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THE REAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RELATIONSHIP THAT CONTINUES AND A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS LONG-LASTING

Here is a situation where I have certainly found myself and I am sure you feel addressed. You meet someone, you have a click, and suddenly you are taken over by a force.

After this meeting, you simply cannot put this man out of your mind at all. You try to think of other things, but nothing helps.

You stay with him in every detail of your conversation - what he said, what you said, what his body language said. You think about the things you should have said.

You check your phone continuously to see if it has called or apped. If this is the case, your heart is throbbing in your throat, you want to jump out of your chair and cry out your joy.

And then, of course, you have to figure out what is right to say back, a clever way to show him that you are perfect for each other.

The feeling of being high remains when you start a relationship and it becomes more and more intense. You never really know where you stand with him. The uncertainty keeps you alert for something that looks like a bad sign or a sinister prediction.

This emotional roller coaster is just as tiring as it is exciting. You are sold. The worst thing that could happen is that he leaves you.

It is a fear that you will not lose, no matter how promising the situation is, a fear that is the driving force behind everything you say and do.

Now a different scenario.

You meet a man, you like him, you have a good conversation, he gets your number, and while you're happy you don't flip at all.

You occasionally check his Facebook profile but only do this for a minute. You are happy to hear from him when he calls or appt, but you barely notice the hours between your conversations.

You go out with him a few times, you don't expect much from it, but soon your interest and attraction begin to grow. Everything feels calm, there is no drama, no palpitations .... and it feels very nice.

What relationship do you think has a better chance of survival?

Instinctively, you would say that is the second option. In real life, you would fall for the first option. This is because the first scenario illustrates everything we have ever learned about love.

In movies and romantic stories, love is a great, all-consuming force that takes hold of you in the most dramatic ways.

There are huge obstacles to overcome, but that's great because love conquers everything! I mean, would we have been really interested in "The Notebook" if Ali and Noah had the same social status, been on a few lukewarm dates, then got to know each other and developed a deep connection with time? I do not think so.

Unhealthy Relationships Begin With Attraction

I don't like doing this, but I'm going to get all the romance out of all the dramatic relationships that will swallow you up in the feelings you have for the other.

In most cases, the attraction that you feel to the other is guided by our unconscious desire to correct a number of problems from our past.

For example, if your parents always made you feel that you were not good enough, you might find men who are arrogant and treat you as if you do not deserve their love of trying to rectify something from your past.

If your father was very critical, you probably feel attracted to a man who is very critical and you try to win his love and approval for you to heal your father's rejection from the pain of you.

These decisions are not conscious, they happen very deep below the surface in places we cannot reach. When we meet someone we immediately analyze everything about them (again, this happens unknowingly).

On a conscious level, you might analyze what he said, in an unconscious way you look at his body language, his tone, the way he formulates sentences, how much eye contact he makes, his attitude.

If your subconscious sees something familiar in that person, something that reminds you of unresolved pain from the past, it will light up and push you in the direction of that person.

(A great book to find out more about this concept is "Getting the Love You Want" written by Harville Hendrix. I would even recommend it.)

You may also unknowingly seek out partners who possess a certain quality that is underdeveloped for you.

For example, if you are a typical workaholic and you have always wanted to relax, then you will probably be attracted to a relaxed partner who is not concerned with details.

These examples may not describe your situation, but they illustrate a deeper meaning.

Unhealthy relationships almost always start with the attraction. The problem is that we don't see them as unhealthy, because we have been taught to believe in something like love at first sight.

If we ignore the psychological factors for a moment, falling in love can generally be dangerous. It ensures that you place it on a pedestal and overlook its shortcomings.

Because he is so "perfect" you get scared of being yourself - I mean, how can your true self ever compete with perfection.

You don't want to say the wrong thing and scare him, so you're not fair in your interactions. You build so desperately on his approval that you also become a bit affectionate.

You may not behave like that, but it wanders under the surface and he will get this ... they always get this.

Healthy Relationships Are Developing Slowly

Healthy relationships, on the other hand, begin with a common interest and attraction that grows over time. If you can learn this, it will change the way your date is forever.

The best way to have a healthy relationship is to work slowly. This will create an environment where you can grow your interest and attraction step by step, instead of letting it all wash you off in one go as a major emotional tsunami.

It is difficult to stay objective in relationships, especially for women as we are naturally more emotional.

If you spend all your time with him, you risk missing a lot of important information about who he really is and whether this relationship will be a long-term one. Just because people feel strong feelings for each other does not always mean that they can be together.

If it is important to have a foundation of merging, shared goals and interests, and common norms and values. Some things simply cannot be negotiated.

Before you invest emotionally, it is very wise to determine whether you fit together in principle. And the best way to do this is to go slowly.

When you meet someone for the first time, you want to spend every minute of every day with them. You hang on the phone for hours, appt all day, and you can't get enough of it.

The most obvious reason that this is problematic is that you may build too much on the relationship to get your luck, but you will not get any rest from the emotional excitement and stimulation of it all.

Then, if you realize that this man may not be the one for you, you will have attached yourself too much to free yourself from the situation. Instead, you will build on a cliché such as "love conquers all" to speak well that you stay with him.

The solution

I am not saying that you should stay away from men with whom you immediately feel a strong attraction and that you should only date men who you find only "mwah."

I think you should date both types - the man in love can eventually turn out to be a loser and the "mwah" man can turn out to be the love of your life (I've seen this happen countless times!).

Either way, you have to date in a smart way. This will naturally come with "mwah" than it will come with the object of your crush.

If you have just met someone or started a relationship with someone, I advise you to go on one or two dates a week, nothing more.

Also, try to keep your telephone conversations somewhat short, perhaps a maximum of one and a half hours. This gives you the chance to get to know each other while you also have the space to determine if he is the right match.

So many girls make the mistake of completely losing themselves in how the man feels instead of focusing on what they feel for him.

You can prevent yourself from falling into this trap by regularly thinking rationally. Make sure you look at him and the situation soberly. The best way to do this is to be sure that you acknowledge its shortcomings. The best way to find out if you are deeply in love is when you see no shortcomings. Everyone has this one.

If you run too fast you may convince yourself that something small like that he wants to live in the countryside and you only want to live in the city doesn't matter.

Someone who has a more objective lookout will realize that she would feel terrible if they lived in the countryside and because this man does not want to live anywhere else, she will leave the situation.

I have seen many situations (and experienced them personally) in which a couple breaks up after a long time because of a number of problems that were present right from the start - it can be a difference in faith, wanting to live in other parts of the country, a person does not want children.

In all these situations, the couple believed that it would work out in a magical way.

Imagine how much time, effort, and heartache they could have prevented if they started dating and listened to their heads instead of their hearts.

Again, the only way that you can look at it sober is if you give yourself the space to clear up the emotional mess and to maintain a good level of objectivity in the beginning.