Sexuality:
Ah! The heart is a fickle thing, as prone to passion as it is to accident. I am not so particular, though I am not so indiscriminate either. Let us say, for the purposes of this forum, I am capable of being enamored by whomsoever I please—provided they appreciate a fine digression!

Pronouns:
He/Him—though I assure you, Life calls me every name under the sun... most of them less polite.

About Me:
Oh, where to begin! If you’re here for a straight story, kindly look elsewhere. I’m a lover of digressions, confounded by accidents, and a faithful victim of my own cursed birth. "Time wastes too fast: every letter I trace tells me with what rapidity Life follows my pen," (Sterne 555) and yet, here I am, still writing, still living, one chapter at a time. Conceived on an off-clock moment and struck with life’s unfortunate blows, I’m as flawed as a shattered nose (mine, in fact) and as perfectly imperfect as the twist of fate itself. My history’s an endless comedy of errors: mistaken baptisms, farcical mishaps, and the occasional scandal involving... well, et cetera.

What I’m Looking For:

A clever soul with a hearty laugh, capable of navigating life’s bewildering twists with grace and a strong constitution. Mustn’t mind the occasional bawdy tale or a tendency to get lost on whims. "A cock and bull story?" perhaps? I assure you, it’s a damn good one.

Perfect First Date:
We shall meet under the guise of a structured evening, perhaps tea or a stroll—but I’ll digress, and you’ll find yourself (I hope) enraptured by an unexpected tale that twists like the winding lanes of Namur. For, I am impulsive! As I write, "A sudden impulse comes across me-drop the curtain, Shandy! I drop it" (Sterne 253). If we end the night as lost as we began, I’ll know we’re a match!

Interests:

• Sketching the occasional widow (careful now, only above the ankles)

• Reading Locke’s Essay upon Human Understanding—or rather, claiming I’ve read it

• Mapping out war strategies with my dear Uncle Toby (in miniature, of course)

Occupation:
Philosopher of life’s accidental calamities, occasional memoirist, full-time connoisseur of digression. I was born to write my life story; Life, however, had different plans.

Political Affiliations:
A most dangerous question! I find myself between parties: on the one hand, loyal to my father’s philosophical leanings and his faith in grand theories; on the other, bound by my Uncle Toby’s preference for action over argument. In short, my politics are a messy truce between ambition and accident. I hope you didn't expect an answer more serious.

Greatest Strength:
My inimitable powers of narration. I can start at one end of the universe and talk you ‘round to the other before you even know we’ve left Earth

Biggest Weakness:
Accidents. Everywhere. A fall here, a shattered nose there, the odd circumcision by a window sash. Life, you see, is a game of hazards, and I am uncommonly skilled at finding myself directly in harm's way.

Pet Peeves:
Critics, brutes, and those who insist on reading books straight through with no respect for the art of tangential discourse. I believe of course that "Writing, when properly managed, is but a different name for conversation" (Sterne 96), and if 't be true thee disagreeth, screweth off!

Drinker or Smoker?
Drinker, yes—though I prefer to call it ‘a taste for fine spirits and companionship,’ ideally among like-minded fellows and plentiful candles. As for smoking, my nose has suffered enough trauma without additional char. I leave it to those less afflicted!

Want Kids or No Kids?
Children? The world has enough little accidents running amok. As for me, I am a great fan of theoretical fatherhood. In practice, I am well enough acquainted with the hazards of raising oneself, let alone another!

Sexuality:
Heterosexual, yet always with discretion and dignity.

Pronouns:
He/Him, for authority in all things.

About Me:
My passions are virtuous indignation and ensuring that the gates of debauchery are barred, barricaded, and burned to ash! I come as an unyielding force, rallying against the unbridled misrule of today’s stage and its poor excuses for comedy. My aim: to restore integrity, to shame lewdness back to the darkest corner where it belongs. I am a man in pursuit of the highest moral rigour, though many might say—well, let them say it. Some might call me rigid, but I would say I have clarity—a gift that our so-called “fine gentlemen” on the stage sorely lack. As I should argue, the stage is a great mirror of human life, and I endeavour to ensure that what is reflected promotes virtue and morality, not lewdy base impulses.

What I’m Looking For:
I seek someone of sound moral judgement and a respect for virtues that our modern age seems all too eager to neglect. If you appreciate character, duty, and a strong resolve to resist the lures of vice, you may just be the kind of person I’d call a fine companion!

Perfect First Date:
An afternoon perusing the works of Aristotle and discussing how virtue might be restored to the public sphere, far from the influences of theatre and those “playwrights” who should know better. As I maintain, a true lover of wisdom seeks a partner in the cultivation of virtue.

Interests:

• Literature that elevates the spirit, rather than degrading it to base impulses

• Dissecting the absurdity of “comedies” that equate honour with debauchery

• Long, contemplative walks far from any satirical theatre

• Socratic and Platonic philosophy as antidotes to frivolity

• The righteous triumph of virtue over vice in any form

Occupation:
Theatre Critic and Defender of Moral Decency. My profession is not one for the faint of heart or those “fine gentlemen” who mistake obscenity for wit. I wield my pen as a weapon to restore the honour and morals of our society. I’ve dedicated myself to pointing out that the chief end of plays is to instruct the audience, to make them better.

Political Affiliation:
Traditionalist with a stern distaste for modern hedonism

Greatest Strength:
My unwavering commitment to honesty and moral clarity, which I wield like a sword against the hypocrisies and deceits of modern life. I myself, a pen-bound instructor of the pure stage, believe my "Instruction is the principal design of both [tragedy and comedy]. The one works by terror, the other by infamy"

Biggest Weakness:
Some may say my views are "uncompromising." But to compromise with the licentiousness and folly of our age would be a far greater weakness indeed. I believe it is a time of great darkness, where every base impulse is glorified, and to bow to that would be to forsake my principles.

Pet Peeves:

• Vulgarity and coarse language paraded as "humour"

• "Fine gentlemen" who fancy themselves heroes while showing not a shred of honour

• Plays that celebrate vice and reward vice with wealth, glory, and bawdy women

• Smuttiness. "Smuttiness is a fault in behavior as well as in religion"

• Atheism masquerading as enlightenment

• Anyone defending the "artistic licence" to revel in debauchery, which I criticise as “the enemy of virtue”.

• Any stage failing to moralize it's audience! As I write, "the chief business of a poet was to instruct the audience" and anything different is NONESENSE!!!

Drinker or Smoker:
Neither. I believe indulgence in such pleasures blurs the lines of virtue and vice, leading men astray from their duties, leading men astray from their duties. 

Wants Kids or No Kids:
Yes, but only with the understanding that they shall be raised in an atmosphere of moral fortitude and a clear sense of right and wrong. Once they reach adulthood, I strive to instil in them that "Modesty is the distinguishing virtue of that sex and serves both for ornament and defense" !!!

Sexuality:
As fluid as desire.

Pronouns:
She/Her; I am both woman and wit, however I may be perceived.

About Me:
A poetess and playwright by trade, and an unabashed spirit by nature. I wear my freedom like a well-cut coat, with pride. I am as bold in my passions as I am in my pen, a seeker of both knowledge and pleasure. My words have stirred scandals, and my characters, laughter; if you fear a woman of wit, you'd best move on.

What I’m Looking For:
I seek one who matches me in daring, a partner in both wit and revelry—someone who can laugh heartily, and love fiercely. Only those bold enough to live freely, as I do, need apply. As articulated by my Hellena, “I perceive good Father Captain, you would impose no severe Penance on her who was inclin’d to console her self before she took Orders.” (Behn 179). I wish only for love and respect which liberates, never binds.

Perfect First Date:
An evening at the theatre followed by whispered exchanges in a tavern where wine loosens secrets and lips alike. The night should end under moonlight, when all senses are awake, ready to savour each stolen glance, each daring word…

Interests:

• Art & merriment!

• Forbidden conversation!

• The ways of the heart!

• I prefer my nights long and my mornings lazy!

Occupation:
Writer, provocateur, rogue sympathiser… perhaps also a British spy in Antwerp, 1666. I am, as some say, a voice for those who dare.

Political Affiliations:
A Cavalier at heart, for the freedom of life’s pleasures and rebellion against joyless restraint.

Greatest Strength:
My intellect, my independence, and a tongue as sharp as my pen.

Biggest Weakness:
A penchant for rogues and troublemakers, those who live boldly, as I do.

Pet Peeves:
Self-righteousness, sermons, and the lechery of men who have neither the charm nor wit to balance it! As I write for fair Hellena, “Have a care how you venture with me, Sir, lest I pick your Pocket, which will more vex your English Humour, than an Italian Fortune will please you” (Behn 178). Hypocrisy irks me, especially in those who promise everything and give nothing of substance.

Drinker or Smoker:
When there is wine, I drink; when there is smoke, I savour. I do not see the point in life without its indulgences.

Wants Kids or No Kids:
Children? I have birthed characters, each more vivid than the last; these are my creations. Let them carry my name onward.

Sexuality:
Open to interpretation, like all good literature. Flirt with everybody; men, women, dustballs!

Pronouns:
He/him, but if you have a compelling case, I'm open to suggestion.

About Me:
I am the harbinger of satire in the realm of comedy. A provocateur. A soul unshaken by convention and absurdity alike. Trent University is my domain (as they haven't fired me yet), and yes, irony permeates my existence. Imagine Jonathan Swift with caffeine withdrawals or Lady Mary Wortley Montagu let loose in a 21st-century comedy club. Life is a very naughty munchkin, and I, dear reader, am its equally mischievous custodian! Don’t expect a prim-and-proper type—I’m more of a “pool boy from heaven” with a deep disdain for the ordinary. You can call me “Willie”—if you like, that is.

What I’m Looking For:
A fellow satirist or skeptic, someone who has no illusions about “truth” or “meaning” and instead delights in tearing them down. Must know how to properly wield sarcasm (no amateurs, please). Come prepared to dismantle societal norms with vigor! Ideally, you’re someone with a biting wit, dark humour, and a love of the old Bard. Or, my wife, I suppose. Kathryn, if you're reading this, can you take out the trash? And no, I don't mean me.  

Perfect First Date:
A few shots, a Shakespearean duel over who’s rougher, and a heated debate on the virtues of Hamlet’s sex appeal. Somewhere along the way, we’ll scroll through imaginary phones pretending to assess just how many Tylenol it takes.. By evening’s end, I’ll either be making a mock toast to Leo Groarke’s kayak-nakedness or toasting the soul-revealing magic of a well-timed roast. By night's end I'll have either a dark roast (coffee, naturally) or a fine whiskey—anything to keep the wit flowig, mind awake, and death at bay.

Interests:

• Absurdity: From blending my thumb in an immersion blender to musings on the heterosexual nature of mother-fucking, I relish the nonsensical and the unflinching.

• Satire: The less polite, the better.

• Irony: Intentional, in all communications (typographical errors, of course, included). It's my love language.

• Existential Laughter: If we don't laugh, what's the point?

Occupation:
The man your university warned you about. Current gig: tortured English professor specializing in the comedic desolation of our modern age. 

Political Affiliations:
Politically agnostic, morally left, yet ideologically promiscuous. Kindess above alienation. Where’s the father-fucking on the rainbow flag?! I say, let’s get all perspectives on there. 

Greatest Strength:
I am an unflinching connoisseur of the uncomfortable truth in comedy—especially when it pokes fun at society’s hypocrisies. Embracing absurdity with a smirk and finding joy in the naughty details. The only thing that makes me smile is wieners. (Such is the meaning of life).

Biggest Weakness:
A perpetual skeptic on all matters (including my own teaching evaluations). Occasionally haunted by recurring dreams of lecture halls full of snarky students, the 7pm cohort especially. 

Pet Peeves:

• The notion that “Corner Gas” is peak Canadian comedy.

• Insufficient dedication to roasting as a fine art.

• Mandatory politeness.

• Students who inquire about grading rubrics (ask and suffer).

• Self-proclaimed improv actors (I say this with a deep sigh of condescension).

Drinker or Smoker:
Whiskey and the darkest of coffee for sustenance. Cigars only when I’m feeling “Victorian” (or if my thighs have discovered new creases).

Wants Kids or No Kids:
Well, I already have plenty students with severe daddy issues—they infest my lectures, ignore my emails, and bully me weekly—any more, and I'd need a support group. These intellectual offspring keep me awake at night far more effectively than any crying infant could. Otherwise, I suppose quite satisfied with my current 'spawn' in seminar rooms, as long as they have a penchant for roasting authority, and question my own. Though, be warned: you may only call me “daddy” (intellectually speaking, of course) if your mother taught you how to fake an orgasm, and survived.