Cliffs, Snow Fish, and Hay Bails:

As a longtime ski instructor, and an ex-wilderness guide, I’ve spent some time answering peoples questions about the outdoors. The majority of our visitors are from the city, and are often mystified, or even frightened, by some the things they see in the wilderness. One gets bombarded with questions on everything from botany and zoology, to social history and geology. Its satisfying to have the right answers for people, though it requires investing in the right books, and committing the time to learn them. However, people are on these trips to have fun, and part of the fun sometimes is giving answers that stretch reality a bit. I’ve a lot of practice at giving the right answers . . . and the wrong ones. When somebody asks you a question, perhaps you’ll find an entertaining answer here

One of the classic questions an instructor receives is “how are the moguls made?”. The correct answer of course being that skis form them by pushing the snow with every turn. Stop grooming any ski trail for long enough and moguls form on it, but this is a boring answer. Some answers that are more fun: “They are hay bails we distribute around the Summer”, “Didn’t you see that mogul machine earlier?”, “With shovels. Its one of the less fun parts of this job”, or just simply say “seismic activity” and change the subject quickly.

When hiking you’ll see the tracks of turkeys, bears, mountain lions, coyotes and may other animals. Usually people from the city don’t have eyes trained to see the tracks, but now and then there will be a particularly obvious one in the trail. “Oh, just a mountain lion”, you explain, then nervously “hey, gosh look at the time! Lets jog this part of the trail” then break into a mad run. Or look at the track and mumble reverently “Z’lutha”, then begin chanting other incomprehensible words. If somebody asks specifically “is that a deer or elk track?” answer “actually, its in-between both. You see this is right around the altitude that the metamorphosis happens”. Simply looking at the track, shrieking, and fainting is fun too.

As you navigate through the forest you might be asked “where does that trail go?”. A good answer is “you don’t want to know where that trail goes . . .”. Or, in a quiet laugh, “nowhere”, more chuckling, “oh that trail goes nowhere”. Often visitors of course ask “where are we?” The obvious answer being “I don’t know”. Alternatively you could say “almost to the ceremony . . . er . . . I mean the view I promised you”.

After a big storm, when the limbs of trees are weighed down with fresh snow, holes will start to appear in the snow. As snow fall off of the trees it punches holes all over the place in the deep powder. While riding chairlifts these holes are especially obvious, and guests sometimes inquire about them. “Snow fish”, is a good answer, “snow fish are not really fish of course, they are actually an amphibian. They swim about under the snow, sometime leaping free from the snow, hence the holes. In the Spring, as the snow melts, they ride the snow melt back into the rivers where they live until the big snow comes again next Fall”. Seems silly doesn’t it? Scary thing is though, some people have believed it!

When somebody is not accustomed to being on ski slopes, sometimes even moderate slopes can look like the end of the world. Its good to help them overcome these fears: “That? Oh, that's the Wall of Doom. Don’t worry though, that's why I brought the ropes. (Pointing to backpack actually filled with crumpled newspaper to make it look full)”. If you stand away from the edge of something, you cannot see how steep it really is, the imagination runs wild. Many skiers just assume that the edge of that beginner run they are on is a cliff. Again, reassurance is a good gift: “Cliff? Well, the word cliff is a relative word really. We’ve actually lost very few people on this part of the mountain”.

As you can see, there is great fun to be had for the whole family in the simple answering of questions about the outdoors. Let your imagination run free. No matter how silly the idea is, its really your delivery that makes or breaks the effect. You must offer the “information” with a serious face, and then smoothly transition into another subject before their brain has had a chance to register the absurdity of what you just said. At the end of your journey with the visitors you can let them know you were pulling their leg about some things. Tell them in a subtle way, like: “By the way, half of everything I’ve told you was a lie”.

Todd Murchison is a former professional skier freelance writer, but still a computer geek.

He claims to have used all of the lines in the above story. Once something is in print it must be true, right?