how to faili a class: a satirical piece
by Mina Chung, Reporter
Satire
Throughout schools all over the world, many students aim to finish off the year with straight A’s. However, I would recommend finishing the school year with straight F’s.
Although few have yet to accomplish this lofty goal, there are a series of simple and easy-to-follow steps that can aid you in this process and provide you with optimal results. Below I have listed just 10 of the numerous strategies for failing a class.
Step 1: Don’t come prepared
When heading to your first class of the day (or any class for that matter), try to forget the most important materials you need. This ranges from subject to subject but usually includes a pencil, notebook, and materials for that specific course.
Step 2: Show up to class late
Whether you choose the crowded hallways or even “the terrible bathrooms” (as quoted from Freshman Class President Regan Kim), there are many places around campus that are just far enough from your classroom. Choosing a place far from your teacher is best in order to be late at least every day.
Step 3: Don’t pay attention!
Paying attention to your teacher and the information they are “teaching” you is not only unnecessary but can cause an illness known as assimilation, also known as the act of absorbing and understanding information. Not to mention paying attention will help you on future assignments and assessments— who wants that?
Step 4: Don’t ask questions
This step is one of the most preeminent and something that our staff encourages us to do every day. “Asking questions will only lead to failure in life” (somebody important, probably).
Step 5: Ignore assignments
Whether you understand them or not, assignments will only boost your grade and provide you with practice per course. Ignoring them will allow you to drop a grade while not absorbing information. As they say, practice makes terrible.
Step 6: Never make up missing assignments
Going along with the prior advice, this step covers assignment make-ups as well as test makeups/re-dos. Tests make up a huge part of your grade. Redoing them can boost your grade and GPA. I would recommend ignoring these retakes. If the retake is required, follow step seven.
Step 7: Don’t study or prepare for tests
Like assignments, studying will prepare you for upcoming exams and quizzes. Failing these assessments is essential as they make up a huge part of your course grade. Not studying will assure a bad grade, hence failing the class.
Step 9: By no means accept extra credit or assignment make-ups
Similar to step eight, extra credit and assignment makeups (reference steps five and six) will only boost your grade. Extra credit/make-ups are easier to avoid (as they are not required) and therefore deny.
Step 10: And last but not least… just don’t show up
This is the easiest and simplest solution to failing the said class. There are also other alternatives like faking sick or walking to the nearby coffee shop, Grounds. You can use this step in place of steps 1-9 for quicker results.
To conclude, if given enough effort, failing a class isn’t really that difficult. By following these steps, you are assured optimal results and an ‘F’ (for fabulous) filled report card. Keep up the great work!
DISCLAIMER: The opinions, beliefs, and viewpoints expressed by the various authors in this paper do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs, and viewpoints of Kamiak High School or The Gauntlet.