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Went to the ever entertaining Steel Lard, organised by Richard Crawley, and hosted by Patriot Games.
All rules were by Too Fat Lardies. I had little idea what was going on rules wise as I was having too much fun leaning into telling heroic stories of the unfortunate souls who had been put under my command.
These are their stories.
Story 1: Keep the Last Bullet for Yourself
by Phil Crebbin
A Call of Cthulhu version of What a Cowboy
The day started with some scamp stealing a page from Lord Faceless' bookie.
Off he went to try to stop Woosy Wilberforce the goat monster thing.
First action was to move closer and send a friendly bullet down range to try to persuade them but rudely they just wandered away from his companionable call!
In the background, as always, is Poor Ernest the Cultist Lacky.
He only wanted to have a friend but the fancy civilian man ran away followed by one of his other cult members getting his Webley out in public and giving it a good cleaning!
He starts to wander off, reflecting that he only wanted people to play Nordic Weasel games with.
Still irked that Wilberforce continues to flee towards his ship, Lord Faceless decides that a total proportional response is to drop Cynthia the Eldritch Horror on his head.
Wilberforce falls over in shock! Alas their limbs etc remain in place.
The little red man, giveth not a shit. He's spent time around Sheffield bus depo, this is just like any other evening.
Ernest, still feeling glum that no one will play Starport Scum with him, wonders if sacrificing a civilian to the Elder Gods will assist him to find someone to play against.
His fires both barrels and misses completely!
Keen to raise more Eldritch Horrors, Lord Faceless decides to let more bodies hit the floor, and leaps upon an innocent civilian butchering them in the name of the nameless!
There was also a fire fight between Lord Faceless and one of the baddies on the other side but no one died so who cares
Ernest is up and he sees more people on the little hill.
Maybe they'll play 5 Parsecs with him?!
Alas his dice fail him and he can not spot anyone when he gets there so he shall continue to play alone.
We've found the solution if you, like Ernest, is struggling to find fellow players for Bug Hunt!
Run up to two randoms next to a field filled with monsterous plants.
Take a Webley bullet to the head
Fill one of them both barrels of buckshot - success!
Lord Faceless feels a ripple of pleasure as the mist of what was the enemy starts to dissipate and The Elder Gods grant him a new Eldritch minion!
A dramatic last moment as Lord Faceless decides that humans are useless so sprints towards the leaving ship.
4 shots ring out as one of the baddies try to clip him but each misses.
Lord Faceless ignores the pathetic attempts and leaps onto the ship.
Will they accept him as part of their crew?
The answer is a resounding "No". Lord Faceless tries showing his new crew his winning smile...
This causes them to duff him up, rendering him unconscious and they chuck him into the deep dark waters never to be seen again...
Meanwhile the hole in Ernest's head is made bigger as he is pistol whipped into unconsciousness... but really who cares about that.
Two Dogs' brave braves bravely brave through the French sawmill, off to see off some cheeky British on the other side of the rapids!
Two Dogs very slowly moves towards the bridge, maybe they can bravely scooch round and hit the dastardly British in the flank?!
But while this happens those bastards occupy the sawmill?!
What now?
Where the hell is Twice Brewed with the rest of the Huron Warriors?!
Two Dogs charges into to the units of dastardly British!
Much slaughter later and the Huron are left victorious but battered.
Never fear boys Twice Brewed and his crew have arrived!
Just as well because the welcome to one Huron hero is the brace of devastating shot that see the other pulling quickly back!
Twice Brewed senses victims and charges towards some green coated wankers playing a bad game of hide and seek.
Twice Brewed goes charging in with the war cry "WE FOUND YOU!"
And POOF in a mist of red blood and green coats they're gone!
However the British group in the background are affronted that some Johnny Native should be beating up Brits, leaps in and gives Twice Brewed a twice effective beating!
With over half his unit destroyed and himself unconscious Twice Brewed is dragged off the field by his remaining men to drown his sorrows.
That's the end of the fighting for me.
I hope you enjoyed the tales of daring do.
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