The all-time worst, Hallmark Card of the Month dumbass “arguments” against suicide, annotated

One of my earlier writings, it's both sardonic and sincere.

“Suicide is selfish”

Basically a guilt trip for someone who’s probably already feeling guilty enough, thanks.  However, the basic idea is true: suicide is nothing if not selfish.

“Just wait—you’re bound to feel better soon”

An irrelevant assumption.  Given enough time, you may indeed feel better, albeit momentarily or superficially.  Then again, maybe you won’t.  At the deepest of levels, “feeling” one way or another might not even be the issue if your suicidality is symptomatic of something other than depression (e.g., an innate aversion to life; or complications of a neurological condition like autism). 

“Think of how you’ll be hurting the people who love you”

Another shameless exercise in guilt-tripping that’s effective to the degree that it’s true: it's statistically probable that you do have at least one person who’ll be devastated by your suicide.

“Suicide is for cowards”

This is at once the most familiar statement against suicide, and the most illogical and slanderous.  The basic gist of it is that living takes courage, therefore to reject life is cowardly.  However, not only is living driven much more by innate survival programming and inertia than by courage, but since it’s universally acknowledged that it’s natural to fear death, it follows that a person who actually willed themselves to die in spite of their natural fear would be anything but a coward. Basically, "suicide is for cowards" is an ad hominem attack with a knee-jerk quality that reeks of reaction formation. (Translation: it’s said by people whose own fear and insecurity are triggered by the idea of suicide.)

“Think of all the people and experiences you won’t live to enjoy”

But if you are so miserable that you’re seriously thinking of ending your life, you probably aren’t “enjoying” much of anything now anyway.  Why should that magically change in the future?  Basically the same as the “just wait” argument above.

“There’s so much to live for!”

This is just a simplified version of the previous statement above.  It’s a jarringly trite statement that has absolutely no meaning or relevance to someone in the throes of an agonizing existential crisis.

“It’s not that bad!”

Really?  Gee, thanks for letting me know.  I thought it was that bad, but your deep insight and sublime intuitive understanding of my state inspires me to carry on with pride, strength and vigor.  Thank you!  (I rarely indulge in sarcasm, but this one deserved it.)  Basically, just more flowery tripe.

“What you really want is relief from your suffering 

but if you’re dead you won’t be able to feel relief”

This one struck me as so asinine that I could hardly believe it when I first read it, and thought it was a joke.  It's no different from saying “what you really want is relief from your fatigue, but if you go to sleep you won’t be able to feel relief.”  But sleep is the relief.  The point is that if death were oblivion, one wouldn’t be there to feel anything, which is exactly the aim: rather than an experience of relief, the complete absence of all experience would be the only guaranteed relief.  Another problem with the statement is it fails to recognize that many suicide attempters have already tried many forms of relief, to no avail.

“Life is a gift from God”

An old standby hobbled by various problematic assumptions.  That said, there’s actually a kernel of non-theistic, esoteric truth here, but it’s obscured by the specious scrim of religious propaganda.

“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”

Of all the bumper sticker slogans here, this may actually be the least egregious, though it’s still overly reductionistic and dismissive of the “problem.”  I have to admit to getting a macabre kick out of imagining a Buddhist or Hindu variation on this one as “Suicide: a temporary solution to a permanent problem.” Ironically, this latter variation is not only amusing, but conveys a profound possibility that’s actually the most compelling of all arguments against suicide. 

_________________________

Note that several of these so-called “arguments” were taken (ca. 2002) from a purportedly helpful, but now thankfully long defunct, website offering fluffy kittens and rainbows and a list of reasons not to kill oneself.