Chapter 5

Chapter 5- The Sky is Blue

I was offered a spot at Ross University School of Veterinary Medicine, in St. Kitts (the Caribbean), and I gratefully accepted! I had a shot with Iowa State, but for several reasons declined an interview. Perhaps I was subconsciously allured by the idea of getting far away to another country, and attempting to feel free again, like I did during high school graduation. Undergrad had gotten me down, and this was my chance. 

I remember taking a walk on the sidewalks near my apartment that last year of my Masters degree. I had been working two jobs most of that year, completing my Masters courses, and trying to find myself again. As I was walking, I prayed, and I felt like God told me, “I’m going to send you to St. Kitts, and it’s going to change your life.” 

And it did, very slowly. My inner loneliness followed me there, and I still was only a B average student, but I began to realize that if I could make it in another country, I would probably be okay in life. I still called home a lot, but I felt a slowly growing sense of independence. I still felt very unsure of myself professionally. I felt behind my classmates technically, for good reason, as many of them knew they wanted to be veterinarians since they learned to walk and had spent years working in vet clinics. But I was finally nearing the end of my academic journey, and I was ready for it. 

Four years passed slowly and quickly all at the same time. That last year, the clinical year, is a bear to deal with, but I made it through, tired, and at times probably depressed, but almost done! Graduation neared and it was time to decide where I wanted to live. I used to think I’d always stay in Florida, but I felt a strong pull toward South Carolina. I applied and almost immediately was given a verbal offer on a job in Myrtle Beach. I was beyond thrilled! 

My good fortune didn’t last, however, because the job offer was retracted a week later.  Management realized the economy would not allow the veterinary corporation to open that second Myrtle Beach location after all. I was pretty devastated. There were no other good leads in the state for a new grad, who in 2012 was starting a career shortly after an economic recession.

I prayed, “Lord, I only ask for two main things in where I land a job. Please don’t send me where it’s cold, and please don’t send me to a big city.” So I got 50% of my list when I landed in Houston, Texas! It wasn’t what I had hoped for, but the job had great benefits, and I ended up with a fantastic mentor who I keep in touch with to this day. 

The inner loneliness followed me, although you wouldn’t see it through my smiles. Work was difficult, I was insecure, and I was also experiencing work politics for the first time. You need to see more patients and work faster, I was told. It is true that I wasn’t the fastest new vet around, and the pressure ate away at me again. I wasn’t “enough”-- fast enough. To add insult to injury, one of my managers, who was trying to advance up the corporate ladder, lied about me to make herself look good. All while I was struggling to keep up with demand. The stress of not feeling good enough, and the homesickness, as well as the bad work hours got to me. I again lost weight, looking frail and sunken-faced. I realized this place just wasn’t a good fit anymore. 

After two years of sticking with it, I prayed about where I would end up next. I thought I wanted to live near the water, and in a town built on southern hospitality. I again felt drawn to South Carolina. My dad and stepmom had always dreamed of retiring in Charleston, and I found myself drawn to it, too. How much of it was to make them happy, and how much of my decision was for my own desire to live there, I’m really not sure. Surprisingly, I was offered a job by the same man who had to retract his offer for that Myrtle Beach clinic two years prior. He remembered me and didn’t even require an interview. I was hired on the spot, over the phone! 

And in two weeks, I was packing up to leave Houston. My stepmom graciously offered to fly in and pack up my apartment while I worked my last few shifts. Then my dad and grandfather arrived later to pack up a moving truck, and we drove from Texas to South Carolina, my cat meowing the whole way of the split two day journey. (I would later meet my husband in Charleston, and that’s where the rest of the story began.)

And my move highlighted an important feature in my life. Among the dozens or more lies I had been told about my mom growing up, were hundreds of good things that happened. So many that I never thought there was an inner world that I hadn’t seen. I had moved countless times in college prior to this move from Texas. And my dad and stepmom were always there, sweating it out in the summer heat, packing and unpacking the moving truck. 

When my college scholarships didn’t quite cover my monthly expenses, they were there to wire some money to make up the difference. My dad was the kind of man when I was growing up that drove an hour each way to a rental car place to retrieve a stack of treasured music CDs I had left under the seat of one of their cars. My stepmom was the kind of person to help me put on an extravagant Christmas party at my college apartment prior to moving to St. Kitts, so I could have a great memory with friends before my move. 

There were so many instances like this and positives along the way growing up, so you can see why I had no reason to question them or their motives, the normality or sanity of the controlling way I was raised, or to believe anything about my mom other than what they had told me. 

When I was about four years old, my stepmom told me one of the most comforting things anyone could tell a person. I had started questioning the validity of Santa very young, and she told me the truth about him, because as she put it, she “would never lie to me”. That safety net stayed with me my whole life, and I felt secure in that statement “I will never lie to you.” All the while, she used that statement to mask manipulation and innumerable mistruths. She had already lied and manipulated many times prior to even making that statement!

So what was the lie that shocked my world the most?

I had been told that my mom was unfaithful to my dad, cheating on him with various men, and that her infidelity had been the demise of their marriage. 

Truth: My stepmom, an amateur model in the late 80s, set her sights on marrying my dad when they first met at a community college class. He was enticed by her looks and personality, and began (an initially only) emotional affair. My mom and dad separated as a result. 

I was told my dad tried to reconcile with mom and she declined.

Truth: My mom declined at the time because she knew my dad was still seeing my now stepmom during his “attempted reconciliation”. I had told someone months prior as a three year old that I had just “met my new mommy”. 

Boom! The thought resounded and echoed like a roar of thunder. You mean their lying didn’t suddenly begin two years ago when they made things up about David so I would leave him, since they were losing control of me? You mean it’s been a pattern of lying for decades? What more do I believe that is false? What kind of people are they, really?

You mean my mom wasn’t an unfaithful wife, a neglectful mother, OR a liar all these years? You mean that the people who raised me in church and promised to never lie to me, built their marriage on a foundation of the very lies and infidelity on which they accused my mother? 

Is the sky really blue? 

Because when I discovered these truths and so many more (that I could not fit in this book), it was as though someone told me the sky was actually blue after believing it was green my whole life...And my perspective shifted 180 degrees.

The resentment I felt for my mom was melting away. The insecurities I felt about myself since childhood--because of the learned helplessness and control I endured from my narcissistic stepmom, who even made me fold my underwear in a certain way--began to fade. 

I began to take the first steps on a journey of healing and to becoming whole.