How Literature Shaped me? 

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way."  

This quote is so appropriate to literature when I encountered literature. The word "literature" was not in my consciousness since college. I have always been fascinated by stories, poems, novels, and essays but never imagined that they were literature or even "Sahitya."  

My entire schooling was in Gujarati medium, and I clearly remember that as soon as I got my syllabus books, the first book I entirely read was in Gujarati. During the vacation, I completed reading 'લોહીની સગાઇ, બોળો, વેણુ, જુમો ભિસ્તી, ઘાટ ઘડિયા નામ રૂપ શું જુંજવા અંતે તો હેમનું હેમ હોય, ધૂળિયે મારગ by મકરંદ દવે, and ગ્રામમાતા These texts became an inevitable part of my mind.  

I used to visit my school library during primary school, which was uncommon in my school. Even in the 11th and 12th grades, the library was almost a storeroom. I got novels in Gujarati from one of my teachers. She gave me her novels, which became a gateway for me, making me realize that this was something I wanted. I chose English to enhance my language skills, totally unaware of the fact that there was something like "English Literature."  

The epiphany for me was reading the book "સાત પગલાં આકશમાં". This book struck me and made me question everything I had been following so far. I already had questions and contradictions in my mind, but this book gave me a clear way to articulate them. Then came a series of encounters with the character of Krishna, which led me to read almost all available books in gujatrati based on his life, deepening my understanding.  

TV was always close to me, especially serials in my childhood. I used to watch feminine cartoon shows and serials, which entirely shaped my understanding of gender. Shows like Doraemon were utopian, and that's why I found solace in watching them. In the meantime, during my graduation, I started understanding: "What is literature?" The stark realization once again came when I read the Hindi translation of The God of Small Things. Until then, I had only questioned gender, but now caste, class, and inequality were added to my thoughts. 

Until my master's, I believed that only written formats, especially books and magazines, constituted literature. After joining my postgraduate program, I realized how mistaken I was. I started developing an interest in watching movies. Watching adaptations of literary works played a crucial role in shaping my understanding. Here, I realized the diversity of other cultures, languages, people, and rituals. I understood Macbeth more clearly through its dramatic adaptation. Similarly, Jude's agony, Sue's boldness, Gatsby's wealth, Vladimir's restlessness, Masuji Ono's atonement, Hardika's epiphany, Karna's marginalization, Piyali's rationality, Anjum's secularism, Nnu Ego's lonely death, Wanja's courage, and so on made me believe that these emotions can truly be understood through literature.When Arundhati Roy in Ministry of Utmost Happiness said this lines it hits me.

"The guardians of our memory (the writers, the artistes, the scribes, the journalists, the painters, the singers, the dancers and the musicians) – they are dropping dead from the sky. The death is of course metaphorical, it’s the death of their ability to question because they are on a conditioned diet of obedience, obedience to the Great Nationalism. " 

The more time I spent with literature, the more restless it made me. The real struggle began when I started learning literary theories. Nihilism, existentialism, and absurdism struck me when I realized that reality has no inherent meaning. Every theory brought some revelation, making me realize how narrow my thinking had been. I started understanding that power is at the center and controls everything. Louis Althusser gave the idea of "interpellation," meaning the illusion of choice. Derrida shattered all my interpretive understanding by stating that language is not sufficient.  

I had an interest in politics, but literature provided me with new perspectives, especially when I read '1984' and Animal Farm. Literature made me question my narrow views on gender, where I once believed that only two genders existed. The concept of nature was entirely absent from my mind until I encountered literary theory. After reading ecocriticism and especially Gun Island, my understanding of nature changed. Until then, I had believed that humans had privilege and rights over nature a very romanticized idea. I learned how nature is deliberately feminized to justify its exploitation.  

I also began to understand the role of capitalism through movies like The Reluctant Fundamentalist, Anthropocene, and Postcolonialism. It was fascinating to see how many perspectives, ideas, and ways of thinking were previously absent from my mind. Now, I have expanded the horizon of my thinking ability.  As John Rskin said in the Unto the Last I strated thinking about the one who leftout in everyway. 

Altogether, literature gave me restlessness and nihilism, which ultimately led to curiosity and creativity. I embraced nihilist ideas and planted the seeds of existential hope for the future. I faced the darkest sides of life, as it is said that literature is a mirror of life and ultimately, of our own.