OSTRICH THEORIES

These are the many conspiracy theories associated with our feathered friends.

1: Ostriches really could fly!

According to definitely real research, it was recently discovered that Ostriches were actually able to fly from 4572 BC to 573 AD. This is because Ostriches were created with a keel bone, but starting in 2000 BC, they started evolving and the keel bone began to shrink.

Edit: This is actually a true fact just I got the time wrong

2: If you live in Africa, then don't be surprised if you wake up at 12:25 AM and see an Ostrich glaring at you.

Ostriches are native to the grasslands of Africa. So if you live in Africa, don't be surprised if you see one staring at you. Ostriches are psychopaths. We all know that! So they have a neuron called stakler, which causes them to go into shelters, homes, and anything in between, and stare at sleeping humans. This was invented by the Ostrich idol "Susslus Mlunkus," who loved stalking Ostriches and being sussy, so he decided to pass this gift on to the Ostriches to get revenge on the humans. Because of what, you ask?

3: Ostriches were at war with humans!?

Yep! You read that right! Once humans entered the picture, Ostriches were being disturbed and decided to revolt. This started when an Ostrich bit off a human's frontal lobe, and started going on a rampage. This started a war: The Ostrich War. Here is an artist depiction of what these battles would've looked like:

Also, Ostriches had an advantage because they at the time were about 5 times their current size, but the humans still won.

4: THERE'S OSTRICH HATE!?

Yep! Most hate towards Ostriches is in games. In Halo Reach, You can kill the Ostriches as they run in terror. This is because a developer's ancestors served in the Ostrich war, and where decapitated by a tiny Ostrich.

5: Ostriches are really the most intelligent species

Although this theory has been debunked time and time again, a logical reason has been found!

When you think "genius," you might picture dolphins with their charming smiles, or those monkeys crafting tools. But the true Einsteins of the animal kingdom are the Ostriches. Don't be fooled by those long necks and goofy grins—these birds are playing 4D chess while the rest of us are stuck on checkers.

First, Ostriches have survival skills that would make Bear Grylls jealous. Thriving in harsh environments that would make the rest of us weep? Check. Navigating the savannas and deserts like they're taking a casual Sunday stroll? Double check. Clearly, they've cracked the code of life.

Their social life is where it gets wild. Ever seen an Ostrich gathering? It's like a bird version of The West Wing, with complex communication that would put most politicians to shame. These birds coordinate like they're planning heists instead of just, you know, protecting their chicks.

Also, those chicks are being stereotyped! They can protect themselves!

And those problem-solving skills! Ostriches can find food sources with the efficiency of your local Dominoes Pizza Delivery and navigate tricky terrains as if they have built-in GPS. They've got a strategy for everything, whether it's foraging or outsmarting predators with a swift kick (that can seriously mess you up, by the way).

Lastly, let's talk evolution. Ostriches have been around since forever, surviving mass extinctions and dodging meteors. They've seen it all and lived to tell the tale. Talk about long-term planning!

So next time you see an ostrich, give it a nod of respect. Under those feathers and long legs, there's a mastermind plotting its next genius move.

And there's my essay on Ostriches. Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk.

6: Ostriches invented supercars

Yep! That overpriced Lamborghini you just bought was invented by an Ostrich! Ostriches used to be the fastest species on Earth before those musty, dusty, crusty, rusty, not at all trusty cheetahs came along. They could dash up to 60 miles per hour. So they thought with their Ostrich IQ of 750; Why not go even faster, without all the effort of running? This amazing idea gave birth to the first supercar: The Time And Stamina Saver, or T.A.S.S. now, when those musty, dusty, crusty, rusty, not at all trusty cheetahs came along and broke down every T.A.S.S. built. This caused a war before The Ostrich War: The African Civil War.

The African Civil War:

Both sides

Ostriches

The Ostriches were the brains of this side. They convinced the Aardvarks to help them in their conflict against the cheetahs. They then built more T.A.S.S. Models, such as the T.A.S.S. II and the T.A.S.S. III. They soon decided to use the T.A.S.S. V as part of the military operations. They created the M. T.A.S.S., The Military Time And Stamina Saver, which was made from T.A.S.S. V vehicles.

Aardvarks

Aardvarks were crucial to the Ostriches chances of winning. They gave them the extra numbers they needed to have a chance.

Cheetahs

The cheetahs were a big threat to the Ostriches and Aardvarks because

Humans

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