Chapter 9

Chapter 9 - Resources

The majority of this book is about my journey, but I would be remiss if I did not share the tools along the way that have helped with my healing. And I continue to lean into these resources, because the journey isn’t over. 

There’s no magic formula. The overarching theme here is taking time for honest reflection and finding/owning your voice. This can be facilitated in categories I call Safe Spaces to Share, Trusted Experts Who Care, and a Means of Rest and Repair. At the end of this section I’ll also provide a final tool, the practice of Self-Inventory for when your body feels “off”. 

The specifics in each category may look different for you. Here are mine. 

SAFE SPACES TO SHARE

Counseling

First, I got into counseling. I never felt safe sharing personal details with people growing up. My stepmom would get jealous or feel threatened when I tried to make close friends my age or have female mentors older than me. I think she was afraid the truth would come out about some things she told me. I was encouraged to keep family business within the family. But you need to be able to unload your junk onto a qualified professional. (For some of us, we don’t just have baggage, we’re towing a whole cargo ship!) Counseling has helped me identify thought patterns that were unhealthy, helped with my self-acceptance and confidence, and aided me in making decisions when I doubted myself.

Community

Shortly after my hospital stay, I found out about Celebrate Recovery (CR). It’s a church based program to help people heal from any hurt, habit or hang-up. It attracts people from all walks of life, with many different issues, from alcohol addiction, to food addiction; from drug addiction to codependency and grief, etc. It really helped me grieve through the loss of having to break contact with my dad and stepmom, the realization of loss of years of relationship with my mom and her side of the family when I was younger, and the general upside-down feeling of life when I was trying to wrap my mind around how to fully get better. The share groups at the end are a safe place to tell your story, nothing you say is shared outside of the room, and no one judges you. After my first share group, a woman came up to me and told me she had a similar experience as my conversion disorder. I felt heard and validated. (On that note, I’ve come to realize that this condition is much more common than I realized; we need to get the word out!)  I attended for many months in 2018, and I returned a few years later when needing help to work through burnout.

In addition to CR, I began developing deeper relationships with friends. I no longer felt like I had to put on a perfect happy face with everyone. (The three days in 2018 of requiring assistance to use the bathroom broke down some of this girl’s pride!) My friends and family also felt like they could speak freely in ways they couldn’t before. What was freeing for me was also freeing for my relationships; deeper friendships formed.

TRUSTED EXPERTS WHO CARE

Medical Team

Finding a team of doctors and medical professionals, including a qualified counselor and psychologist or psychiatrist, that believe and understand conversion disorder is very helpful. They can help identify the mental health components to your physical symptoms, when applicable. Unfortunately, conversion disorder is not as well recognized by medical doctors as I wish it was, due to its complicated nature. I had a stressful time shortly after my hydronephrosis surgery in which I thought I was getting a secondary urinary tract infection. I had symptoms of urgency and discomfort after voiding that ended up being a sign of stress (conversion disorder). The important thing is that I saw a doctor to rule out a UTI that could have damaged my recently repaired kidney. It is important to make sure no true physical/structural issues are present, but do keep an open mind that sometimes the mind is playing tricks on us and therapy and/or down time may be key. 

I’ve been in physical therapy for my knee this year, and I’ve had the great fortune of getting connected with a PT who is well trained in conversion disorder. While I have some minor structural knee problems, my mental health has also played a role in the duration of my knee pain. My physical therapist has helped me tease apart the physical from mental aspects to my symptoms. 

A MEANS OF REST AND REPAIR

Movement and Mind-Body work

Exercise has been huge in helping calm my mind. But there have been times that cardio or strength training work-outs have made my anxiety worse. In those times, I tend to do quieter, mind-body work and breathing exercises. I’ll go for a walk, practice some Yoga or Qi gong exercises, or simply breathe in and out slowly in a comfortable position. Every body is different, but that is what has worked for me. If I don’t do something active every day, I tend to have more anxiety and feel more trapped in my head. I also tend to have more aches and pains.

Hobbies

Music was special to me as a kid, but when I started college, I didn’t spend as much time on music or other hobbies. When I first became a vet, I taught myself how to play guitar, and although I never got very good at it, playing that guitar was very therapeutic up to and after my diagnosis of conversion disorder. I still battle some back and shoulder aches from time to time, so I now sometimes play a smaller instrument, the ukulele. 

Gardening became very therapeutic for me in 2020. Something about being closer to nature, nurturing the seeds in the soil, and watching things grow really helps ground me. Some garden years have been big, in which I’ve experimented with a lot of new things and many plants didn’t grow or the insects killed them. Other years have been a laid back Darwinian experience– let the strongest survive! This year was one of those. I planted some easy to grow plants that tend to take care of themselves, because my knee hurt too much during planting season to manage much.

Cooking has always been a pleasure for me, but during times that I’ve been anxious and achy, cooking can feel like a chore, even if healthy food does a body good. So one of my hobbies has been checking out cookbooks from the library and simplifying and adapting recipes to my own interests. This also connects my love of plants, since I incorporate herbs and vegetables into my cooking. Throw in some singing while I’m sauteing, and it feels like a perfect trifecta!

OTHER TOOLS

Self-Help Books

I’ve probably forgotten some of the great books I’ve read over the years, but I’ll attempt to list some of the really impactful ones here.

Thomas, Shannon. Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse. MAST Publishing House, 2016.

Scazzero, Geri and Scazzero, Peter. I Quit!: Stop Pretending Everything is Fine and Change your Life. Zondervan, 2010.

Scazzero, Peter. Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: Unleash a Revolution in your Life for Christ. Integrity Hub, 2006. 

Ozanich, Steven Ray. The Great Pain Deception: Faulty Medical Advice is Making us Worse. Waterside Productions, 2020.

Colbert, Don. Deadly Emotions: Understand the Mind-Body-Spirit Connection that can Heal or Destroy You. Thomas Nelson, 2020.

Aaron, Elaine. The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. 

Citadel Press, 2013.

Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to say No, to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan, 2017.

Stanley, Andy. Enemies of the Heart: Breaking Free from the Four Emotions that Control You. Multnomah, 2011.

How to Perform a Self-Inventory When Your Body Feels “Off”

Disclaimer: I am not a (human) medical provider. When in doubt, seek medical attention. This book is not intended as a replacement for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment by a qualified professional.

A few times I’ve had flu-like symptoms that went away within hours without treatment, once I reflected and chose to set a necessary boundary or make a difficult choice I had been avoiding. 

I even experienced a back pain flare while writing some of the more challenging passages in this book, but recognizing it for what it was, I was able to quickly reign it in. How did I do it?

Again, no magic formula, but whenever my body feels off I ask myself a series of questions:

Where do I hurt or feel sick? Can I identify a physical reason for this ailment? If my back hurts, I might ask if I lifted something heavy or worked out harder than usual. If I feel like I am coming down with the flu, I might consider if I’ve been around anyone else with the flu recently.

If no logical physical reason can be found, I keep an open mind and dig deeper. 

Is there anything I am stressed about right now? This could include worry over a sick family member, a relationship conflict, or an upcoming deadline at work. It might also be an anniversary of a difficult event, or the birthday of someone no longer in my life.

To reduce the impact of this stressor, are there any actionable steps I can take?

If my back hurts and I think it may be related to a relationship conflict, can I safely engage with the other person? If so, have I taken responsibility for my part in the conflict? This could include apologizing, if applicable, or sharing with the other person how the conflict makes me feel. If I cannot safely engage or the other person involved is no longer alive, I need to work on releasing what is outside of my control. A psychologist friend of mine likes to say that (aside from dependents) we are only responsible for what is inside our hula hoop. Moving our bodies, having hobbies, and creating friendships that bring us joy can really help to release what is beyond our control.

There are additional considerations. Have I said yes when I should have said no, such as overcommitting to things on my calendar or to-do list, leaving no room for margin?

Am I falling back into a trap of people-pleasing, giving too much weight to how other people view me? 

Is there any part of my life in which I feel unfulfilled, and if so, what steps could I take toward fulfillment? This could be working on a certification, planning a trip, or learning a new skill.

If I’m feeling lonely, have I been the kind of friend toward others that I’d want to have? If you want a friend, be a friend.

Here’s a test. Could I go off to a quiet place alone right now, without my phone or other distractions, and be content with myself as I am?

A shorter version of this exercise could be summarized in one sentence: Am I at peace with God, myself, and others (as far as it depends on me; Romans 12:18)?