one more for the road

Orientation was a week-long stay in Woodstock, IL (shout out to my Groundhog Day fans) full of seminars, small group time, worship, and meeting the other 24 young adults I have the privilege of going into service with this year. There is nothing like spending time with a group of passionate, like-minded people all trying to learn to be better leaders, better Christians, and better citizens of the earth. It was also amazing to see just how different everyone's backgrounds were. Talking to people from so many job fields, levels of education, future goals, it’s hard to believe how so many varied roads led us all to the same next leg in our journeys. I loved getting to know my fellow YAGMs as well as staff and alumni who have done this whole process before, affirming that all these feelings of uncertainty and excitement are valid and shared. We will all be going through the year in an odd state of together and apart, so getting to know everyone throughout the week and also knowing we’d be going our separate ways so quickly was a difficult line to walk, but I left the week feeling so full of support, excitement to arrive in my new community, and hope for all the beautiful and unexpected things to come. I can’t wait to hear what all of my new friends are doing in their placements and to watch their next year unfold along with mine.

After a few days staying with my family in Nevada, I spent a whirlwind of three days frantically packing and moving out from my apartment of nearly two years in Elgin. I’ve moved around a lot in my life and it has been quite some time since I lived in a place that felt truly like home so leaving the apartment that has become so special to me has been one of the hardest parts of this process so far. Since living on my own, every time I've moved out of somewhere I’ve spent my last night there writing a letter to that space. A thank you and goodbye letter, putting a close on that period of my life, and I think the best way I can describe my leaving, is by sharing a small piece of the letter I wrote just two days ago when I left my apartment on Douglas Ave.

“I think of all the places I have lived, you have the biggest piece of me. I think of autumn days with the windows open, music playing and the smell of apple candles, I would sit in the green wingback chair and watch the sky change colors. In winter you were old and drafty, frost crystals bloomed over every window and door, letting the frigid midwestern chill creep in, but I curled up on the couch with a mountain of blankets, string lights on the wall making the whole place look like magic and the cold didn’t matter so much. On days that were difficult, you let in so much light I felt like I could take on just a bit more than I could before. Your floorboards creaked in tandem with my late night dancing to Seals & Crofts.”

Since then, I've been staying on a friends couch as I wait out the final few days before I leave for Buenos Aires. I'm doing three Rosetta Stone lessons a day, ordering in all my favorite Elgin foods that I'll miss, and social distancing as well as a couch surfer can.

When saying goodbyes so many people asked me, "So how are you feeling? Are you all prepared?" and I don't know if I would call myself prepared. I've done everything I was told to do to be ready, but I don't know if you can ever be prepared for something like this. There's no way to prepare for going into the unknown and hoping to do right by yourself and your new community. You can't practice accepting that things will go wrong and learning to live in those difficult times with as much love and grace as possible. You can't visualize that the you walking in will not be the you walking out. So no, I'm not prepared. But I am so ready and excited for those moments I can't prepare for.

I think the only way to finish off the first of my posts on here would be the same way I start out most of my handwritten journals, and that is with a list of goals. So in three months when I am exhausted and the novelty of a new place is fading, in five months when I am spending the holidays without my friends and family, or in ten months when I am winding down my time in the country, I can look back at this post and ground myself in what I started out this year wishing for myself.

So here are some things I am challenging myself to do:

• Actually practice and speak in the language, don’t let sounding dumb keep you from learning!

• Join an activity, like choir or dance classes, to meet more people in your neighborhood

• Lean on those in your community, they want to help you

• Give yourself grace for making mistakes

• Take things as they come and try to see the opportunity in everything

• Find one place to be your regular spot; whether that be a park, a coffee shop, a market. Carve yourself a space

• Check in on yourself and know when to put your wellbeing as priority

• Stay off your phone as much as possible! Be present in your new space

• Make time to write to people back home and to new friends, let yourself be known by those who want to know you

• Come in with an open heart and leave with no love left ungiven

Thank you to all of you who read this whole thing, like I said I'm nothing if not verbose. I'm also very bad at writing endings... so there you have it I guess. Thank you to everyone following along with me and to those of you who have supported me and lifted me up through all the craziness of the last few months. I suspect it will only get crazier from here and what a lovely thought that is. The next time you hear from me will be coming from Buenos Aires!

Peace, KLB