There it was, “HOME RETREAT” - the two words of the announcements that caught my eye. Sounding like an oxymoron at first, I later understood it was a Silent Retreat of sorts, done at home instead of the usual retreat centres. 

‘Hmm, novel.’

But that would be the last thing I needed, having been:

1. Already put on a 2 week Stay-Home-Notice by ICA from travelling

2. (yet) Hardly able to rest from the influx of work

3. Itching to get out and just do… something else

It didn’t help that my impressions of a Silent Retreat were boring; reclusive, monastic, in constant social and technology deprivation while surrounded by 19th century paintings of Jesus on the ceiling.

In short - not my cup of tea.

However, as time passed and I returned to “civilisation”, my workload escalated quickly and fatigue began to accumulate. Uninterrupted sleep was a luxury of the past, and it was almost like I had forgotten how to rest.

Was this the “burn-out” the pastors always warned about? 

Jokingly, I suggest doing the “Home Retreat” since schedules at that time only allowed me to be away for a day or two.

As it turned out, the short experience broke every cliche I had, and left me awed enough to pen this piece to let you see for yourself what God can do in just 36 hours.

As it also happened to be Mother’s Day; dinner and some needful family interaction was waiting. Because of that, I happened to catch snippets of ‘Planet Earth’ - a show I absolutely have no interest in. (It is by the way, the most expensive nature documentary series ever commissioned, showcasing dazzling, state-of-the-art imagery and breathtaking footage of the world’s most awe-inspiring natural wonders)

Feeling slightly anxious that I hadn’t “done anything”, I caught myself and remembered (1) that “God is with me” and that verbal practice in itself made me feel so strange. So I simply laughed it off and got started.

To my surprise, the prescribed passage was Genesis 1. I assumed the key takeaway would be rest following creation - which is what I was supposed to learn to do. But as I read, the chapter ended right at the end of Day 6. There wasn’t that sabbath rest part I was waiting for.

Obviously, God had better plans, and, instead, I observed 2 new insights:

 To my surprise, I woke up the next day only to realise I had slept for a whole 13 hours. 

My first thought was how I had wasted too many hours of the retreat and immediately started to read the 2nd passage for the day - Psalm 139.

This time however, I wasn’t even able to get past the 2nd verse.

Picture someone who had been silently seeing countless sunrises (like this one), simply because that marked the time to put down the work they had while the sky was still bright, to take a short nap before the day began again. That someone had finally gotten a night and day’s worth of sleep, and upon waking, only heard:

“Yes, I know when you rested and when you worked. I saw all of that. The sleepless nights you spent, doing My work, even when no one knows. I do.”

That was me - sitting on my bed, dumbfounded while unable to continue scrolling on my Bible app.

It took me nearly an hour before I could barely thank God enough and fully appreciate what that truly meant to me. God knew all of that deep sentiment I never knew was bothering me, and comforted me in a way that could not be planned or deliberately orchestrated. Had I read that in the evening, or right after watching ‘Planet Earth’, I would have simply let the words pass over my head. But no, they came at a time where I toiled, rested, toiled some more, rested again, but still struggled to silence the inner voices that often play up my insecurities, saying I should do more.

Many times, nobody knows how hard we work or the unintended grievances we swallow, for standing up for what we know is right. They may come in the form of social stigmas of our asian culture, gender, age, or choice of work/study. We strive daily to break out of these misconceptions by putting in that extra hour, extra effort, and that one more step, in hopes that these thoughts can be silenced. But today, God wanted me to realise, He knows it all, even if no man does. Above that, He gives you rest like no other, because He loves you and me. How is that even possible?

Oh, and guess what?  This time, I didn’t even need the verbal reminder of “God is with me”. 

He had already reassured me of His presence.

As I continued, the familiar word ‘WONDER’ appeared..

139:6 “Such knowledge is too WONDERFUL for me, too lofty for me to attain.”

Like a triple punch, for good measure, God showed it a third time.

139:13 “You created my inmost being… I praise you for I am fearfully and WONDERFULLY made”

Yesterday, the ‘wonders’ of creation were visually displayed for me. It linked up the invisible dots between what I had just seen (wonders of nature), what I had read (wonderful knowledge), and now, what it meant for me (wonderfully made).

Not only was comfort, reassurance, affirmation, and love showered upon me, God was helping me to recognise my identity of being His very precious child - made very well indeed.

How was it possible that in such a short span of time, God had used the most unsuspecting things around me, my natural behaviors and inclinations, to give me understanding of such profound words of healing into my soul?

I phoned the Spiritual Director and asked my burning question - “DID YOU PLAN THE 2 PASSAGES BECAUSE YOU ALREADY HAD A MAIN MESSAGE FOR ME?”

Of course, we know the answer.

God took it a little further and brought to mind many past instances where people left me notes, words, even prayers, to remind me of who God sees me as. He knows me by name, my every desire. In fact, it was a paradigm shift from “God is with me” to “There is never a time He isn’t (with me)”.

As much as he has undone the knots of my heart and brought new revelation to the roots of my insecurities, there is still a long journey towards learning to love myself for who I am because He clearly does. He even celebrates me for being me, for being made differently. I no longer need to feel inadequate because I ‘can’t stay silent on a silent retreat’, or have nothing to say when asked to share ‘what did God say to you today’, or simply because I ‘wake up too late’.

By now it should be clear as day that what truly matters when seeking God isn’t the place, the method, or your experience - it is in fact, the posture and willingness of the heart.