seeking to be complete
competing with concrete
weak feelings obsolete
yeah I greet the heat
heat meets feet
super sweaty, super steep
feeding beats, I gotta eat
I’m not meek, let thoughts leak
talk is cheap, talk in leaps
into the deep, past the sheep
yeah I weep, it’s for keeps
(see?)
I can’t see, I can’t see
let it seep, let it seep
(let it seep)
yeah that’s me, yeah I keep
cards tucked deep in sleeves
that’s how it be, that’s how it be
turning doubts into beliefs
keep your sheets, I can’t sleep
keep a dream, that’s how I grieve
heat, heat, heat on my feet
(on my feet)
drip so heavy, leaves a streak
talk so heavy, I barely speak
go in headfirst every week
heat, heat, heat when I breathe
sweat it out like a hidden piece
keep cover, I keep learning keys
keep ducking, I keep leaping seats
bleed in streaks, means mean means
ripping seams, I'm in your jeans
inner critics wear my ears
I steer purely, clearly between extremes
all this pressure in my teeth
grinding bones into belief
every loss I ever meet
fertilizer beneath my feats
I was quiet, now I preach
not in pews, but in streets
every stumble, every reach
built this fire under my feet
heat, heat, heat on my feet
(on my feet)
drip so heavy, leaves a streak
talk so heavy, I barely speak
go in headfirst every week
heat, heat, heat when I breathe
sweat it out like a hidden piece
keep cover, I keep learning keys
keep ducking, I keep leaping seats
I greet heat
that’s how it be
I said what I said
or I didn't
check the transcript
I leave before I'm asked to go
call it preemptive growth
call it cowardice if the shoe...
nah, but I did wear through my soul though
now it fits
told her maybe meant I'm in
she heard baby, context thin
I don't clarify the difference
keep the exit equidistant
double back on every claim
never lied just never named
my entire identity
is plausible deniability
yeah, I said I'd handle it, define handle
flames are assumed, I only hold a candle
syntax gymnastics, linguistic jiu-jitsu
if meaning's in the midst then it missed you
I speak three languages now
English, English, and my truth
I just never know which one to use
or which one I used
I'm presently presented with the present tense
never past, never facing consequence
am I here? (are you?)
am I gone? (did you look?)
did I mean it? (does it matter?)
read the room
(not enough room)
I'm the gap between the text
and what you thought I meant
she asked if I left
I said I drove away
she asked what's the difference
I said
depends on the day
on the way I phrase it
on the gray I paint with
on the play I'm making today
(wait, what'd you say?)
(I'm dismayed)
that's the way
(what a game)
was that—
(love?)
or just—
(fear of dying alone?)
did I—
(stay?)
or did you just—
(never let me go?)
witness contradicts the photograph
the photograph contradicts time
time contradicts the feeling
the feeling contradicts...
I said I miss you
...
wait, I meant I missed you
past tense
past life
past the point of
fuck
you heard what you heard
yeah, I'm loyal to whichever version lets me breathe
Schrödinger's confession in a box I'll never peek
they want villain or victims, pick a side
I'm the shoulder and the knife
(I need novocaine, I need to hide)
never this or that, I lean forward past
every answer that I give becomes an ask
you want clarity? define truth
you want honesty? that's cute
I'm not hiding
I'm just selectively revealing
that's not lying
that's concealing
(that's not healing)
ask me point blank
watch my eyes
I'll give you everything you need
to believe your own disguise
I have to stop talking to myself
peek-a-boo, I’m back
face cards, no cap
camera red dot
yeah, they watchin’ that (watch this)
feeling seen with the sheen of a scene
like I’m living in a rerun daydream
Truman on the treadmill, run it in place
smile on my face, mic taped to my fate
say it ain’t so?
nope, same trope, same show
pull up on the pain, hit slow-mo
catch pores on my nose in 4k glow
eyes on my sweat like a spotlight
shirt stuck to my spine, call it hindsight
every drip spell-script, that’s a tag line
turn a panic attack to a punchline (ha)
watch this
watch when I flow, watch when I choke, I just laugh
that’s math, that’s how I split every L in half
turn fear to a flex, turn doubt to a path
you can count every crack, I just count on the craft
watch this
I’m a glitch in your grip, you can’t grab the graph
every frame that you frame, I redraw the graph
watch when I fall, watch when I crawl, then I craft
then I blast, then I bask, that’s math
lens in my lunch, lens in my luck
whole life in a thread, get spun, get stuck
overshare era, I’m the overcast kid
rain cloud fitted, still filming the skids
zoom on my bruise, they gon’ loop that clip
turn my slip to a script, put a price on a blip
but the mic in my fist feel fit like a fist bump
every little lump in my throat get flipped, jump
I was raised on the laugh track, clap track
hurt on a half-stack, cut to a flashback
now I cash back pain, pay bills with the shame
every cringe that I claim put a crown on my name
watch this
watch when I flow, watch when I choke, I just laugh
that’s math, that’s how I split every L in half
turn fear to a flex, turn doubt to a path
you can count every crack, I just count on the craft
watch this
I’m a glitch in your grip, you can’t grab the graph
every frame that you frame, I redraw the graph
watch when I fall, watch when I crawl, then I craft
then I blast, then I bask, that’s math
who’s the joke when the joke get rich? (huh?)
who’s the mark when the mark don’t flinch?
you can circle my sweat on the screen like a quiz
but the question is yours, the answer is this—
watch this
watch when I flow, watch when I choke, I just laugh
that’s math, that’s how I split every L in half
turn fear to a flex, turn doubt to a path
you can count every crack, I just count on the craft
watch this
I’m a glitch in your grip, you can’t grab the graph
every frame that you frame, I redraw the graph
watch when I fall, watch when I crawl, then I craft
then I blast, then I bask, that’s math (watch this)
bloom in frost
nowhere to go
watching gray
lost in snow
from glaciers to bubbles
of metal and heat
suburbs breeding silence
no sound leaves these streets
a great lake out back washes guilt away
a great city sleeping, greatness at bay
a great mess, a great wonder, a great trap
great living in a blank space on the map
privilege isn’t gold or chains
it’s lack of noise
a gentle hum
it’s kids with toys
we know worlds burn
we see smoke rise
but we have good insulation
and tired eyes
bloom in frost
nowhere to go
watching gray
lost in snow
roots deep in rot
fruits so sweet
the Devil thinks
when Heaven speaks
you’re safe and sound
just don’t look down
don’t ask why
a simple life
comes with fragile lies
bloom in frost
nowhere to go
watching gray
lost in snow
we eat heavy here
mac salad, greasy meat
to keep the bitter out
as we die slowly in seats
of a diner that hasn’t changed since '94
"garbage" on plates, we ask for more
while a suit in a Benz
on the way to the Finger Lakes
passes a kid in a hoodie
sick with the shakes
and they wave
because corruption isn't a monster
it’s neighborly here
it pays for silence
it drinks beer
in renovated squares
with statues of glass
reflecting skylines
so you don't look to the past
bloom in frost
nowhere to go
watching gray
lost in snow
but the Genesee remembers
what the concrete forgot
you can polish an apple
but you can’t hide the rot
wash away sin
wash away stains
drink the ale
forget the pain
bloom in frost
nowhere to go
watching gray
lost in snow
I grew up in a crescent they called fatal
where pavement had its own rules and the odds were never stable
where a kid named Lucky lived upstairs and never talked about what happened
in rooms above our ceiling where silence did the smacking
I was ten in a zip code where ten meant almost grown
where the pool was above ground and adults were rarely home
where kids my age smoked weed in lots between buildings
and I laughed with them — it was a different kind of grieving
A different kind of feeling at nearly forty looking back at what was real
back then it was just Tuesday, it was no big deal
football was a grass lot between apartment walls
we didn't need officials, we didn't need calls
we played until the light fled, played until we bled
played because the other choice was going home instead
just because I'm risk averse
don't think I haven't earned these verses
burned these curses, nursed these hearses
rehearsed these bursts before you knew what hurt was
I threw a kid headfirst into the ground, that's a fact
ran up a wheelchair ramp like a racetrack, didn't look back
hockey sticks were weapons, tools, toys, fun—
sometimes the line between a game and a fight is where you run
so I ran home and someone smashed our window out
we smashed their window next time just to restore order, no doubt
or maybe we just smashed them, or maybe there's no order
to the logic of a child living on the wrong side of a border
where there was a junked car in the driveway, and no one claimed it
so we claimed it, so we named it by the damage that we made in it
caved the roof in with our hands like it owed us something personal
bent the doors back past the hinges just to prove metal's worthless, well—
maybe not worthless, maybe it was just the only thing that let us
be as big as what was living in us, be louder than the darkness
that’s why we had an N64 going through a window in the back
through the glass, through the yard — glowing on a different track
old bedframe leaned against a crooked fence, CRT facing that
Mario Kart in an alley where inside met outside
an escape into a world that had a real map
a place where when you got knocked off track you just came back
just because I'm risk averse
don't think I haven't earned these verses
burned these curses, nursed these hearses
rehearsed these bursts before you knew what hurt was
my mother was working in darkness so I could eat
she was fighting something I couldn't see yet
I didn't have the language for addiction at that age
I just knew she loved me in the cracks between days
and sometimes those days were beautiful
and most times we were just two people trying to be full
now they say I’m risk-averse like it's a flaw in my design
like I never learned to leap – I just learned where all the lines are
I've seen what happens when there's nothing left to catch anyone
I'm risk-averse because I've done the math on what’s been broken
because I watched a kid upstairs go quiet and stay quiet
because I know the crescents and the suburbs and the riots
between them that live in me like a novel weather system
shifting — I grew up inside of friction, I earned risk aversion
they see someone measured, someone playing it safe
they don't see the crescent in the lines on my face
they don't see Lucky going quietly upstairs
they don't know that being careful is how I came out of there
I’ve been quiet for weeks, that’s a record, that’s a streak
I no longer speak unless it keeps me off the leash
and the leash is depression wearing a fake smile like a hood
I’ve been so good at being good, I’m misunderstood as calm
I’m as calm as a bomb with a cartoon fuse, explosive in refusal
to use the excuse that I’m damaged, no, I manage my damage
I let defeat repeat itself before I stood up on the seat of the bus
that drove me to this cul-de-sac, the driver’s been gone for years
so now I’m steering through fear with no map, just gaps in my teeth
from grinding in my sleep, from keeping something I can’t name
it’s hot but it’s cold, it’s a story I’ve told so many times
that the words started to mold, and I sold the mold as sculpture
that’s the culture—I’m a vulture on my own carcass, my part in this
a carcass of a carcass, I’m the farthest away I’ve ever been from the start
and it started like a dart hit the heart of a kid and made a scar
that was carved in the dark saying he’d never make it far
welcome to my keep
where I meet grief with belief
then I weep and let grief leave
then I sweep and I sweep and I sweep
yeah, this is my keep
the only room I own in my own home
where I can go without a microphone
where I can be alone when I can't atone
and not be stone, and not be stoned
I have my own family now, I have children with my eyes
she asks me why I sigh, I say "I'm working on it," that's not a lie
but I'm liable for our debt and our family needs a roof
and proof of employment is in a spreadsheet, not a booth
and the truth is that the booth doesn't pay dental bills
and the dental bill is real, and I’m really reeling from the feeling
then the dentist says "you're grinding" and I nod like it's news
but I knew, I know that I'm using my own skull as a fuse
and that grinding is just the rhythm I've been finding in my sleep
finding all the leaps I didn’t leap, the faith I didn’t keep
because I was too busy leasing my own voice to a platform
that pays in exposure—but exposure is like a worm
it'll live inside you, surviving on everything you give yourself
and I gave and I gave, I admit it, but I’m not quitting, I'm just pivoting
toward finding a way to make a living that actually looks like living
welcome to my keep
where I meet grief with belief
then I weep and let grief leave
then I sweep and I sweep and I sweep
yeah, this is my keep
the only room I own in my own home
where I can go without a microphone
where I can be alone when I can't atone
and not be stone, and not be stoned
below me is a foundation that a version of me poured
when he was twenty-four and bored and hated being poor
and swore he'd never ask for help—now I'm asking for seconds
of my own attention, for a mention of the tension I've been lessening
with a weaponized politeness, I've been heightening the crisis
with a quiet riot that I just haven't finished writing
I'm writing it now. I'm allowing the crowd to be one person
who is certain I deserve this, who is working through the same nervous
system failure, the same “I’m okay” when you can't even stand
the same hand on the doorknob, the same "do I stay or run" pause
the same "what have I become" that hums under all the applause
of a video my kids are watching while I’m cooking
while I’m looking at the pan and seeing a man I overlooked
it isn't clean
it isn't impressive
but it's mine, and I'm not done sweeping
welcome to my keep
yeah
chasing after something real in a world full of madness
when the only thing that really seems to matter
is that sweet sound coming from the rafters
I've been running like a madman chasing after all the answers
bank account life support more financial disaster
starving for dopamine but nothing seems to fill the platter
been feeding on some plastic but I'm only getting sadder
we all keep getting fatter off of all these lies we swallow
dreams that feel so fucking hollow paths way too fake to follow
I was lost up in the cross-walk drowning in my sorrow
until I heard the sound that changed my whole tomorrow
got me thinking about this life and what we're really after
caught between these chapters as we try to capture
something that won't shatter as we fracture when disaster
comes knocking at the door like an unwanted pastor
I spent years busting my ass for validation
chasing recreation that led to more frustration
that's when it hit me like a slap to my consciousness
this can't be happiness these are habits I keep practicing
so I've been stepping back taking laps around reality
snapping out of that mentality there can be no cap on clarity
put some stamps on that vanity took a clap for humanity
that's when it shook me suddenly
it's like laughter from life's rafters
newborn joy that's ever after
a pure sound it really matters
when you think everything is a disaster
that first giggle hits different you can't manufacture
that feeling when it gets ya
laughter from the rafters
that's what I'm really after
world full of catastrophe tragedy casually
watching news and asking if we're past the point of savagery
master plans or happenstance energy drained
reality strained gathering some sanity feeling deranged
tried to find peace in a bottle peace in models see
peace in a throttle pushing 180 still always empty
every achievement temporary momentary
celebrated then deflated yeah that's hereditary
then my daughter's first laugh hit like a revelation
no exaggeration it was pure spiritual elevation
no high can compare to the pure state of elation
nothing I ever chased gave me this sensation
no platinum plaque no backslap from the masses
no first-class no fast cash no new classics
just tiny hands and that sound from her soul
had me feeling so full when my cup was so low
it's like laughter from life's rafters
newborn joy that's ever after
a pure sound it really matters
when you think everything is a disaster
that first giggle hits different you can't manufacture
that feeling when it gets ya
laughter from the rafters
that's what I'm really after
beyond the grind behind the glamour
past fame and all the grammar
through pain and through the clamor
lies this truth that hits like hammers
please consider what you're really after
their first smile will make you wonder
why you ever thought that mattered
when all that glitter just gets scattered
for Lily for Kaeladin for laughter intertwined
the greatest treasures any soul could ever find
these moments flee gotta catch 'em while they last
the future is their laughter healing wounds from the past
so chase that laughter
everything else is just a disaster
laughter from the rafters
that's what I'm really after
when past and future collide
when demons of doubt and fear that you hide
become too much of a mountain to climb
when your body is hurting and your soul is too tired
and all you want to do is hide
when your life is filled with stress and chaos
and you know everything isn't right
and bills keep piling up
and your baby is crying
and your lives are on the line
and you still have to find time
and you still have to find time
to love and hope
and heal and cope
and live and laugh
and forgive the past
and work and play
and live another day
and get down on your knees
and pray
when love and lust collide
when you're crying out for help and no one can hear you
and you feel like you just want to die
when you know truth but you keep up the lie
and it eats you up inside
when you feel like your whole life is one big trauma
and you can't run from it no matter how hard you try
when you envy everyone around you
and you don't want to face it
but you know you can't hide
and you still have to find time
and you still have to find time
to love and hope
and heal and cope
and live and laugh
and forgive the past
and work and play
and live another day
and get down on your knees
and pray
been painting portraits inside of the paint
no sinners or saints, just pumping the weight
of “the thing", on the move, as it tears us apart
and how self-defense became state-of-the-art
clean up the glass, see it all clear
(see?)
toast with fate–to the end of fear
(see?)
then shatter the glass down to the floor
(see?)
to keep score where demons soar
(dreams)
movement flows
motion is law
draw attention
draw out flaws
draw up a play
play with fate
be on time, but…
the thing is late
(the thing is…)
trying to... break arcs
trying to… dim sparks
so I’m… so I’m…
trying to… make art
trying with… spare parts
so I… so I…
take a shot… and it starts
(and one)
post up heavy, post up light
guard what’s left, do what’s right
cut through static–what a knife
pivot your feet, that’s life
don’t travel to score
travel to see
the world is on lock
play is key
(be free)
release is peace
movement’s a cure
the swish..
is sincere
(and one)
I’m auditing the structure of integrity
scanning fractures in the spine of my identity
performative, benevolent, masks of serenity
underneath, rotting in obscurity
fragmented, disjointed, incoherent
falsity is parasitic, the sickness is inherent
I speak in dialects and scripts I never wrote
I’ve choked on lies lodged deep in my own throat
I have a mirror but the image is distorted
every noble impulse I ever had has been aborted
by cowardice of comfort, the sedation of the herd
I’m terrified to utter another single honest word
because truth is a scalpel, truth is severance
it cuts through piety, it cuts through reverence
leaves you left bloody with who you really are
a creature full of malice gazing up at stars
if you don't burn them, lies build cells
and pave roads right down to hell
so call the Devil by his name
strike a match, feed the flame
deadwood, dry rot, accumulation
a psyche of tinder waits for incineration
think you’re avoiding pain? Hallucination
you’re adding interest to the devastation
burning is mandatory, suffering is constant
choose sacrifice or living as a respondent
consequence of chaos, totalitarian states
manifesting gulag through things we tolerate
we know where bodies are
we know how to manufacture avatars
a collective psychosis born of individual lies
closing eyes to truth as benevolence dies
so I’m standing, contending with a monster
not the one under the bed, the one I foster
the malevolence inside me waiting for a slip
and it hurts
God, it hurts to let parts of you die
to witness ego shrivel up and vaporize
but look at the alternative
look at what happens when we don't
we make hell
little swallow, little bird
ice is melting, seasons turn
cut through static, give the word
grant us grace from bridges burned
can you hear it?
coming ’round again?
(where have we been?)
let love come rushing in
to wash the spirit clean
of everything we’ve seen
little bird, little bird
(where have we been?)
it catches prayers you never said
heavy thoughts inside your head
it sees the quiet ways you care
when you think no one is there
it’s been collecting every spark
to burn a hole inside the dark
coming ’round again?
(where have we been?)
let love come rushing in
to wash the spirit clean
(where have we been?)
of everything we’ve seen
little bird, little bird
(where have we been?)
follow the calling deep within
let a brand new morning in
little bird
little bird
little bird
little bird