Santa For a Day

E.M. BEZZLEMENT sings

Everyone will love me

They’ll smile and gather ‘round me

And promise to be good little boys and girls

They lie!

They’ll have to give me money

Donations and gratuities

If they expect any loot

They’ll have to pay it out to me

I’ll take pictures and charge them double

Triple if they’re any trouble

Little brats, little stinkers

Throw ‘em in the clinkers

That’s what I’l do

If I’m Santa for a day

DAD

That man has issues.

DANNY

He’s weird.

ELF S

He’s dangerous.

DAD

What do you mean?

ELF S

Someone with his skills could pose a serious threat to my friend Santa Claus and the entire concept and integrity of Christmas itself.

PEGGY

You know Santa Claus?

ELF S

Do I know Santa Claus?  

(Slowly, looking around.) 

Well...er... actually...

(Emphatically) 

I do!  Yes, and I’ll need your help to stop that weird guy.

DAD

We’d like to help, but we’re on our way home from school right now and then we’re off to get a Christmas tree. Right kids?

DANNY

Dad!

PEGGY

Dad!

DAD

Actually, we have some time before they run out of the good ones. What did you have in mind?

ELF S

We need to go into the forest and get some friends of mine on the case.

PEGGY

Why do you need us?

ELF S

Witnesses. They might not believe me otherwise. They’re a little skeptical, if you know what I mean. That, and I don’t have a car to get there.

DAD

You want us to get the SUV, drive into the woods, talk to your skeptical friends, get our tree and save Christmas?

PEGGY / DANNY

Dad!

DAD

OK. OK.  Why not. I’m not really busy this afternoon. 

ELF S

Good. I can help you with the tree. But first, give Mr. Bezzlement this flyer. But don’t let him see you.