Some playful old work emails
During my six years as a truck driver for a large Food Bank in a major city, I also filled in as a dispatcher from time to time. One of the things this entailed was composing a delivery schedule for myself and the other drivers, which I would email to various department heads the day before. Probably thanks to some combo of boredom and the fact that I had an audience, I found my emails (but not the schedules that were attached) getting playful and even hyperbolically goofy most of the time. The series that follows is reproduced in random order, but verbatim, including the various fonts originally used.
G’day,
Back by popular demand, it’s the Limited First Edition of the Driver Delivery Schedule for Tuesday, April 23. Behold its awesome uniqueness.
P
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Greetings,
Please exercise extreme caution when opening the attached document. I cannot be held responsible for any blown minds or catatonic amazement resulting from the careless or unprepared reading of this doc.
Thanks,
P
From: DR
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2007 7:13 AM
To: PL
Subject: Re: Driver Delivery Schedule 5/29/07
P – The warning freaked me so I did not open the doc. Thus I disavow any knowledge of your possible actions. – DR.
D., you are both wise and, thanks to your prudence, healthy as well. – P
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Greetings and Salutations,
Here it is: the uncut, unrated, and totally amazing routed delivery schedule for Monday, January 8. Enjoy!
Also, I will be handing back these duties to Nick (a.k.a., ol’ Saint Nick, Nick-Nack-Paddy-Whack, etc.), who’s been out sick all this week. Any questions about the schedule? Don’t hesitate to ask Nick.
Ciao!
P
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[This next email got me in trouble, because my use of the term ‘sexual arousal’ in the fine print part was deemed inappropriate by at least one recipient (which, in retrospect, I somewhat agree with). It was suggested by my supervisor that I issue an apology—which I did, albeit in my own wry manner (below).]
Introducing the new, doctor-recommended, extra-strength HFB Driver Delivery Schedule, May 11. For the temporary relief of minor confusion and disorientation related to HFB deliveries. Taken as directed, goes down smooth, does not upset the stomach.**
** Consult your supervisor before use. Avoid reading on an empty stomach. Not for use in conjunction with any other HFB document. Possible side effects include giddiness, mild euphoria, and sexual arousal. Discontinue use if rash develops or confusion worsens.
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My dear fellow Hunger-Fighters:
It has recently been brought to my attention that my occasional playful delivery schedule emails might actually be getting read, rather than quickly and unceremoniously deleted, as I’d naturally assumed. This is just shocking. Moreover, it appears that some of you may not share my sense of humor. This is…not so shocking. Given that it’s debatable whether I actually possess a sense of humor, the fact that some of you are not amused by my regrettable attempts at being funny probably means you are quite sane and normal.
Seriously though, if something in my most recent strained attempt at levity seemed to some of you to cross a line of decency, decorum or professionalism, I sincerely apologize. I never intended to offend anyone, and there’s not a single one of you for whom I don’t have the utmost respect. Okay, maybe there’s one. (Just kidding, Nick.) I promise to strive to keep my future email ramblings as mild as milque toast and as inoffensive as a Sunday School sermon… Wait a minute—was that a religious reference? Gosh darnit, first the ‘s’ word, now the ‘r’ word. At this rate I’ll soon let slip with the ‘p’ word (politics) and alienate the remaining seventy-odd Food Bankers. My days here may be numbered, people.
So my solemn vow to you, my most esteemed and long-suffering colleagues: henceforth, my emails will be completely free of any explicit or implied references to ‘s’, ‘r’ or ‘p.’
Also, to the inevitable question “why is this dummy emailing e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e at the Food Bank about this?” my answer is: because rumor travels faster than email. With my questionable little missive having apparently gotten more than the usual airplay, I don’t know who’s heard what at this point, so I’m covering all my bases.
Which, incidentally, gets me thinking: In light of my developing “bad boy” rep at the Food Bank, and given the perennial popularity of controversy, perhaps I might offer my goofy little delivery schedule emails to all my friends and neighbors here at HFB on a totally free subscription basis. Hmm, email me for details.
Yours humbly and contritely,
PL
HFB Truck Driver and comedic author manqué
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Greetings all,
I come to you this morning with love and with blessings and as I do so, I just want to say that I feel I have been completely rehabilitated. I believe I can say confidently that this delivery schedule email is as pure as untrodden snow and virtually humor-free to boot.
So, “Please find attached the delivery schedule for…” etc. etc.
Thank you for allowing me to serve you.
P
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Folks,
With a date like 07/07/07, you know this delivery schedule has to be cool. Plus, like, I’m actually on it. So look out.
P
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Beautiful People,
Well, the date’s not nearly as cool, and I’m not even on this one… so you’ll pardon me if I have to willfully manufacture the usual degree of enthusiasm for the Driver Delivery Schedule for Monday, 07/09/07.
Then again, as I look at it I realize that this little gem is beautiful in its own way. Yes, I think I can love this one, too.
P “you-can-tell-it’s-Friday-and-I’m-barely-hangin’-on” L
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Hello and Welcome!
Nick is out today, and of course, I’m “out to lunch” anyway—so all I have to say is: It’s back, it’s big, and it’s beautiful. That’s right, it’s the Driver Delivery Schedule for Tuesday, June 12, 2007.
May it bestow on you all those things that I wish for you with all my heart.
P
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