Poems & Lyrics

Hot Flash Haiku

Hot flash in the car

Turn on the fucking AC

Point all vents toward me

What is a hot flash?

Heat, flushed face, rapid heartbeat

Husband in danger

Is it hot in here?

No? I’m having a hot flash

Now you’re on thin ice

What is a haiku?

Japanese poem where you

Count the syl-la-bles

Japanese women

Don’t tend to have hot flashes

Haiku irony

True, my hot flashes

Definitely aren’t your fault

Still, you should suffer

Doctor won’t give me

HRT prescription drugs

Slight risk of cancer

What is H R T?

Hormone Replacement Therapy

Whoops. Eight syllables.

Hot flash misery

Makes me murder nice husband

Doctor feels stupid

Use hot flash defense

Jury finds me not guilty

Menopausal peers

Hot flashes mid-flight

Get me off this goddamned plane

I’ll hijack your ass

Can’t remember shit

I know I’m smarter than you

Hot flash brain damage

Global warming news

Soon you’ll all burn up like me

Ha ha ha ha ha


Mother’s Lament

(rap song with accordion)

Dear son,

When YOU don’t call

I lie aWAKE in bed

Filling UP with dread

Are you aLIVE or dead?

Why’d you move to MonTANa?

You know I’m not a FAN of

GUNS and SNOW

What a DUMB place to go

Three DAYS by car

It’s MUCH too far

To SEE you

In your natural HABitat

But I’m oKAY with that

As long as you CALL

Cuz when you DON’T call

I lie aWAKE in bed

with the CLOCK ticking

And the DOG licking

herself

Where ARE you?

LYing in a ditch

FLOATing down a river

Clinging to a BRANCH

Buried in an AVALANCHE?

Or in JAIL?

No one to POST bail

CRIMinalized

TRAUMAtized

Or HOSpitalized

UNconscious in E.R.

No one KNOWS that you’re our

Precious MAN-child

Who SOMEtimes goes a little WILD

With your exTREME sports

And wearing TEE-shirts and shorts

When it’s TWENty below

You’re not inVINcible, Yo

But THAT’S what you don’t know

These THOUGHTS keep ME awake.

I don’t know what ELSE to make

Of your SILENCE

Is it DEFIANCE

Or self-RELIANCE?

Finally you PHONE home

Claiming problems

With your CELL phone

Son, you KNOW what works

When you want to make a CALL?

The KIND of phone

That’s atTACHed to the wall

Hey, I just learned how to TEXT

We could try that NEXT

Or you could let me LOOK

At your FACEBOOK

FRIEND me?

No, you’re NOT my friend

And I’m NOT your friend

I’m your MOTHER

That’s why I need a CALL

And that’s a SMALL

Thing to ask

Love,

Mom

What I Did Last Summer Sing-along

(to the tune of This Land)

A graduation

Starts our vacation

Son One leaves high school

With jubilation

We die of heatstroke

Cuz there’s a million grads

Why must they read their middle names?

This is vacation.

Summer vacation

A time for swimsuit

Humiliation

I meant to sign up

To take a Zumba class

Now it’s too late to get in shape

I take my soft butt

to San Diego

Not just my butt but

My spouse and children

We use up gallons

Of fifty S.P.F.

Our kind aren’t meant to go outside

Then we go camping

Who here likes camping?

No one likes camping

What’s the point of camping?

It sucks to be homeless

So why pretend we are?

I should be sleeping in my bed


In-law reunions

Can be a challenge

In Catholic families

With umpteen members

As folks get older

They start to look alike

Which overbearing aunt are you?

Summer’s the time for

Dozens of houseguests

They stop at our house

On the way to somewhere

I drop big hints but

They just don’t understand

Good houseguests stay in a hotel

Weren’t those Olympics

So awe-inspiring?

Not just inspiring

But real ironic

You watch top athletes

Get lots of exercise

While you veg out for sixteen days

Son One’s in college

Out in Montana

It’s really cold there

Cuz they have winter

We’ll pay a fortune

For him to freeze to death

Poly is one mile from our house


Holiday Sing-along

(to the tune of This Land)

This is a new year

A spanking new year

It’s time to write those

Dumb resolutions

There’s just no point when

I lack self dis-ci-pline

Better accept me as I am.

In February

There’s Valentine’s Day

The day we find out

Who really loves us

Please buy me chocolate

But not the crap-py kind

You’ll have to stand in line at Sees

In March we drink up

Just like the Irish

And wear green headgear

That looks so foolish

We can’t resist those

Shamrocks and lep-re-chauns

Kiss me, I’m Irish deedle dee

And next there’s Easter

What’s up with Easter?

It moves around from

Mid-March to April

I just checked Google

And it’s astron-o-my

Nothing to do with holy stuff

Cinco de Mayo

The fifth of May-o

When we remember

We don’t know Spanish

It’d be so useful

In Californ-i-a

Why’d I take French for all those years?

July means fireworks

Illegal fireworks

We light them on a

Beach in Cayucus

If we lit ‘em at our house

Our dogs would turn us in

Dogs really hate Fourth of July

Halloween’s the best of

The holidays cuz

It’s only candy,

Décor, and costumes

There’s no damned shopping,

Cleaning or co-o-king

It’s not a scary holiday

But on Thanksgiving

The relatives come

To eat our food and

Sleep on our futons

They offer thanks and

Constructive cri-ti-cism

This is the scary holiday

Finally it’s Christmas

What Christmas means is

A lot of effort

Without much payoff

At least this season

Is very mu-si-cal

I love to sing on holidays

It’s fun to sing on holidays

Let’s always sing on holidays