I’m standing in an empanada shop, currently occupied by what appear to be locals, given that each diner engages in warm conversation with the workers behind the counter. After doing my fair share of small talk, I’ve decided that this is the time to reflect on my first month of my capstone. Right here, right now, standing in an empanada shop. Because if I’ve learned nothing else these past weeks, it’s that simply sitting down and having time to write – as the glorified image of writers portrays – ensconced in a cozy corner, coffee in hand – is just that. A glorified image. Really, sometimes the writing comes while you’re on a train, so you scribble it on a napkin. Sometimes it come while you’re standing in an empanada shop.

At first, I started this paragraph with the words “these last few weeks have been a whirlwind,” but then I realized – I always say that. The truth of the matter is, life is a whirlwind. Rather than try to keep my hair pinned back, I might as well let it out and embrace the storm, tangles be damned.

***

As I write these words, I hesitate. I believe this hesitation is the beginning of what Dr. Will – or Kristin as she preferred – was speaking of when she said, “being in other cultures forces us to find ourselves, we find our own identity” (K. Will, personal communication, February 3, 2022). Part of this identity is recognizing where we stand in the world. And when I look at the world, and my place in it, I know just how fortunate I am.

For me to call my daily life a “whirlwind” seems almost crass. I have food and water, and a safe place to sleep at night. I am not afraid to say what’s on my mind, for fear of repercussion. I am completing a seven-year stint in higher education, which has been anything but cheap. My life is bountifully blessed with "facilitators." In the language of occupational therapy, we use this term for factors which support our daily occupations. So, who am I to say that my life has been a whirlwind, when it has more or less been handed to me on a silver platter?

Coming soon: For more on these thoughts, see my reflections on a Ted Talk my mom introduced to me, by Anna Rosling Rönnlund: “See how the rest of the world lives, organized by income.”

***

Importantly, life doesn’t have to be a whirlwind. In the privileged position I come from, and as many other students in higher education come from, we have the fortune to make choices that carve our paths as young professionals. The past year or two have shown me that my choices, the acts of which itself are a blessing, have made my life more complicated. They have also made my life amazing, spontaneous, surprising, sometimes sad, and always beautiful.

I signed up for fieldwork rotations all the way across the country, far from any sense of comfort and familiarity. I embarked on a 15,000+ mile road trip to reach these placements, and to see the natural beauty of the United States at nine of its national parks. Just me, the long and winding road, and my dog – because I had decided to become a dog-mom too. When the last semester of classes was allotted to be virtual, I shifted again and moved to Germany for three months. And now, I’m working on a doctoral capstone in Spain. I have picked up, moved, and set up four times this year. Have these decisions impacted my studies? Yes. Have they impacted my capacity to carry myself as a functioning young adult? Yes. Have they impacted my relationships with my loved ones, as I travel far and wide? Absolutely. And while I have a tendency to feel guilty about everything – something I am actively working on tampering – I by no means regret anything.

I used to dream of being a textbook-cover occupational therapist. Goniometer in hand, cranial nerves and their functions memorized, exuding confidence and competence. Those goals had been fading for quite some time when, one day, a professor asked me, “Who do you think the most successful person in your graduating class will be?” I gawked.

Despite their genuine interest and best intentions, I knew from that moment on that that was not what I wanted to do. I may have once strived to be the top of the class, or the leader of the field. But I knew right then and there that I had left those dreams behind a long time ago.

To be clear, any profession, and I would argue particularly when it comes to occupational therapy – needs these textbook-successful individuals. We rely on each other to prove to the health care field, even to society, that occupational therapy plays a valuable role. To remain relevant among the humanities professions, we must exude confidence and competence, and strive for success.

But what does that word, success, mean? Why, in my mind, had success meant speaking at conferences, creating a theory or a practice framework, or adding a bunch of letters to the end of my name? These can all be genuine measures of success – for sure. However, they are not my measures of success.

As Kristin told me, being in a different culture forces us to find our own identity. It forces us to determine our own moral code, rather than simply follow what everyone else around us has already assumed as truth. As I spend my time here in Spain, and learn how various occupational therapists work, I find I am coming back to my roots – to what drove me to be an occupational therapist in the first place. (Coming Soon: see more on that here). I am defining my own form of success.

***

Of the utmost importance – foreign countries are not the only place where different culture can be found, nor personal identities discovered. Throughout my education and during the development of this capstone, I have questioned, and continue to question, the purpose of international mobility programs. Is it just something of the elite? Why leave when there is so much to experience and learn within our own country?

To this I do not yet have an answer. However, I do believe I know where to begin. We must first break down this word – culture. What does it mean? (Coming Soon: you’ll be able to find more of this analysis here).

***

For now, I’ll leave with this. I am currently reading The Blue Sweater, an autobiography of sorts by Jacqueline Novogratz (2009). Here, she discusses her experiences working in Rwanda. At first, I felt guilty that I had not yet read the book (the first drafts of my Professional Learning Plan included reading and reflecting on The Blue Sweater long before I arrived in Spain), I know now that I could not have possibly picked up the story at a better time.

I’ve devoured Novogratz’s words while standing on the Metro, packed in like a human-being model of a can of sardines, heading this way and that across the city. I’ve turned the pages hungrily as I try to search for meaning and purpose amidst these last few weeks. And it is in this current whirlwind of uncertainty that I came across this passage:

“I finally understood: In order to contribute to Africa, I would have to know myself better and be clearer about my goals. I would have to be ready to take Africa on its own terms, not mine, and to learn my limits and present myself not as a do-gooder with a big heart, but as someone with something to give and gain by being there. Compassion wasn’t enough.

I think that was the moment when humility in its truest form – rather than an easy but false humbleness – began to creep in. Until then, I’d been too vested in knowing the answers and in being right. For the first time in my life, being right had nothing to do with being successful or effective.”

(Novogratz, 2009)

These words seem to put succinctly everything that’s been on my mind.

And one last note. Before I put this on my website, I was worried. What if I offend somebody? What if I come across as an “Innocent Abroad,” as Novogratz titles the first chapter of her book? What if, despite my best efforts not to be, I am a naïve young woman with all the wrong ideas? I hastily scanned Charity Navigator’s page on Acumen, Novogratz’s non-profit global venture capital fund – wherein the length of the organization’s description alone is ringing my alarm bells. I found that it does just fine, 93.84/100 points by the charity rater. But is Charity Navigator trustworthy? What if I’m still going about all these thoughts the wrong way?

Stop it, I said. Out loud. To myself. The only way I’m ever going to learn is by putting myself out there in these uncomfortable positions and forcing myself to make mistakes. One cannot simply fact-check everything. That’s not how we come to grow and relate to each other through differences.

So, I ask of you: Thoughts, questions, comments, concerns? Please feel free to contact me, my email is at the bottom of the page. And thank you for reading, as I begin to reflect on one fraction of all that has occurred since beginning this new chapter.