Politics
Mingo County Election Endorsements
Mingo Co., West Virginia. In this year's local elections, the Mingo County Gazette offers endorsements for the finest candidates with impeccable moral characters and high wisdom and intelligence. In the better interests of Mingoians from Gilbert Creek to Williamson, it is imparative for every vote to support the finer traits of our beloved region. In this issue of the Mingo County Gazette, the editorial staff put forth the finest candidates for every position on the ballot in the upcoming election.
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In this undated photograph, the Mingo County Gazette offices were visited by a big-city politician to discuss raising the county minimum wage
In every election, all candidates may have their merits, but in the following, the Mingo County Gazette editorial staff sets forth the argument for selecting specific folks and their appropriateness for specific positions of power.
County Clerk: The Mingo County equivalent of a county executive, the County Clerk sets forth a vision for the county that is more than setting septic tank regulations or stopping the Smithens boys from licking toads. Among the worthy candidates for this position, the Mingo County Gazette supports the one logical choice: Obadiah Beaterman. Because of his strong vision for the future of Mingo, Obadiah is a genuine Mingoian to the core, and worthy of this lofty position. He will make sure we are all fed early and often.
Mingo County Sheriff: By selecting Goldenrod Beaterman for Sheriff, the county is making a clear choice not for punishing or rehabilitating offenders, but for chilling out and staying cool when bad decisions are made. Goldenrod Beaterman is a sheriff who promises to "never harsh your mellow, man".
Mingo County Pork Sausage Distillery Advisory Board (MCPSDAB) Chairman: This is an emergency election after the mysterious disappearance of long-time chairperson, Clayton “Earl" Smithens to find a qualified leader and financial backer for the powerful captains of Mingo's sausage distilling industry. Upon completing several semesters at Mingo County Community College in both sausage distilling and crime scene investigation, Agnes Bojangles Beaterman is clearly the least unqualified choice for the rigors demanded by the sausage distillery alliance.
The County Holistic Healer and Mingo Lama: To represent and protect the immortal souls of all Mingoians-- alive, dead, or plain fictional-- the Mingo County Gazette supports Selene Capsicum Beaterman. After nearly thirty years of operating a psychic stand and fortune retail business off of route 19 in Myrtle, Selene has more than proven herself in the mystic arts and is well capable of warding off any dark spirits which may trespass in Mingo's bounty.
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