith of his friend and, most of all, loss of faith of his God, then himself.  He hung himself from a tree.  There he was days on days.  Then, to the land he became.  From light to darkness, he went.  The gold coins of Judas that they, the demons, threw at him became spears and arrows piercing his heart and soul.  The blood on his hands he knew not where it came.  We all have sins.  Darkness took his mind.  Who was he and what was he worth?  With dancing and glee, the demons of no faces smiled their wick smiles.  One more day the Christmas suicide.  He pulled the sheet of the bed close to him.  Ready to rise and leave the bed, he felt something on his wrist.  The softness of her palm and slender fingers; the gentle scratching of her beautiful, long nails grabbed him so hard.  "Sweetheart.  It is all but a dream.  We are One, now and forever.  Above Cognitive.  Go back to sleep.  Tomorrow, the little one and we, family, will celebrate the beginning and end of our journey, Him."  He hugged her close and went to sleep.  They as One.