Reflections & Ponderings - Some playful old work emails

Some playful old work emails

During my six years as a truck driver for a large Food Bank in a major city, I also filled in as a dispatcher from time to time. One of the things this entailed was composing a delivery schedule for myself and the other drivers, which I would email to various department heads the day before. Probably thanks to some combo of boredom and the fact that I had an audience, I found my emails (but not the schedules that were attached) getting playful and even hyperbolically goofy most of the time. The series that follows is reproduced in random order, but verbatim, including the various fonts originally used.

G’day,

Back by popular demand, it’s the Limited First Edition of the Driver Delivery Schedule for Tuesday, April 23. Behold its awesome uniqueness.

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Greetings,

Please exercise extreme caution when opening the attached document. I cannot be held responsible for any blown minds or catatonic amazement resulting from the careless or unprepared reading of this doc.

Thanks,

From: DR

Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2007 7:13 AM

To: PL

Subject: Re: Driver Delivery Schedule 5/29/07

P – The warning freaked me so I did not open the doc. Thus I disavow any knowledge of your possible actions. – DR.

D., you are both wise and, thanks to your prudence, healthy as well. – P

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Greetings and Salutations,

Here it is: the uncut, unrated, and totally amazing routed delivery schedule for Monday, January 8. Enjoy!

Also, I will be handing back these duties to Nick (a.k.a., ol’ Saint Nick, Nick-Nack-Paddy-Whack, etc.), who’s been out sick all this week. Any questions about the schedule? Don’t hesitate to ask Nick.

Ciao!

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[This next email got me in trouble, because my use of the term ‘sexual arousal’ in the fine print part was deemed inappropriate by at least one recipient (which, in retrospect, I somewhat agree with). It was suggested by my supervisor that I issue an apology—which I did, albeit in my own wry manner (below).]

Introducing the new, doctor-recommended, extra-strength HFB Driver Delivery Schedule, May 11. For the temporary relief of minor confusion and disorientation related to HFB deliveries. Taken as directed, goes down smooth, does not upset the stomach.**

** Consult your supervisor before use. Avoid reading on an empty stomach. Not for use in conjunction with any other HFB document. Possible side effects include giddiness, mild euphoria, and sexual arousal. Discontinue use if rash develops or confusion worsens.

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My dear fellow Hunger-Fighters:

It has recently been brought to my attention that my occasional playful delivery schedule emails might actually be getting read, rather than quickly and unceremoniously deleted, as I’d naturally assumed. This is just shocking. Moreover, it appears that some of you may not share my sense of humor. This is…not so shocking. Given that it’s debatable whether I actually possess a sense of humor, the fact that some of you are not amused by my regrettable attempts at being funny probably means you are quite sane and normal.

Seriously though, if something in my most recent strained attempt at levity seemed to some of you to cross a line of decency, decorum or professionalism, I sincerely apologize. I never intended to offend anyone, and there’s not a single one of you for whom I don’t have the utmost respect. Okay, maybe there’s one. (Just kidding, Nick.) I promise to strive to keep my future email ramblings as mild as milque toast and as inoffensive as a Sunday School sermon… Wait a minute—was that a religious reference? Gosh darnit, first the ‘s’ word, now the ‘r’ word. At this rate I’ll soon let slip with the ‘p’ word (politics) and alienate the remaining seventy-odd Food Bankers. My days here may be numbered, people.

So my solemn vow to you, my most esteemed and long-suffering colleagues: henceforth, my emails will be completely free of any explicit or implied references to ‘s’, ‘r’ or ‘p.’

Also, to the inevitable question “why is this dummy emailing e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e at the Food Bank about this?” my answer is: because rumor travels faster than email. With my questionable little missive having apparently gotten more than the usual airplay, I don’t know who’s heard what at this point, so I’m covering all my bases.

Which, incidentally, gets me thinking: In light of my developing “bad boy” rep at the Food Bank, and given the perennial popularity of controversy, perhaps I might offer my goofy little delivery schedule emails to all my friends and neighbors here at HFB on a totally free subscription basis. Hmm, email me for details.

Yours humbly and contritely,

HFB Truck Driver and comedic author manqué

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Greetings all,

I come to you this morning with love and with blessings and as I do so, I just want to say that I feel I have been completely rehabilitated. I believe I can say confidently that this delivery schedule email is as pure as untrodden snow and virtually humor-free to boot.

So, “Please find attached the delivery schedule for…” etc. etc.

Thank you for allowing me to serve you.

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Folks,

With a date like 07/07/07, you know this delivery schedule has to be cool. Plus, like, I’m actually on it. So look out.

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Beautiful People,

Well, the date’s not nearly as cool, and I’m not even on this one… so you’ll pardon me if I have to willfully manufacture the usual degree of enthusiasm for the Driver Delivery Schedule for Monday, 07/09/07.

Then again, as I look at it I realize that this little gem is beautiful in its own way. Yes, I think I can love this one, too.

P “you-can-tell-it’s-Friday-and-I’m-barely-hangin’-on” L

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Hello and Welcome!

Nick is out today, and of course, I’m “out to lunch” anyway—so all I have to say is: It’s back, it’s big, and it’s beautiful. That’s right, it’s the Driver Delivery Schedule for Tuesday, June 12, 2007.

May it bestow on you all those things that I wish for you with all my heart.

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Hola!

Back due to overwhelming demand, it’s me…. with another mind-expanding, paradigm-shifting, so-much-more-than-merely-informative Driver Delivery Schedule, Friday the sixth-style. May it complete your day.

Piotr Petrovich

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From: PL

Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007 2:33 PM

To: [names redacted]

Subject: Driver Delivery Schedule for Thursday 08/02/07

Lift up thy hands and rejoice, ye mighty, for thou art witness to history in the making.

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Friends,

From the dawn of human kind, certain profound existential questions have challenged the greatest thinkers: Why are we here? Where are we going? Why is there anything at all? But lately I’ve been grappling with a question that could be the most confounding one to ever vex a human mind: Why do we say “pair” of pants? I mean, it’s only a single garment—unlike shoes or socks. We don’t say “pair of shirts” unless there are two. So, what gives?

Well, I think I may have strained some neurons with that problem, so you’ll understand if the accompanying driver delivery schedule is not quite as awesome as usual. But it’s still pretty damn good.

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Dear All,

I know it’s not anyone’s birthday, but I couldn’t resist doing something just a little special for you all. That’s just the kinda guy I am. Please dig the totally fantastic Driver Delivery Schedule for Sept. 7. It really doesn’t get much better than this.

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“The Zen poet Basho once wrote that a flute without holes

is not a flute, and a donut without a hole is a Danish.”

The first lucky Food Banker to tell me what classic movie this quote

is from will win my spot in today’s very special “focus group.” [1]

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People.

Well, once again it’s Friday and that can only mean one thing: Nick is off and I’m doing the schedule for him. So after slaving over a hot computer for a few hours, I managed to whip up the attached for y’all to savor and enjoy this afternoon. You’re welcome.

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Esteemed Friends and Colleagues,

Please allow me to present to you the one and only Driver Delivery Schedule for Monday, November 5, 2007. As you know, I usually try to stay humble, but so much work and care went into the composing of this schedule that I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m nominated for Employee of the Month.

Just throwing it out there.

[1] For the record, the quote is from Caddyshack.