R A N D O M O C I T Y

I'm not yet diagnosed, but here are a few of my habits and/or characteristics that may or may not be categorized as ADHD and/or autism:

1. When I get frustrated, I go mute and most times I have to hold in a meltdown - which feels like a vibrating anger in my blood.

2. I struggle with social cues outside of the friends I've had since middle school, and I struggle with meeting new people. Sometimes I can mimic/bounce off of personalities, but that's only when the person is more outgoing than me.

3. Sometimes when I'm feeling 'manic', I can physically feel the hyper, jitters and I will talk nonstop when given the opportunity.

4. I mask and try to hide myself all day, every day until I'm in a comfortable area by myself. There are rare occasions when I'm with my best friend where I don't feel the need to mask.

5. There are certain sensations that make my skin crawl - Ex. touching the bathroom wall & shower curtain it doesn't matter how clean it is, those plastic cups that change images at certain angles, the layer of 'dirt' on my hands after touching something I know alot of people have touched before me, etc.

6. I tend to feel like a trapped kid when I'm talking about my special interests or just random topics that I happen to be thinking about.

7. Focusing on clouds and the moon always calms me down if I'm feeling overwhelmed outside of my home.

8. When I'm talking to someone and I have something to say but they keep talking, I physically can't interrupt them until they finish talking completely or if they leave a long enough pause. Most times I forget what I wanted to say because I start to dissociate when I can't get my thoughts out.

9. My mind runs 25/8. I can never enjoy silence because I can never turn my thoughts off. I am very forgetful because so many things pass through my head in a matter of a few seconds.

10. I hate loud noises (hearing conversations in restaurants, music too loud that I can feel it hitting my chest, etc.), but I focus better when I can blast MY music in my ears or feel vibrations from it in my car.

11. I have struggle with interests that other people have unless it's one of my special interests. It's the same with people talking about stuff that I have no relation to.

12. When I find a show that I really like, I can watch it over and over again every day with no problem. First it was The Office and Friends, now it's The Big Bang Theory and I've watched all 12 seasons at least 6 times now. But, on the rare chance that I do watch a new show, I have to watch it in it's entirety before I can move on - unless it's anime. However, if the show is long, gets too repetitive, predictable, or stupid then I'll refuse to finish it (Ex. Once Upon a Time, The Flash, Grey's Anatomy). 

When I was in a rough spot, I would watch the Danny Ocean movies, American Psycho, Kevin Hart specials, and the Hangover movies at least twice a week.

13. I dissociate often when I get stuck on what I'm thinking about or while I'm doing something repetitive in a way (ex. driving), but it's more like one eye is still focusing and the other is in my head. I'd still be in the moment a little bit, but once I regain focus I won't remember anything from when I was gone.

14. I love music, but I can't get into rap if the artist's flow or the production sounds the same in all of their songs.

15. I have the need for logic and to rationalize literally everything. I feel like this could somehow connect to my extreme perfectionism and wanting to correct people on grammar - outside of slang - and manners.

The crazy thing is, I thought about writing about this and what I would list before actually writing it but because I didn't write anything down I forgot most of it...

Social media - social apps, music, TV, etc. -  has definitely skewed our interpretation of life as young people. This time I'd rather focus on a specific unhealthy trend that I've always struggled with -- the trend of being toxic. Yes, I say trend.. Most have chosen to portray a demonized self that leads to tolerance, desensitization, and abuse - unintentional or not- because of whatever influences them in their daily Instagram scroll. Wanting to seem careless or emotionless and choosing to chase a relationship based on what's in our music, or what celebrities are doing, completely sets our relationships up for failure. Crazy thing about it is that most people know this already, but they ignore the red flags just because. Because what? Because it's a cycle that requires a lot of reflection and work within the person, which most people aren't willing to do no matter what they say. In no way should this be interpreted as victim blaming; I, too, have had my fair share of traumatic and toxic experiences. However, I'm sure you know somebody that chooses to endure the toxicity simply for the sake of having somebody, or because apparently they like it. If you're the friend that continues to try to help that one friend who keeps going back to their unhealthy situation, then you can understand where I'm coming from. I think we can't make the important changes until we reach our breaking point with certain habits, but there has to be a certain accountability we hold each other to. The dating pool is going to continue to be shitty because everyone chooses to be ‘heartless’ or ‘scared to love again’, which causes a cycle of desensitization and lack of empathy influenced by media. Hitting the streets, sneaky links, toxic love (whatever that means), wanting to do relationship shit without being in a relationship is a part of that trend that allows tolerance of abuse whether it be physical, emotional, mental, or spiritually. When [those that this applies to] finally get tired of being in the cycle, their stunted emotional growth, ignorance, and cluelessness about relationship building are gonna be the reasons why most people are going to be stuck in the trend whether they like it or not.

As I see a lot of young people on TikTok and other social media trying to find themselves as adults, it's comforting to see that everyone else is doing the same thing as I am -finding purpose for myself, fighting off the bad days, just trying to survive through the past few years. After a few unfortunate events I found myself in an endless solitude that grew lonely and suffocating to say the least. It was the darkest my life had ever been, and the numbness made it 100x worse. I fell into a black hole that literally felt endless and couldn't build up the courage to seriously anyone. I knew what to do to change my situation, but I couldn't muster up the motivation to do anything for myself.

But, during this two year episode I had to allow myself to feel everything without guilt. Since technically I had a blessed life, I wouldn't allow myself to feel bad because I didn't see the real trauma behind the numbness. You've probably heard it before, but in order to heal you truly have to unpack your trauma and ease yourself into moving on. It is a rollercoaster of shit, but you can't get off the ride until you get through to the end. Giving yourself mercy is a must because guilting yourself into it will only make you feel worse. Personally, I had to learn that you can't effectively make change until you're vulnerable enough to do so; essentially, you can't move into something new until you hit your breaking point, until you break that wall instead of climbing it. Whatever that may look like for you dive deep into it whole heartedly, but don't fall because it'll be harder to get back up again. And at the end of the day, life is a series of lessons - that you either learn from or get stuck behind one way or another - to build your character and mold your perspective of being and living.

I'd say reflection is the key to evolving as an individual. However, please don't think I mean evolving as in building a new you or leaving who were behind. I mean evolving as in learning who you truly are as a person and actively working through your bad habits, outcasting your bad thoughts, and changing any characteristics your younger self wouldn't respect - not like, not love, but respect. You'll just continue finding yourself in an endless loop if you try to banish who you once were for a different model. Getting help absolutely makes a difference, but therapy isn't the only way to get help. I was helped from someone who made me realize how different I was and taught me about my neurodivergence and how to learn to embrace it. But after that lesson in my life, I had to understand that mimicking someone else is the wrong way to learn because what worked for them wasn't going to work for me.

Having so much time alone t0 think about any and everything, I eventually started to learn new things about myself which opened my eyes to what was making me miserable and what I wanted my life to look like. In the moment, being so self-aware made everything feel so much harder but I could honestly say I was uncovering a lot about myself that I had no idea was there. There's always more than what meets the eye because as a people we are more complex than we think. Nothing is ever black and white no matter how hard you try; and although it may frighten you, I promise you it will be worth it to work through it instead of leaving yourself stuck behind it. @jasminegarden23 on TikTok is someone I liked to watch because she's so articulate and spiritually intelligent. One thing she's said that made so much sense to me was "Often times people only know as much as their fear allows them to understand." I love this concept because when you really think about it our fears stop us from what's meant to be next for our growth. Our fears - insecurities, guilt, destructive thoughts, and negativity - all stem from the mean voice in the back of our heads, sometimes more crippling than anything we've ever encountered. I can't exactly tell you how to overcome it because what may work for me may not work for you, but one thing that can be a common factor is believing that the darkness eventually has to end. Don't rush it because you can find the light at the end of the tunnel, but you will have to fight for it.

I write all of this because I'm finally in a place where I can see the light. I finally crawled out of the black hole but, more importantly, I did it when I was ready. Now I have goals, ambitions, and moved past having the desire to want better for myself into trusting myself enough to give myself better. I'm so grateful for the long, dark times I've had because it has gotten me to where I am now, to how far I've grown.

If you're someone who is still going through long, dark times, please understand that it's hard now but trying to block your feelings and erase your thoughts won't make it go away. Having the patience is probably the hardest part but it's the most essential. Find an anchor that's not physically, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally hurting you and speak to it - out loud or in your head, write to it, and proactively think about better days and eventually your time to crawl out of the hole will come. 

 What has baffled me more recently is the conversation about MaryJane. If you've never had an experience with it and only know what they show in movies, you'd think it was a psychedelic of some sort. There's been a major exaggeration on the effects of smoking, edibles, or anything involving THC/CBD. 

MJ is way more than just a fun way to enjoy your day; and what people don't think about is that intentions behind it are very important. I'm sure you've heard on TikTok the sound that says "you need to leave that dope alone", and see people referencing smokers who smoke before going out, or wake and baking, etc. As someone who has relied on smoking for happiness, stress relief, escaping reality, and numbing the pain, I've noticed there are some negative effects it could have on your mental and body. When you're purpose of using it is to avoid dealing with the hard parts of your life, you'll start relying on it and digging yourself in a hole especially if you deal with depression. Yes, it helps with getting through the day but over-consuming will become a bad habit and a crutch. It'll become addictive;  and in that way, it is a drug.

Another example, if you smoke before every meal it'll become a habit and you'll no longer be hungry without it. It starts with thinking your food will be so much better if you smoke first, and lead to not being able to eat until you smoke. If it doesn't apply to you, then I'm not saying that's exactly how it works. Personally, I've had this cycle happen a few times because I created a bad habit with the intentions I had for smoking.

In no way am I saying that it doesn't act as a stabilizer or a medicine to help with depression and anxiety symptoms, because it absolutely is. My main point is that you have to be careful of what you're using it for because if you're not it can come back to bite you.

Back to the exaggeration of its effects... I think of it as a lightener. You add sugar to tea to make it sweeter, you can add the herb to a routine to lighten your day. Depending on the strain you smoke, how much of an edible eat or whatever you choose can wash away the troubles of your day that aren't important. It doesn't make you hallucinate, nor does it make you do crazy stuff just because you're 'high'. If it's your first time, that's a different story because, of course, you're not used to it so it will have a heavier effect on you when you're inexperienced. 

All in all, marijuana isn't some crazy substance that makes you do stuff you wouldn't normally do, but you choose to do with it can effect your experience with it and lead to bad habits that can become unhealthy. So, be careful what you're using it for.

Sex is hypersexualized right now.. Hear me out -

Maybe it's not the right terminology, but sex has become such a big part of our culture as a civilization. Everything is about sex, the idea of it & anything that could allude to it, the need for it, the manipulation from it, the entitlement over it.. It's ruptured our way of building genuine relationships and connections. Maybe it's just me personally, but the fixation around it seems unnecessarily loud. It's difficult to separate those who genuinely want to connect versus those who are wrapped up in the 'sneaky link' culture. 

I'm all for doing what you want when you want, but the way most people constantly have sex on their mind has got to be unhealthy. With social media being everywhere, kids are being exposed to it way younger than they should be; which will put us in a deeper hole than we can understand right now. Sex influences everything - along with money but that's another conversation - and it's honestly a little sad. It doesn't have to be a sacred act but it definitely shouldn't be something that is so easily given.

I've never heard anybody tell their story about realizing their non-binary identity like they do their [possible] gay awakening, and I think I want to use this space to explain my enlightenment. To put it simply, I usually didn't feel reminded that I was a girl until I got a period or having to fill out a document that asks about gender.

A little backstory - I've always been a tomboy and struggled with expressing my femininity while not necessarily learning how to be a girl as a kid. I first learned that I felt better not putting a definition or label on how I felt since I didn't necessarily feel like a normal girl. I hated dresses and skirts for a long time, didn't have the desire nor motivation to keep up with my nails, hair, or clothes, carrying a purse everywhere - anything that could be considered girly in any way I couldn't find comfort in. I even hated having to get rid of body hair regularly and, ultimately, made myself feel bad about it because all the other girls I knew didn't seem to feel the same. I tried to fake it for so long, but eventually I just let it go and embraced my masculinity.

Through the past few years, I've gone through my fem, stem, and masc stages but it still didn't help with how I saw myself. The same way I accepted myself as a lesbian, I had to accept myself as a person who identifies as non-binary. Once I put the word to the feeling it felt so freeing, and I could finally unpack so much further into my identity. I embraced the fact that I could allow myself to be feminine while also feeling more comfortable in my masc-presenting appearance. I fell in love with the idea of androgyny - being pretty, masculine, and maybe even confusing people - but I couldn't fathom how I would look. I started my loc journey and it definitely surprised me how much I liked the androgyny look on me [**not saying that locs are androgynous or masculine - it was the way they looked on ME and how I styled them that sealed the deal**]. And now I'm still trying to figure out my style while going through my new life cycles and finding my sweet spot in this new world of identity and loving every bit of it.

As a 'baby gay', I've been trying to navigate my way through the gay community, finding my comfort zone, and building sense of self. While trying to figure who I am authentically, I struggle with unpacking my ideas of masculine and feminine roles and characteristics. I struggle with separating my sense of heteronormative relationships and woman-loving-woman relationships because there's not only one 'appropriate' relationship scenario. To this day, I struggle with the idea of being the more feminine one in a relationship simply because how I portray myself and not knowing anything other than the norm. To make matters worse, what I've grown to understand came from what I saw on TV and social media. 

In order for me to be completely comfortable in my sexuality I have to unlearn any relationship standards that I've learned and create my own. Of course setting boundaries is the most important thing, it's just a matter of figuring out the best way to set them with myself as well. I had to learn that I didn't have to answer any questions that come from hetero-curiosity for the sake of my privacy. What some people I've come across don't understand is that just because I'm different than you, it doesn't give you the right to ask outlandish and thoughtless questions just because you want to know. And because of that I grew to learn to respect my boundaries and stand up for myself so other people understand that someone else's sexuality is not their business.

"So are you the man or the woman?" "You like girls so you're attracted to every girl you see" "I'll go gay for... but I'm not gay" "So what's it like"

Ignorance around being gay/queer/trans/non-binary is the hardest part of breaking out of the heteronormative behavior because the first thought is about the sex, not emotions, feelings or anything else. As a 20 year old, I have to unlearn heteronormative misogyny, homophobia, gender roles, and standards while also trying to learn boundaries and what I want and need emotionally, not just physically, in a queer relationship.