Chapter 3

Chapter 3 - Conversion Disorder

It all hit me like that figurative ton of bricks. My dad and stepmom. IT ALL STARTED TO MAKE SENSE. 

Less than 2 weeks before my joint pain resurged and my tremor began, my dad and stepmom visited. These were the Christian people who had loved me and raised me well but in the last 2 years had inflicted upon me the most significant and deepest pain of my life. Pain I thought I had dealt with and found closure from. Emotional pain.

My back pain started around the one year anniversary of my parents rejecting David. A little background is needed: David and I met online in August 2015. I had not seriously dated anyone in over a decade. When I met David, I fell instantly for him. I pretty much knew by our second date that he was the man I had prayed for. We started planning our life together, talking about how soon we could get married and where we would live. My dad and stepmom were uneasy watching their then 31 year old “little girl” get so serious so quickly with a guy. I continued to pray and I continued to get confirmation from the Lord that David was the man I’d prayed for. 

One day I had a conflict with David. Because I was inexperienced in relationships, I let it slip to my parents before I talked to David about it. They lost their minds and everything went downhill from there. David and I quickly got over our conflict, but they did not. They un-invited him from coming to Florida for family Christmas. They told me they had done a background check on him and found out some things. But they wouldn’t tell me what it was. When I refused to go to Florida if the man I love wasn’t invited, and when I told them I didn’t want to talk to them for a few days, they accused me of walking away from the family. They spread lies on both sides of the family about him. They texted David, referring to him as an “enemy”. They played mind games, sending me expensive Christmas gifts but refusing to talk to me when I called on Christmas. I sent them a letter about how I felt boundaries needed to take effect between them and me, and how whom I marry is between me and God. They didn’t like that-- they taught a Boundaries class at church in the 90s, but they did not like boundaries being used on them. 

We went months without speaking. They told me during a phone call on Good Friday, a month before our wedding, that David would hurt me, we would get divorced, and any kids we had would have to go through pain. Still, they did not tell me what “dirt” they had on him. They didn’t come to the wedding despite being encouraged to come on four different occasions, through text, phone calls, or letters. Because of this, only one person on my dad and stepmom’s sides of the family would accept our wedding invitation. (We found out years later, it was because my dad and stepmom threatened to never talk again to anyone who attended our ceremony. Wow!)

Despite all of this, the wedding was beautiful, and I had the greatest peace from God that I was making the right decision. 

Six months passed, and I’d had enough with my dad and stepmom. The holidays of 2016 approached. David saw my emotional pain return. He called them and left a voicemail, asking if they’d like to come visit us for Christmas. They ignored his call. I lost patience. I called them and told them that the ball was in their court. Their behavior is what was keeping us apart and they needed to accept that David is a package deal with me now. You can’t pretend he doesn’t exist. They refused. 

My stepmom’s dad died a few months later. Her brother was hospitalized for liver failure and died soon after. Two funerals, three long drives with David down to Florida to support my grieving family. No change. Just hate. From supposed Christians.

Time went on. David and I continued to do well, but my inner pain continued, and my physical pain began. In retrospect, the back pain flares in the last 2 years always occurred around Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, Mother’s Day and sometimes my stepmom’s birthday in October-- all times I knew I’d have to interact with them. 

In late January 2018, my dad and stepmom came to visit. I’d emailed and called my dad a few weeks prior, letting him know that they had inflicted upon me the deepest pain of my life, and that every time I saw a sweet dad and daughter relationship on TV, I would cry. That I wished he’d walked me down the aisle. That David is a good husband and they should accept him. That I wanted things to get better, but that I needed an apology to move forward, to heal emotionally. He told me that couldn’t happen over the phone. So they planned on flying up in January to see us. As mentioned earlier, January was the least painful I’d been in a year and a half. In retrospect, David says he thinks it’s because I was anticipating finding closure over this painful period in my life. I was expecting an apology and remorse so we could move on.

The visit came. They did not apologize. They sat in our home and continued to pretend they had “dirt” on David. They continued to look down on him as a lesser person.

I was so proud of David. He is usually the bold one and I am more passive. He had prayed up before their visit, and God gave him strength not to fight back by getting into an argument. Meanwhile, he let me squeeze all my anger into his hand as he held mine during this encounter with them. They left Greenville, proud of themselves for coming and satisfied in their self-righteousness that they had started to speak with David whom they don’t think deserves their time. I resigned myself to the fact that they aren’t the people I thought they were, and I planned to speak with them as little as possible. 

Within weeks, my back and joints began to hurt severely, and in March came the sudden tremors and difficulty walking and speaking.

Which brings us back to the present. All of the pain from my dad and stepmom came to a head after the January visit, I explained to the speech therapist now in the hospital room with David and me. I was standing. She told me to take my hand off of the walker. I stood firmly, no shaking or stuttering. She handed me a piece of paper and pointed to a paragraph for me to read. I did, without hesitation or stuttering. With a triumphant swipe of his hand, David yanked away the walker. “You don’t need this anymore”, he said. I told him I had to use the bathroom, which I did, without a walker, without shaking, and with perfect speech. Exhilarated, he pumped his fists in the air and we both knew I was healed! 

By the time they had me do a telemedicine appointment with a psychiatrist a few minutes later, the doctor asked where my stutter was. I told him, it’s gone! We figured it out. He asked a few more questions and found that my body responds differently than other people to stress (I now call it trauma) and that it had manifested itself as a neurologic condition. 

I had found my healing. I had the man of my dreams right beside me. I walked out of the hospital with David by my side, thankful to God, and grateful for the family and friends who’ve stood beside us. Thank you, Jesus!

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”   Proverbs 4:23 NLT

“The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” John 10:10 NLT