Back in the Saddle

In the early 2000s I had a blog, right along with just about every other mom and grandma on the internet. It wasn’t special. I had a day job and a messy house, but something in me needed to not only write it down but to share it with others.

I shared pictures, funny stories, my faith and even occasionally my heart.

Finding time to write was never a problem.

I wrote at night. I wrote during my conference period.

People actually read it.

They commented. They shared. They even occasionally made requests.

It made something inside me light up with recognition and feel less alone.

And then I stopped.

I didn’t stop writing.

I just stopped being so public about it.

I stopped writing for comments and likes and mostly for myself.

Things shifted. Parts of my life got hard and I wasn’t sure the internet was the best place to work it out. I kept typing. Sometimes for class. But sometimes because I didn’t know how not to.

Joan Didion once wrote “I don't know what I think until I write it down.”

Same, girl, same.

Things got better. Then worse. Then better again.

I’m sure that will be on repeat for the rest of my life.

But, my own words have helped.

As I wrote them and then read them back years later.

Lately I’ve ached to do something with my writing.

To share parts of it again.

I’ve gone back and read portions of what I wrote before.

And it feels so small. Incomplete.

I thought I was writing authentically.

But I was only telling part of the story.

The rest of it I was keeping back. Sometimes even from myself.

I feel like I am beginning again.

A few years ago, when I graduated, I printed out my record of study (dissertation) as a gift to my parents. I had someone help me bind it with one of those cheap plastic spirals.

I had spent years typing out all those words. And reshaping and reworking them until a committee finally deemed them good enough.

I had edited and formatted every single paragraph over and over.

But I had never printed all of them out.

I was surprised at the weight of them in my hand.

It felt heavy with accomplishment.

But all I could think, was that I wanted to do it again.

Just with a much shorter works cited.

The rules have changed quite a bit over the last decade. Now it seems that you can’t just write a blog.

You need a brand and a platform or at least a website.

You need an email sign up and a lead magnet (I’m not even 100% sure what that is).

I resisted because I wasn’t sure I could play the game.

It has taken me a while to realize that I was just lying to myself.

Maybe I am just afraid.

So I spent my snow days watching you tube videos trying to figure out all the technical things.

This is not the part of writing I enjoy. In Atomic Habits, James Clear says that "each action we take is a vote for the type of person we wish to be." So each you tube tutorial I watched and link I posted is a vote for myself and my hopes. It is far from perfect, but it is a beginning.

Tess barrel races. And of course my child would not only choose a super expensive hobby, but one that I know zero things about. Horses have always scared me. They are beautiful but huge and powerful. I make her wear a helmet and thankfully she has been bucked only one time that I was unlucky enough to be watching. She held on tight and managed to keep her seat.

Her teacher had her get off the horse and had her walk it around the arena until the horse seemed calm again. Nothing seemed safe about this to me but I bit my tongue as she climbed back in the saddle. I also made sure I had her medical insurance card on me.

Later on the ride home, I asked her if she was scared to get back on.

“Yes” she said. “But I wanted to keep riding more.”

I suppose I have been walking around the arena for the last several years.

Typing away quietly and safely from my couch.

And like Tess it is time to get back in the saddle.

And like Tess, I’m deciding that maybe the best things happen when we are afraid.

And we begin again.

I'm committing to write more here. Occasionally sending out a newsletter (think every quarter) with an extra post and reviews on books I've been reading....plus a playlist. (just think -- you won't have to wait until Christmas now for my updates or tunes!).