How Does Santa Do It?

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E.M. Bezzlement appears dressed as Santa.

E.M. BEZZLEMENT

Boys, that was inspiring. But, you may have too much time on your hands. Now I know you want to help Santa out, so listen up to this schedule we have ready for the upcoming holiday. This year we’re taking part in the Recycling Global Initiative. We’ll go out a day before the normal delivery date and pick up the packages everyone has left around the tree.

GEORGE

Santa, excuse me for asking, but you’ve lost a lot of weight.

STEVE

You don’t sound like Santa, either

E.M. BEZZLEMENT

Very good men. I’m happy that you still have the keen eye sight and intuitive brilliance to scrutinize developments as they develop, so to speak. Very well, here is the order from Mrs. Clause. It’s her to-do list, and you plainly see her instructions.

(He pulls out some paperwork, giving it to them.

They peruse the document.)

GEORGE

You have Netflix to return?

E.M. BEZZLEMENT

First things first. We leave at sundown. I want everybody to get a good rest and be at the sleigh by 6 o’clock.

ALL

All right!

(They exit)

E.M. BEZZLEMENT

There’s a reason they’re on the second team. Lovable, but Duuuuuumbbbbbb.

How does Santa Do It?

Or Mrs. Claus get through it

The yearly rush, the postal crush

The overwhelming weight of it

Tell me

How does Santa cope?

How do I maintain hope?

Is it meticulous thinking

That keeps us from sinking

Heaven knows how hard it is

Gift giving, tell me

What makes Santa tick?

Something does the trick

Is it all those elves

Stacking all those shelves

Are they the force that lurks

Behind Saint Nick?

(Dad, the kids and Elf S enter.)

ELF S

So that’s your game. Pretending to be His Jolliness. What a cunning scheme, too bad we’re not going to let you get away with it.

(He grabs a hold of Peggy.)

DAD

Let go of her, you brute!

E.M. BEZZLEMENT

Not so fast. I don’t want to harm her, but if you come any closer, I may have to get tough.

PEGGY

Like this.

(She stomps on his foot. He howls and starts hopping.)

DANNY

Nice work sis.

(The Reindeer gather back.)

ELF S

Hey guys.

REINDEER

It’s Elf S!

REINDEER #1

What are you doing here?

REINDEER #2

And who are these people?

ELF S

The genuine Santa sent me out to investigate the possible hijacking of the holidays.

DAD

We found this character plotting and figured we’d get him out this way.

DANNY

I put the flyer in his pocket that explained how to find you guys.

ELF S

Santa wants you to deliver him to a special place, just perfect for the kind of person who would rob people of their Christmas gifts.

GEORGE

This calls for a song!