Toilet Paper (The Gold of the Quarantine World)

On a sunny February morning, Americans woke up to find out that Covid-19 was no longer an entire continent away. Our first case was reported in Snohomish county, and from there, the virus began to spread across the country. However, a far more infective entity, some very paranoid and misinformed citizens, were quickly spreading rumors in their communities—eventually spreading to every urban area in the United States. Here is an example of the types of conversations that occurred:

A: Did you know 90% of toilet paper comes from Asia?

B: No way! How do you know that?

A: Everything comes from China, right? I mean, so did the virus!

B: Oh, my god! What if there will be none in stock?

A: We must buy them now!

Thus these paranoid people left for their local Walmart, saw the bountiful shelves of toilet paper, breathed a sigh of relief, and each grabbed a box. Then they thought it over and grabbed another. Maybe a third to be safe. As more people bought box after box, these shelves quickly began to empty. It didn't help that pictures of empty shelves were circulating across the internet and social media. Even worse, news stations broadcasted mixed messages. The newscasters announced that the TP at stores were disappearing and firmly said not to buy any, only to do another 180 and tell everyone that they needed to rush and buy it now! People were confused and scared, motivated by the infallible news stories and social media posts. Suddenly, toilet paper became the hottest commodity of 2020.

Due to a sudden influx of fear-driven, frenzied consumers, supermarkets were forced to enact policies to quell combat in the toiletry aisle. Those that made off with 50 or more rolls were suddenly regarded as royalty. As for the people that arrived to see an empty shelf, they were forced to either resort to an alternative wiping solution or turn to crime. People began stealing from any place that still contained this legendary commodity. Restaurants, malls, and corporate buildings all reported a sudden lack of toilet paper in their bathrooms.

Meanwhile, TP prices soared on sites like eBay, where the few who bought loads of boxes from the start were selling them for exorbitant amounts. One man spent over $2000 on a twenty-piece pack. Others were selling luxury items such as wedding bands to pay for the $380 rolls on eBay and Amazon. Needless to say, TP dominated the economy.

However, there is one last footnote that needs to be addressed. Remember how people were fearful that the toilet paper from China would run out of stock? The problem is that the majority of TP is produced domestically, because it costs too much to import and export. If shoppers had perhaps waited one or two weeks, shelves would have been restocked, and everything would have been completely fine. However, it took nearly a month and a half to calm the frenzy and close this chapter on toilet paper.

5G Towers (The Internet Cannot Give You Cancer)

5G stands for 5th Generation, a name given to the newly developed and highly advanced cellular network. It boasts speedy connectivity and expands the capacity of mobile networks. If you didn't already know, cellular networks function as low-power radio waves, so they cause no harm at all to living things. From late 2019 to 2020, nations worldwide began the implementation of these new cell towers. However, many citizens were not happy with this decision. Equipped with indisputable facts and evidence—such as "5G can give you a headache," "5G originated in China," and my favorite post on the comments section on the New York Post, "5G got my wife pregnant"—angry citizens petitioned the government and cellular network corporations like Verizon. When their claims were dismissed, these angry citizens took it upon themselves to remove such a menace from the world. Over 70 towers across the UK were attacked or damaged. One woman in North Carolina pulled out a gun and started shooting at a tower. (She was arrested.) At the time of writing this article, nearly 130 towers have been vandalized or destroyed in Europe alone.

But here's where the story gets interesting: when you take a look at a 5G tower and a 2, 3, or 4G tower, can you spot a difference?

If you somehow could tell that the right one was a 4G and the left a 5G, you probably got lucky. To the untrained eye, it is tough to spot the difference. So, the 130 something towers that were damaged or destroyed were mostly 2, 3 and 4Gs: the “OGs.” The problem is that these OGs are still the overwhelming majority of cellular networks so far. Hence, the destruction of the OG towers caused a widespread slowdown of service and cellular connection. Oops.

Jails, Bail, and Petty Crime (GTA VR Edition)

There is no doubt that quarantine was (is) a wild time, but in major cities like New York City and Los Angeles, things were about to become much wilder. Both these cities experimented with lowering bail to $0 for nearly everything but violent felonies. If you don't understand how bail works, let me explain: when criminals are caught and are awaiting trial, they may temporarily leave their containment cell if they lodge a certain amount of money (bail) to the court. This ensures that the criminal will return to court for their trial instead of attempting to escape.

However, with the bail set to $0, NYC was plagued with a sudden influx of criminals who waltzed out of prison when caught. If that wasn't enough, the laws surrounding larceny changed so that burglary up to $1,000 would no longer result in an arrest. Pretty soon, every store in NYC became an Amazon Go. People walked in, grabbed whatever was on the shelf, and left. Store owners tried calling the police, but the department often dismissed incoming calls. Petty theft and shoplifting soared, and many stores were forced to close down in order to prevent any more losses.

But the story does not end here! Anyone in jail for nonviolent misdemeanors, sentences lasting less than a year or scheduled to be released in thirty days was suddenly granted a state-sponsored “get out of jail free” card. Crime rates shot through the roof as hundreds of convicted felons were released onto the streets. One man was arrested seven times, but each time he just walked out of custody. Another man was arrested only after thirteen minutes of release. Numerous other prisoners also made quite the racket from their criminal adventures across the city, including one fashionable criminal who made off with over $4,000 of Gucci merchandise and another who drove a car INTO the nearby Walmart. (He was arrested.)

Furthermore, due to the overcrowded prisons in the US, if enough prisoners got the coronavirus, the prison would have to release some—if not all—of them in order to lower infection rates. So, some prisoners got together to share infected items: prisoners in LA shared a mask and cup while others in New Mexico deliberately coughed on one another. This idea somehow worked, and in North County Correctional Facility (Los Angeles), 30 inmates tested positive for Coronavirus. Fortunately, the guards caught on fairly quickly and put a stop to it.

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Of course, there is no shortage of tales to tell during these quarantine times. (What was that whole period where everyone baked bread and made dalgona coffee?) Tune into the next issue of The Gauntlet to follow along with the next chapter of the ever-evolving Coronavirus Chronicles.