Something that’s really insane to process is that I’m not a teen anymore,

I’m an adult,

I’m a full-grown adult with an adult body and adult responsibilities, with adult expectations.

At any given time I feel completely overwhelmed by that and by all the things I don’t know that I should.

Being 20 feels like walking in a field full of landmines,

I have no clue which step is right, and which wrong,

I constantly ponder how I’m ever going to be able to manage this and how.

I try so hard to let go of expectation, both my own and others, but I feel so much pressure to prove,

To prove I’m capable,

To prove I can,

To prove I won’t fail,

But truth is I have less and less faith in that everyday

I miss the brazen gull of 16 yr old me,

And the spiteful confidence of 18 year old me.

Teenage me knew we had no other choice but to succeed.

Teenage me knew that no matter what anyone said I could do anything and I did, I always did.

How can I still believe in her so much and still not believe in myself now?

I can’t say where did she go, because she’s still right here with me,

I talk to her everyday,

And she’s still just as brazen, and spiteful, and confident as always.

But I can’t help but wonder if she’s smart or naïve?

Confident or ignorant?

Don’t get me wrong, she’s absolutely beautiful, quite the experience, and I marvel at her every single day but I don’t know,

I’m just trying to make the best decisions to protect everyone.

I have a family now,

Little me forgives me,

And teen me is so much less angry,

They’re safe now and admire me for it,

but There’s a certain responsibility that comes along with it,

I’m just trying to handle it with care.