Jean Moelter

Holy Crap! memoir of a Catholic girl

An audiobook. Twenty hilarious true stories about anxiety, sinning, and sainting. With music and sound effects. 

Crazy Little Catholic 

“For God needed me to convert pagans and nurse icky lepers in far-off lands.”

Sister Agatha 

“She was a deeply-wrinkled gnome, small but dangerous.”

Sexplanation 

“Belinda had gone all the way several times and offered to do a private demonstration.”

 The Sound of Gender Confusion 

“The teen-girl lifestyle was contrary to my basic character: androgynous and lazy.”

Celebrity Crush 

“How could I be meeting Vince in just a matter of hours? I wasn’t ready!”

 First Kiss 

“All of a sudden, mid-sentence, Budd leaned forward. His face got dangerously close.”

Driving While Anxious 

“I’d be forced to mix with public school kids. Without nuns around to oppress them, I assumed they’d be out of control and vicious.”

 Promification 

“I truly believed this one event could magically transform me from homely theater geek to stunning actress-model.”

 Amazing Technicolor Dream Boys 

“I didn’t have the slightest idea how to seduce Joseph. And Sister Bridget was no help at all with my characterization.”

 Duck Me

“Someone must’ve alerted management about the situation at the Fishing for Ducks booth.” 

T.J. to L.A 

“Dominic had established, if not a cult exactly, then a very strong culture at Rancho Sincero.”

Virjeanity

“I felt it’d be wrong to use my parents’ phone in the commission of a mortal sin.”

Jesus in my Journal

“Three is an awkward number for a religious community. Especially when the only guy is really good-looking.”

A Very Special Brownie

“I was annoyed by the slipperiness of the couch. Why did I keep sliding off onto the hard tile floor?”

 My Funeral

“After our wills were signed and notarized we were taken outside and blindfolded.”

 New Teacher

“No one except me learned anything. I learned that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.”

 Bad Haircut

“It was a weeknight when I identified my mullet as the cause of my failure at work.”

 Ad Date

“The water looked grey and ominous. And sharky.”

 The Mermaid’s One-Night Stand

“The gorgeous stranger noticed me right away. He couldn’t take his eyes off my clams.”

 Death of a Saint

“... I dressed up as my patron saint, Joan of Arc. The perfect costume for a repentant Halloween slut.”