I’m Maria
I come from people who built their lives
with hands, not diplomas
a father who never touched elementary school,
a mother who didn’t make it through middle school,
yet somehow they raised a woman
who chases knowledge like breath.history hangs on me,
the way borders once hung
over my family like unfinished sentences
how in 1848, the land shifted,
and Mexico split like a memory.
Frederick Douglass wrote against the war,
but the wind carried the conquest anyway,
dragging families, dragging names,
dragging stories that now live in my bones.my father crossed that same border
with empty pockets
and built fences that turned into homes
eight here, one in Mexico
a quiet empire no one taught him was possible.
and here I am, 29 in a room of freshmen,
carrying the weight of opportunity
they never had the chance to hold.I work long hours,
wake up scared I missed assignments,
scroll through news louder than my own thoughts.
comfort calls me soft,
tells me to rest,
but I know too well
how easy it is to disappear inside distractions.my cat waits in the doorway,
eyes asking why I’m always tired now.
small sorrows follow me
like shadows I didn’t ask for.I think of my parents,
of Mexico,
of the history that shaped me
long before I could name it.
I think of brown’s poem,
how she stitches ancestors and facts
into one wide truth
reminding me that I, too,
am made of stories
bigger than my exhaustion.so, I write.
not perfect
just honest.
hoping someone reads this
and knows the world is heavy,
but we are not alone
in learning how to carry it.
This piece came from a real moment of reflection. Life has felt heavy lately between school, work,home,family and social life. Also, everything happening in the world, I have found myself feeling overwhelmed. I feel like I am drowning in what is now my new normal. That quote about quiet control through comfort really hit me. It made me stop and think about how easy it is to get lost in distractions without even noticing. I have had days where I wanted to care more, speak up, or do something meaningful, but I was just too tired. I have had days waking out of my sleep thinking I forgot to turn in my assignment. I will have days I won't even have enough energy to open my laptop. That feeling of being stuck in comfort, of being too drained to act, felt way too familiar and I knew I had to write about it.
A big part of this reflection comes from my own life and my family’s story. My father came to this country from Mexico with nothing. He worked hard and built a fence company from the ground up. Over time, he was able to buy eight homes and even build one back in Mexico. Watching him do all of that with so little still amazes me. Honestly, it gives me this deep feeling of guilt sometimes. I have so many more resources like the grants, internet, work shops the ability to learn endlessly. Yet it took me till 29 years old to realize. That feeling of being stuck in my comfort, of being too drained to act and the consequences it would like take on my life. For instance, being 29 in a class of freshmen straight from high school. I then have a self-reflection moment. Being that my father never went to elementary school still leaves me in awe. I often feel like I’m not doing enough. That guilt pushes me, but it also weighs on me.
At this time , I am working a full-time job with mandatory overtime every weekend. I am still taking four classes. I am proud that despite all the challenges it took to get into college that I'm here! I am not only here but I am learning something new every day to the point where, I sometimes I ask myself, will I have any more room to store the knowledge that is to come tomorrow? Some days I feel proud, but other days I feel like I’m barely keeping up. Often, I will triple check due dates for my classes, with the fear of missing or overlooking an assignment. I find myself reflecting a lot on my small wins, on my father’s journey, and on what it means to make the most of what I have I promise myself to exhaust every resource. One thing that’s been especially hard is realizing I don’t spend as much time with my cat as I used to. She’s been my comfort for the past six years, and now I feel sad when I see her waiting for me, my heart breaks knowing I am too tired or busy to sit with her like before. That small detail reminds me how much life has changed and how even little things can carry big feelings.
This piece also connects to what is happening around us. We are surrounded by so much noise news, social media, constant updates and it’s hard to know what really matters. Sometimes I wonder if all this distraction is just part of life now, or if it is meant to keep us from asking deeper questions. I want to know. That’s where my discussion question came from. I don’t have all the answers, but I think asking the question is a good place to start.
When I wrote this, I didn’t try to sound perfect. I just wanted to be honest. I’ve read essays and books that talk about control through comfort, and they shaped my thinking. More than anything, I want to share what was in my heart. I hope someone reads this and feels a little less alone. Maybe they’ll see their own story in mine. Maybe like me, they’ll start to ask questions and find strength in their own reflections.
For the style and structure, I was influenced by Brown, Ariana. “Introductions.” Poetry Foundation, 2023,
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/162311/introductions-65f3351051e2a.I have never related to any poem in every aspect.
Maria Alvarado is a student who writes honestly about her life, her family, and the history that made her.