Sense of Self

My battle with Facial Dysmorphia started when I was 12. I didn’t really get why my brain couldn’t accept how I looked. I was constantly hyperaware of my face, how it wasn’t enough, how it should be different, how I would accept love if I thought I looked prettier. I bullied myself into looking “prettier.” 

That kind of thing sticks and even after therapy, it never goes away. My brain is marked forever.

Makeup became a way to cope. At first, I just wanted to feel normal (You have to understand that for a brain like mine, normal is not a normal person's normal). 

But over time, it turned into something I could control, where I can get fully creative, something for me. So I started doing cosplaying, themed shoots, creative makeup and stuff like that.

However, this is the first time I’ve taken a “serious” headshot. I’ve taken tons of pictures before as I've mentioned, but never like this. Never one that felt like me, even if, say, I had make-up on. But never intentionally and raw like this.

📸 Process

• The shutter speed (1/20s) was a little risky since it's slow, but I was going for that moody soft vibe and just trusted the lens. I also made sure to stay really still while taking the shot. The -2.3 EV exposure compensation was intentional to have a darker, more dramatic atmosphere to highlight the warm tones and give the photo that cinematic feel, to match the lighting.

• Shot in my room. I used a yellow lamp to give the photo that golden hour tone, and I placed a ring light behind me to separate myself from the background. I had black curtains up to as a makeshift background.

• I edited it slightly on Clip Studio Paint and Hypic, just some airbrushing, a little vignette, and lighting balance. Nothing major but I also played around with the iPhone’s settings to sharpen the contrast and warmth.

In Another Life

I’ve always wanted to be in a band growing up. I've imagined myself playing in front of people for as long as I remember. 

Maybe I already am, somewhere in another life. This candid shot felt like a love letter to that TOTGA dream of mine. It also felt like transmigrating into that version of me, fearless, and not swallowed by my insecurities. 

Even if it’s just pretend, even if it’s just inside my bedroom with my old guitar, dressed to the nines and Motley Crue in the background, I genuinely loved every second of this.

 Maybe I'll be 60 and start a band. Who knows. 🤞

📸 Process

• The ISO was relatively low to maintain image quality and avoid grain, especially since I had very little light source, just hitting one side of my face and guitar. I chose to do so because I already had plans to adjust the lighting further during post-processing. Just enough depth of field so the guitar’s neck would blur out slightly while keeping my face clear and defined. The shutter speed was a bit slow for a blur when I did motion.

• I stacked my camera on top of my cabinet drawer and hit the timer. It was a "shoot-and-pray" setup. No fancy lights, and backdrop this time. I just had my ring light, a lamp, and the green lighting is achieved through post-processing. 

• Post-processing was where this image really became "In Another Life." I pulled it into Clip Studio Paint, I mainly blurred out and erased the background heavily to give it a 'shot in a concert' look. Added soft glow and noise. Adjusted the lighting to be more gig-like, added some color aberration and sepia to mimic old film. My favorite photo of all photos in this class (and the one that I'll use for end-blog). 

Overall, so happy I was able to shoot this.