Canceled

I inhale books. So much so that I’m occasionally embarrassed by my intake.

I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t work or pay attention to my family. I’m just a fast reader and I don’t watch a lot of TV or play any games on my phone. Well , except for Wordle of course.

My library card get a lot of miles. However, I still probably spend an embarrassing amount on books.

Even though I often put books in those cute little free libraries – I still have more books than shelves.

Today I did something tragic.

I did not renew my book of the month membership.

And let's be honest, it is more like three books a month.

I am not unhappy with the customer service, quality or selection.

Book of the Month, I promise …it’s not you - it’s me.

I want to invest in my writing and I realize this going to cost me.

I don’t want to take that money from my family or my kid’s college funds.

Instead I had to evaluate what I was willing to give up.

What financial choices impact me but not as many other people in my house.

It is a hard thing to quit things you love.

Or to brew my own lattes.

Or paint my own toes.

Or to pack a sandwich for lunch rather than picking something up.

But it is a small sacrifice (and yes I realize a very much entitled one) to go all in on my dreams.

Every yes is a no to something or someone else.

In this case, this no is a vote for my pursuits.

It might seem trivial, but investing in yourself is scary.

It says this dream is worth pursuing.

It is worth giving a few things up for this hope.

I love those blue boxes that show up in my doorstop.

They will stop coming.

Instead. I will put that money (and some others) into myself.

It feels selfish and scary.

But also exciting as hell.

I was supposed to write this essay based on the prompt renew.

And instead I found myself writing about what I was canceling.

That isn’t completely true.

Sometimes it requires canceling one thing to renew another.