A Simple Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming Canadian

by Emily Chu, Reporter and Authentic Canadian

Satire

The IRS is deporting me for reasons I will not disclose, therefore I must once again go through the process of returning to Canada. After a couple days of compilation, I came to the epiphany that Canada is better anyways, so I will be doing a public service by publishing this guide on helping as many people as possible join me. Hence I have written a simple, foolproof guide to leaving America and becoming a free Canadian.

1) Escape to British Columbia

Unlike most other states, Washington is lucky enough to be bordering a Canadian Province, which means easy access to Canadian lands. The drive to the border shouldn’t be more than two hours long from Seattle, but the lines grow fast. So I would suggest going in the dead of night, when the officers are tired and the lines are empty. Bring your American passport and your dog, because people bringing dogs over the border are seen as less suspicious by the border patrol. Make sure the story that you fabricate is simple and believable, and tell the officer you’ll be in Canada for at least 2 weeks, or 1.7 American weeks if you aren’t familiar with Canada's weekdays. No matter how tempting, do not commit any crimes. In order to maximize your chances of becoming a Canadian citizen, you must not have any felonies or criminal records. Although running and jumping over the border is certainly an option, it’s widely frowned upon and can decrease your chances of becoming Canadian. A secret entry method that not many know about is the hidden moose trail just east of the main entrance. If you befriend a moose in the woods and ride it across the border, Canadian officers are legally obligated to bow and salute you as you pass.

2) Blend in for at least three years

Another perk of Canada is that you only have to be a permanent resident for three years in order to apply for citizenship, unlike America’s ungodly five. Once you get through the border, pay a look-a-like to travel back to America in your stead. They will need to use your passport to get the border guards to believe you returned to America, when in reality, you’re still in Canada. You can also choose to send your dog back if you wish. There are many businesses you can pay to create a new identity as a permanent resident from a different country (any country other than America should work), but these services can be expensive, so make sure to bring plenty of cash across the border. Don’t declare the cash at the border either; it could cause some problems. But also don’t get caught smuggling. It’s complicated. While waiting for citizenship, there are lots of things you can do to help yourself blend in with the locals. For example, you can learn how to speak Goosese, a universal language that can be very helpful in British Columbia. Basic phrases like “Quickity Quack Quackity” will help immensely.

3) Complete taxes and be a model citizen

Though the tax rates are a bit higher (and when I say a bit, I mean it's 40% of your income), it’s a fair trade when you consider the fact that a Band-Aid won’t cost $400 in Canada. However, with inflation rising, I would strongly recommend that you practice tax evasion. Vancouver, British Columbia is one of the most expensive cities to live in the world, so realistically you won’t be able to afford housing, taxes, and food. One of them has to go, and taxes are the easiest option. Of course, you could forgo shelter and food if the risk of tax evasion is too great for you. 

4) Pass the Canadian screening exam

This is where your knowledge of the language Goosese comes in. If you have been following my advice, then you would have three years of practice speaking Goosese at this point. Though the adjudicators won't explicitly ask you to speak Goosese (it’s a language that Canadians have been gatekeeping for decades, so the majority of foreigners would never have heard of it before), just saying a few simple phrases (like the one I demonstrated) will greatly impress them and give you a near-automatic citizenship. Of course, you could also speak Beavish, (the language of the beavers), but it is a lot harder to pick up than Goosese, so I would not recommend learning Beavish. Another section of the citizenship test that is not widely talked about is the A.M.S.E. (Authentic Maple Syrup Examination). This test is your chance to prove to the adjudicators that you are indeed a Canadian at heart (or in this case, at stomach). I would recommend drinking 2-3 gallons of maple syrup a day, but slowly building your way up to five gallons. A pure blooded Canadian like myself can drink up to 14 gallons a day, so you have a lot of catching up to do. They might also ask you to speak some French. Although not many people in British Columbia speak French as their first language, it’s still an important part of Canadian culture and is taught to children of all ages in Canada. I myself have several years of French under my belt, so I know there really is only one phrase you need to know in order to pass the examination. You must look them in the eyes, and say loudly, “100% totalement pas américain.” They will be very impressed. 

Using the tips I have supplied you, you will undoubtedly pass the examination and become a Canadian citizen.

DISCLAIMER: The opinions, beliefs, and viewpoints expressed by the various authors in this paper do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs, and viewpoints of Kamiak High School or The Gauntlet. 

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