How am I supposed to believe? They say that God is Almighty, all powerful, and merciful. My parents call Him kind. My friends call him Heavenly Father. My best friend called him loving. Almighty, powerful, kind, Father, loving. There’s so many words that are used to describe God, but I can’t believe that any of them are true.
How could I? If God was merciful, kind, and loving like they say then why did He let Benny -my best friend- die? How am I supposed to believe in a loving God? Where was He when I asked Him to save my friend? If God was loving then he wouldn’t have let Benny die. He would have saved my best friend’s life instead of mine. I can’t believe in something that is a lie.
“How did you believe, Benny?” My voice was hushed as I lifted the dark casket with my dad.
My arms gave out for a moment under the weight of my best friend’s body. I tried to fight the tears that kept filling my eyes. I was shaking as we walked forward, carrying Benny with us. I kept my eyes on the ground, watching my black shoes shuffle through the grass.
We walked through the thriving grass together. I blinked, releasing the tears. The tears drove down my face creating a chain reaction. My nose started running, my throat was scratchy, my muscles shuddered, and my hands started slipping on the casket.
I tightened my grip. I wasn’t going to let my friend down. I swallowed, my throat stung as I tried not to make any noise. I forced myself to look up at the crowd of friends in front of us. The tears froze in my eyes. They were all standing waiting for me and my best friend. I started crying again.
My mom stood at the front of the crowd hugging Mrs.Lee, Benny’s mom, and whispering something to her that I couldn’t hear. My mom took a tissue from Mrs.Lee’s hands and replaced it with a new one, letting her friend blow her nose and wipe her eyes again.
My mom rubbed her arm and then looked up. Her eyes locked on mine. She gave me a sad smile. Her eyes filled with tears. When Mom started crying, my tears became heavier. I sniffed, trying to stop my nose from running. I looked away from the two mothers, forcing my eyes towards the place where I would finally say goodbye to my best friend.
I could only take shallow breaths as I placed my friend down on the ropes that would lower him down. I wiped my eyes after I let go of his coffin. I looked up. My dad stood across from me. He tried to smile for me, but even he was crying. Dad didn’t cry often. Benny was my best friend, but he was also my brother. He was part of my family, he was like a son to my parents.
My dad opened his mouth to say something. His voice didn’t work at first, it took a few seconds for him to get out a whisper. “God will take care of Benjamin,” My dad’s eyes shifted from me to the man next to me, Benny’s dad. “He’s in good hands.” He told him.
I turned away from my dad. God didn’t take care of Benny. He let him die, I didn’t believe what my dad said. It didn’t help, it only made me hate this…this imaginary God even more. If Benny was in good hands, the hands of this so-called “God”, then he would be here right now. He would be smiling and his parents wouldn’t be crying. His family would be happy. God wasn’t taking care of my best friend. He wasn’t even real. He couldn’t be.
I walked towards the crowd, away from my best friend. I glanced back. My dad was giving Mr.Lee a hug. Behind them was Benny’s coffin. I shut my eyes and faced away. That was my best friend. It was the last time I’d see him. I curled my hands in, digging my nails into my palms. I tried to distract myself from my tears, from the suffocating pressure in my chest.
I forced my eyes open and scraped the tears away from my eyes. The grass bent to the sides as I stepped on it, forcing it to bow under my foot just as Benny was forced to bow to death. He should be here right now. I should be in the coffin. I angrily shoved my tears away. I tried to fight the clawing in my chest and the scratches in my throat. I tried to be angry instead of sad. Why would this God that Benny believed in let him save me? I stabbed my nails deeper into my palms. God wasn’t real. He didn’t save Benny.
“Aaron?” A chocking voice asked.
I looked up from the grass, with a glare ready to yell at them. I didn’t know why that was my first reaction. When my eyes met Mrs.Lee’s my expression twisted around. I bit down on my lip to stop myself from crying. Benny looked just like her. She left my mother’s side and ran to me.
“Aaron,” She cried. Mrs.Lee held her arms out. I relaxed my hands as she crushed me with a hug. She held me tight, crying into my black shirt. “My boy,” She sobbed. The tears that sprang up in my eyes stung. I let out a cry. I couldn’t control myself. Mrs.Lee held me close. She held me tighter. “Thank you,” She whispered. Mrs.Lee looked up. “For being there for my son. I’m glad that you’re the last person he saw before-”
Her crying broke off what she was going to say. I was frozen. She was thanking me for being with him before he died. She was thanking me for-I couldn’t control myself. My whole body started shaking. I hugged Benny’s mom. She didn’t know the truth. She shouldn’t be thanking me, not when I was the reason Benny died. I shook my head.
“Please don’t thank me,” I told her. “Don’t thank me for that Mrs.Lee,”
She held me tighter. “You’re his brother, I should always be thanking you. Especially for staying with him, my son.”
I started crying harder. My hands curled up, stabbing my palms with my nails again. She shouldn’t thank me. Mrs.Lee should hate me for this, she shouldn’t call me her son. Not after what I did to him. I felt a question bubbling inside me. I didn’t know why I asked it, after all I couldn’t believe in God after what He let happen and yet I asked it.
“Why would God let this happen?” I croaked. A hand touched my shoulder. I opened my eyes and looked over. Benny’s father gave me a smile as he cried.
“Because God needed you here. That’s why Benjamin left that night.” He blinked, letting his tears fall. His smile got bigger. “God told him that you needed help.” Mrs.Lee stepped back. She grabbed my arm. I looked down at her. She smiled too even though her son died because of me.
“He told us that he had to save his brother,”
I shook my head, fighting the tears. I didn’t understand why they weren’t yelling at me or how they could smile. “It should have been me.” I whispered. Benny’s parents both crushed me in a hug. I broke down crying. “It should have been me.” I cried.
I should have been the one to die, Benny was going to do something great that nobody else could do. He was going to save so many lives. Instead he could only save one. My useless stupid life. He shouldn’t have been there. How could I believe in a loving God after this?