Don't we all love roasting Johan de Witt? His reputation seriously couldn't get any worse. Unfortunately, not all roasts are created equal, and some of them are simply too funny to ignore.
The "Humiliation" of the House of Orange
Bilderdijk’s Spicy Take
Apparently, Johan’s biggest crime was "severely humiliating" the House of Orange. How? Not by leading armies, plotting assassinations, or inciting mobs. No, just using two pieces of paper.
Not even his own ideas! The Act of Seclusion? That was Cromwell’s brainchild! The Perpetual Edict? That was Fagel and Valckenier! But somehow, two documents = "eat this man and his brother, thanks."
Reaction
Us: "That’s it? THAT’S what earns him his gruesome fate? Honestly, this attempt at a roast says more about Bilderdijk than Johan."
"Pedantry, Magisterial Arrogance, and Ignorance"
Bilderdijk's Half-Baked Roast
This one’s a mess. "Personally, a rather ridiculous mixture..." Why "personally"? Were you there, shaking hands with him?
Claims that foreign ambassadors "played him at will", as if the Republic's foreign policies emerged out of nowhere, and the Treaty of Breda and the Triple Alliance didn't exist.
Reaction
Us: "If this roast were any weaker, it’d dissolve in water. At least go all out or try to be objective. Instead, it reads like someone throwing insults out of envy while sipping mediocre tea."
"Making Himself Hated: A Remarkable Talent"
Bilderdijk's Boring Burn
"He was never loved. His greatest and most remarkable talent was making himself hated..."
Newsflash: Orangists hated him. His own party? Not so much. Johan was just being Johan: He literally didn't care.
Reaction
Us: "Coming from Bilderdijk, this roast is hilariously ironic, because if hating Johan were an art form, he would be the Rembrandt of resentment. But even at that, he failed miserably. Maybe stick to poetry next time?"