Growing up wasn't easy, I had many experiences that most children do not have and I was never able to truly face this trauma in a healthy way.  I was emotionally and mentally abused by my mother and step father. My father was constantly in and out of my life and once he offered to give up his parental rights to me just so he wouldn't have to pay child support. The house I grew up in was constantly a mess, so much so that we had various types of pest bugs that are hard to get rid of and to this day I dont know if they ever fully got rid of them. I watched my step father physically abuse my mother, both of them would physically and verbally abuse my great grandmother when she lived with us, and because of my health issues my mother would constantly blow my symptoms out of proportion so that we could get medication for it despite the fact that I never ended up needing it. 

When I was younger I was diagnosed with acute tachycardia This meant that my heart would constantly skip beats, flutter, and caused me to pass out at times. I was put on medication for this to help lessen the effects but my mother didn't make sure I was taking them consistently and eventually she just stopped giving them to me. Then when actual issues arose she didn't do what was needed to help me get better. 

Throughout my time in my mothers household, my mom (my aunt at the time) was my rock keeping me grounded. She had caught onto my mothers inability to care for a child when I was around 8 months old and started the process with our local child protective services in order to make my mother take classes, eventually leading to her being able to properly care for me. During this time my mom gained paternal visitation rights as my father wasnt around. This meant every other weekend and every other holiday I would spend with her. This allowed me to see what life should be like and how my mothers ways were wrong. Of course I didn't understand this at the time due to how young I was, but looking at it all now I am forever grateful for my mom. 

Around the time I turned eleven, my father decided he wanted to be in my life. My mother allowed this and because I was still young I was excited and nervous. I hadn't known him throughout my life and suddenly he wanted to know me. I soon found out it was because he was getting married and wanted to show me off. He had said to me that he wanted to show me to his fiancée's family. Hearing that had really hit me hard, because it showed me that he didnt actually care to make a relationship, but to show to his new family that he "cared" about me. I didn't go to his wedding but I did still attempt a relationship with him. A few years later he had another child, a son this time. While I was happy for another sibling, I did hold partial resentment, especially when he had a third child. He stayed for them. He didn't abandon them and leave two states away, and they get to grow up with him in their life. I almost got to have that when he came back, and for a while I did have that. Almost 8 years I got to visit him in Tennessee and do fun activities with him and his family. It was an amazing time then. However that all ended in 2020, when my mom and I made the decision to have her adopt me after years of asking her to. 

Back in 2016, when I was fourteen, I stood up to my mother and told her I wanted to live with my mom, not jut visit. She did end up reluctantly agreeing and the visitation order flipped. This hadn't originally affected my father. I kept the same visitation with him and my mom had even paid for me to be able to fly out to Tennessee to see him. When 2018 hit I fully cut my mother out. Changing the visitation schedule just made things worse for me at her house and there came a point when I just couldn't handle it anymore. I dont remember exactly how it happened, but one day I was there and the next I didn't go back. I tried to keep contact with my siblings, to explain to them why I had to be gone. My mom and I had even tried to bring them with me, but my mother wouldn't allow that as they both provided paychecks to her and her husband. 

I still attempted to keep contact with him, however in 2022 I came to the realization that while I made sure to message on every birthday and every holiday, he had made no such effort, neither had his wife. So I decided not to message and see what happened. This realization came around my birthday and Christmas so it felt more appropriate than for just a random holiday. I never received a happy birthday from him that year. Two days after my birthday his wife messaged me saying she was with her daughter because of an infection and he had messaged asking how I was doing. I didn't respond to their messages Then nearly a week later she had messaged, excusing herself for missing the message date because she wasnt keeping track of the dates. How her son had to remind her about Christmas happening three days from then. Once again I did not message back. I didn't feel like I should have to message back to make her feel better about missing an important date for me as that's what the messages felt like. She was texting with an apology and a reason why that had more of a 'poor me' feeling than an actual apology. 

In 2023, my father wished me happy birthday on time and mentioned how he was watching my posts but he had never made an attempt to talk to me about my accomplishments. His wife had sent a happy birthday, wishing it to be a great one, again I did not message. Sometimes I do think about messaging them back, explaining why I didn't respond, but then I remember that aside from those messages we never talked between 2022 and 2023. And there has been no attempt since. Therefore I feel there is no need to respond as it would only make me feel worse.

In 2020 my mom and I talked in depth about me wanting her to adopt me. I wanted my mothers last name gone and wanted there to be absolutely no connection between her and I except for past post that had my name. We spent a good three or four months deciding on what my new name, and after many different tries we came up with the finalized name of Quinn. I kept my middle name, it was my great grandmothers middle name and I wanted to keep a part of her with me as she passed in 2019. With this decision I had felt it important to tell my father despite the anxiety of how he would respond. At first he acted like he was okay with it, but as the time for the adoption and name change closed in he started responding with dryer and dryer texts. We weren't talking as much as before and no matter how many times I assured him I wasn't doing it as an attack at him, that I just wanted her gone, he never changed his mind. 

When I graduated in 2021, I think I cried the hardest I ever have. I never thought I would graduate high school because my biological family either didn't graduate r they barely did. The next time I cried that hard was when I received my acceptance email from BGSU. It was the only college I applied for and since I didn't think I'd graduate high school, I definitely never thought I'd make it to college. Now that I am here I have had plenty of time to think about my life and what events helped to shape me into the person I am today. While it still hurts immensely, I think my rough upbringing actually played a big part in how I am able to deal with situations now and know how not to act when it comes to being a functioning member of society and hopefully a mother in the future